I’m offering free exploratory calls during this challenging and uncertain time to anyone who is looking to make some changes to their life and who might like to work with me as a coach. Email me at coach@yourepiclife.com to schedule a call.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” –Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
First, I want to say how sorry I am to any of you who have suffered the loss of a loved one, or loved ones, as a result of the COVID-19 coronavirus. I can only imagine the pain you’re experiencing and I’m so very sorry.
And second, if you’re sick with coronavirus or know someone who is, I’m keeping you in my heart and thoughts during this time and pray for your recovery.
Also, I want to thank all of the health care workers and first responders who are on the very front lines, working to help people fight and hopefully overcome the virus. There are no words that can adequately express my gratitude and admiration for these compassionate humans, who when they go to work risk not only their own lives but the lives of their families.
One of the most heartbreaking realities of coronavirus is that when a person dies from coronavirus, he/she dies alone. For their own safety–to protect their own health and the health of all they come into contact with, loved ones are not allowed to see them or be with them at their end. I am so thankful for the many compassionate health care workers who are often there to hold the hand of and/or sit alongside the person as he or she takes their last breath and passes. Can you imagine what a difference that must make? It is heartwrenching to think of a loved one dying alone. These health care workers who are with them when they pass are truly Angels.
Thank you to all of the “essential” workers who are risking their health by going to work so life may still go on for those of us who get to remain in the safety of our homes.
Speaking of working for the greater good, the time has come for us to take responsibility for one another. I hope you’ll read this blog post that includes important wisdom from writer Sebastian Junger.
I know I am not unique when I say the COVID-19 pandemic has disrupted every aspect of my life. In fact, everyone I know, coach and work with is being impacted in a myriad of ways by the pandemic. And in this story, I’ll share several examples from a wide range of people I know to illustrate how the pandemic is challenging–and teaching–us. Maybe you’ll relate to what others are experiencing.
Personally, if I were to choose two words to describe how I’m feeling as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic, the words would be worried and disoriented. What I’m being reminded of, and learning as a result of my worry and disorientation is that in life there is so much we can’t control. I need to do my part to help the public and to focus on the things I can control. I need to thoughtfully respond, rather than mindlessly react, to all that unfolds during the pandemic. These things are easier said than done, but I’m trying.
As a life and leadership coach, I’m always in search of powerful questions that I can ask people. I love coming up with questions that require reflection and that are likely to provide insights. We learn more from our challenges and hardships than we do from our successes. I have tried to remember this personally by asking myself, whenever I’m struggling through a challenge, “What will I make of this?” Doing this has been a difference-maker in my life because it turns the process of struggle into something constructive. It forces me to look for the lessons and silver linings (ponies) during a time when I could easily default to playing the victim and be a complainer who looks for and finds, all the things that are unfair, hard and/or wrong. But don’t just take my word for it. The late Viktor Frankl survived three years in Nazi concentration camps. After surviving that experience he wrote a book, Man’s Search for Meaning, which has been one of the most influential books I’ve read. In it, Frankl reminds us that no matter how bad our circumstances are, we have the power and ability to choose how we will respond to them. Having this ability saved Frankl’s life.
In that spirit, I’ve been asking family, friends, coaching clients and acquaintances a variety of questions, but the following two are my favorites at this stage of the pandemic:
What’s the most difficult thing you’re experiencing as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic? And, what are you learning from the difficulty?
Many people have been generous enough to share their responses to these questions with me, and I’ve included their responses below. NOTE: I included many of the contributions, but couldn’t fit them all, so if you shared your responses with me and they aren’t included in this blog post, I’m sorry. Please know it’s because I couldn’t add any more to this already-too-long post.
(By the way, I encourage you to ask these same questions of yourself and those in your families and circles of friends. Reflecting on and discussing these questions will help you to be intentional and optimistic during what is otherwise a challenging and uncertain time for all of us.)
Kathy, Lander, WY: Kathy said the most difficult thing she is experiencing during the COVID-19 pandemic is knowing that she’s part of the at-risk population, which means she is among the 20% that could end up in the hospital if she contracts the virus. A mother, she said the thought of death doesn’t scare her as much as the thought of leaving her children without their mom. “As a mom, this is one of the most terrifying prospects you can face,” she said, adding, “I was faced with this recently when I went through breast cancer treatment.” She said during her cancer treatments, she was too tired and busy to get her affairs in order. Now she has the time so she’s doing just that and she said it will help her sleep better at night. As a result of her low immunity, Kathy has been quarantined from my children for a month, which is very difficult. “I keep seeing families walking around the neighborhood and photos on Facebook of families playing games together. I miss my children so much. When times are scary I like the comfort of them sleeping under the same roof.” She said she also misses hugs. However, these difficulties are reminding and teaching her that she’s not in control. “We can hope for the best and prepare for the worst, the rest is up to God. I wake up every day excited and happy that I am here,” she said.
Tina, Rifle, CO: Tina’s daughter works in health care and she worries about her safety. Tina said it is also hard to not be near her mom, who lives alone, during this concerning time. This difficulty is teaching her to breathe deeply, think positive thoughts and pray, and to trust and allow others to step in to help where/when she can’t.
Julie, Lander, WY: The hardest thing for Julie is the uncertainty about what’s going to happen. A middle school principal, she has had to develop an online learning system in short order. She wants to make sure her students can adapt and continue to learn with the new format for learning. She said she misses seeing students and staff and is constantly wondering if they are all okay. Julie added that she’s worried about her sister, who works in healthcare, and her mother, who lives by herself. “I have never been much of a phone person but I have learned that I am enjoying reaching out to family and friends to connect,” she said.
Mark, Lander, WY: Mark, a pastor, said the hardest thing for him during this pandemic is not being able to help more people in more ways. He said the difficulty of not being able to be of more help to more people is teaching him patience and persistence.
Judi, Lander, WY: Her biggest challenge is missing her children and grandchildren and not being able to with them during this concerning time. Her daughter lives in Amsterdam, and her son and his family live on the East Coast. She dreams of getting in her old, high mileage Prius, laying out the back seat to make a very uncomfortable bed, doing a parking lot pick up of groceries at her local market, and heading to the East Coast where she’d quarantine herself for 14 days and then move in with her son and his family. Then, post-pandemic, she’d catch the first flight available to visit her daughter in Amsterdam. She is grateful her mother is near here through this and they recently celebrated a socially-distanced 92nd birthday party for her mom’s husband. The positive impact of the pandemic is it is helping her to get a more clear picture of what she wants her life to look like in the future. It has confirmed for her that the most important thing she wants to do post-pandemic is to spend quality time with her kids and grandkids while they’re still young. She hopes to spend a big part of next winter on the East Coast, going to her grandkids programs, swim meets, etc.
Anne, Lander, WY: Anne said it’s frustrating and hard to not be able to find toilet paper, flour, and yeast. She added the uncertainty of when the pandemic will be behind us is particularly hard. Anne said before the pandemic she considered herself mentally strong. Now, she’s not so sure. “It feels like I’m on a plane (I don’t like flying) that has turbulence and there is no arrival time. I can’t just tell myself to stick it out for another 30 minutes and then it will be over because, in all reality, we don’t know how long this will last,” she said. One of the things this difficult time is teaching Anne is to have more empathy for those who live in poverty and are unable to get their most essential needs fulfilled during “normal” times. And, she added, the silver linings are a slower pace and time together as a family. She is hoping this experience will inspire us as a society to re-think the education model and the pace at which we live.
Gerta, Troy, MI: Gerta said the most difficult thing she is experiencing is being near the end of her pregnancy. Her baby is due in about three weeks but could arrive any day. She said her support system is limited to her husband (who’s been great), “but a gal needs her mother and her best friends, too,” she said. Only her husband will be allowed in the delivery room, and her mother likely won’t get to hold her first granddaughter for who knows how long. In addition, Gerta said she worries about bringing a baby into a contaminated world, and the associated risk gets the best of her some days. She added that she has a new appreciation for things she took for granted before the pandemic–simple things, such as going out for dinner, that she is now not able to enjoy with her husband. As a result, at 39 weeks pregnant, Gerta is cooking three meals a day. “We’re taking all these measures with our family’s best interests in mind, but it doesn’t make it easier. I have learned, though, that what really matters is our loved one’s health and safety,” she said. Gerta added that seeing her parents on FaceTime has never made her so happy, and hearing a friend’s voice and that they are well, has never felt more fulfilling. “And waking up every morning with my husband being able to work from home and be safe, has never meant so much as it does now,” she said.
Amanda, Saratoga, CA: Amanda said she is sad. “I am absolutely heartbroken for my daughter. She’s 17 and has worked so hard since middle school and throughout high school to maintain a 4+ GPA and was looking forward to all the capstone celebrations of her teenage years. In a matter of weeks, she has had her entire world collapse—her last competition season was cancelled, no senior rally, no prom, no graduation or grad night party, no senior trip, and she will not go back to school or have any closure at all on her time spent in high school.” Her daughter can’t even see her friends for support through all of this, and that is hard. Amanda added that her daughter is in the process of deciding which college she’ll attend in the fall, and yet is unable to travel and make any college campus visits, not to mention there is a lurking doubt as to whether or not she’ll even be able to move into the freshman dorms or if she’ll start college via remote learning. “What am I learning? I’m not there yet,” said Amanda. “I’m just so sad and sad for what she’ll never be able to experience from a very important time in her youth.”
Leann, Lander, WY: Leann shared that during the pandemic, she has been struggling with her lack of control and the loss of everyday freedom of choice. The feeling of no control was amplified recently when an extended family member of Leann’s tested positive for Coronavirus. She said people have always been important to her, and now, with social distancing constraints in place, she values her relationships even more. She is learning from these difficulties, though, and one of the things she’s learning is to be more patient and to slow down. She is also communicating in different, and additional ways, with family and friends. She is finding that her anxiety about the lack of control brought forth by COVID-19 is lessened when she talks with other people because she is reminded of, and finds comfort in, the fact none of us is alone in this. She also says she appreciates the sharing of thoughts and prayers for one another.
Alan, Malibu, CA: Alan said until the COVID-19 pandemic, he was using the beautiful time he had to connect with people, not only people in his existing circle but the new people in his life. He loves to travel and take in live music, and pre-pandemic, attended many shows, concerts and music festivals. He said at first having so much free time was hard, but he’s been intentionally investing the newfound time in exercise, spirituality and nature. He has replaced some of his passions, including skiing and Yoga, with online yoga, Zoom dance parties, online meditation, etc., which helps, “but is no substitute.” Alan said the people in his life and the connections he makes with new and interesting people are his oxygen. “It’s what I do to live,” he said. “These in-person experiences with others have been short-circuited by the pandemic, and I’m starving for them.” Alan said while the technology is great for staying in contact with the people in one’s life, “it feels like being on a ventilator for me.” As a result, he said he’s surviving, but not living like he’d like to be. He is looking forward to making up for lost time and seeing the people he misses once this pandemic is behind us.
Julie, Lander, WY: I heard the word “surreal” used to describe this time, and it fits my experience. Personally, I’m hardly affected. I love being home with my husband/best friend, walking or biking, working in the yard, discovering new food combinations from my stash of aspirational grocery purchases. Extra fun chats with our kids, silly or sweet, are a treat. But when I look beyond my own life and this present moment, the surreal hits: Desperate health care workers, sick people fighting for breath, small businesses facing insurmountable losses, and a country struggling to figure this crisis out in real time. And all I can do to help is stay home. “And part of the weirdness is that we are all well, but any of us could already have it (Coronavirus) and be gone in a short time,” she said, but never before have we had to confront or mortality so directly.
Diane, Lander, WY: Diane says living in rural Wyoming, where her nearest non-family neighbors are 2-1/2 miles away, makes social distancing workable. She said it’s helpful and comforting to go for drives, to see people in moving vehicles and on the other side of glass when she does need to enter a business. Diane said the pandemic is reminding her to be grateful for her home, the ability to heat her home, having electricity, having a washer and dryer, and the items that are necessary for her to cook, bake, eat and meet her most basic needs. This difficult and uncertain time is also helping her to learn to be more patient.
Jerry, Wichita, KS: Jerry said the most difficult part of the pandemic are the uncaring and non-understanding people who give him snide looks for wearing a mask and who are impatient with him when he tries to maintain 6’ of distance. Jerry said that in January, he learned he has Interstitial Lung Disease (more specifically, Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis), which is progressive and causes fibrosis in his lungs, is irreversible and has no cure–other than lung transplants. He said any damage caused to his lungs by COVID-19 would probably be fatal. “What others don’t know is that my lungs are already damaged and a bug like COVID-19 can kill me,” he said. Jerry said it’s also difficult knowing that so many people are hoarding supplies that many people need and cannot obtain, such as toilet paper, alcohol, wipes, and masks. He said he’s learning to wash his groceries before putting them away, to carry and use alcohol wipes before touching his steering wheel, and he now uses a pencil or his pinky finger knuckle to touch buttons (elevators and keypads), and puts on gloves before getting out of the car to refuel, and above all, washes or sterilize his hands before touching his face. Lastly, Jerry said he’s learning which of his friends really understand his condition. They keep their distance, elbow bump as a greeting, and understand when he is wearing a mask or using oxygen. Jerry emphasized how grateful he is to have an understanding wife who is willing to run the day-to-day errands he cannot while keeping up with the paperwork necessary to manage his case.
Sharon, Lander, WY: Sharon said it’s difficult to name just a single hard thing during this time because the list of all that’s difficult is longer than one. She’s had to visit the babies in her family from a distance, despite the fact they live in the same small town. “How do you not touch and squeeze them?” she asked. Sharon, the “errand runner” during this time, worries about inadvertently passing deadly germs along to her 75-year-old husband who has Parkinson’s Disease. A teacher and educational facilitator, Sharon said she misses walking down the hallways to pick up students to bring them back to her room for reading instruction. “That freedom to freely move about amongst people is being terribly missed,” she said. Another challenge for Sharon is the likelihood that her summer trip will be cancelled. It is a dream trip that includes a hiking/biking trip with friends in Austria, in and around Salzburg, and a trip to London and Scotland with her husband. “I’ve been dreaming and arranging this trip since last October. It’s a thrill to page through guidebooks and online sites planning out an itinerary of dreams. Now, I keep wondering, ‘Will we get to go?;” And yet, if the trip is a Go, she is wondering about the safety of going. She said a friend recently caused her to question whether flying with 200+ people on an airplane for several hours, following this virus, will be sensible. Sharon said the pandemic is teaching her to think smaller and consider more local cycling and camping trips. “They do not have the same allure, at the moment, of traipsing up and down through the Austrian Alps or the Scottish Highlands, but my fantasies seem to be on hold for the time being. And it’s killing me.” But all that said, Sharon added that the difficulties of this time are helping her to appreciate even more the fact that she’s able to dream up and take such trips in the first place. She said that she thinks often about the billions of people on the planet who have far more to be concerned about than she does.
Pavani, Atlanta, GA: Pavani is the mother of two young children and she is finding it hard to not know when her parents will be able to cuddle her children again. She also worries about her sister, and brother-in-law, who are expecting their first child in the coming weeks. This is especially a concern because her brother-in-law is a doctor working with COVID patients. Pavani said she also wonders if humanity will learn something from this and snap out of its growth and consumption-based culture. She worries that the COVID experience could prompt a generation of fearful isolation. Pavani said there are some positive impacts the pandemic is having on her. She is getting better at slowing down and savoring simple moments in daily daily life such as cooking and cleaning. She’s able to find joy in these things now, whereas before the pandemic she viewed them as chores. Pavani said her relationships with her husband and children are stronger as a result of experiencing the pandemic together. COVID-19 is also reminding her that they’ll be okay, and even joyful, despite the fact they’re losing income as a result of her husband being furloughed at work. Pavani explained that the hardship is helping them gain clarity about what is most important, which will help to inform their life, post-pandemic. The whole experience “reaffirms that we can live differently and with less “stuff,” and that touch, love and community matter so much.,” she said.
Christine, Lander, WY: The most challenging part for Christine is the federal government’s response to the crisis, and living alone and missing being with “living, breathing humans.” She’s learning that she isn’t as much of an introvert as she thought was, and she’s realizing how much we need human connection. She added that while Zoom video calls help, they’re not the same as being with and connecting with people in person.
Lisa, Newberg, OR: Lisa works at a retirement/assisted living facility and she said the hardest part about the pandemic is the anxiety she has about potentially infecting someone at her place of work. “I worry that if one person there gets it, it will spread to many and I love all these people,” she said. She added that she’s nervous about the reverse happening as well. Because she is still required to go to work and can’t socially distance herself while at work, she worries she’ll get the virus and bring it home to her family. What she is learning and appreciating is how much the elderly people appreciate having someone who is there with them during this time when other visitors aren’t allowed.
Lori, Laramie, WY: Lori said that the hardest thing during the pandemic is missing the warmth and love and closeness of her dear friends that she experiences when she can physically be with them. She lives alone, and even though she’s an introvert, Lori said she misses her sisters and the feeling of deep connection she experiences when they can all be together. She also misses being able to go to the gym where she feels a sense of connection and community. Lori added that she feels heartbroken and concerned for all of those who are suffering directly from Coronavirus and the risks to their health and life. The challenges that come with the pandemic are teaching Lori “to slow down, enjoy the peace of silence, and to be grateful for every day I wake up feeling healthy, warm, well-fed, and happily, gainfully employed.”
Mike, Lander, WY: Mike is an owner and partner in Maven, an online retailer of outdoor equipment. Seemingly, Mike said, Maven is structured to deal with many of the issues that are now realities in this time of the COVID-19 pandemic. Most of Maven’s customers purchase from its website and they don’t have a large retail space, but “a small showroom in a small town,” said Mike. The company’s team of 7 people can do most of their work remotely from their homes, and the company’s 5,000-square-foot facility can house one person shipping and receiving and two or three of us working in a personal-distancing separate space. Despite this, Mike acknowledged that the company is taking some “big hits” as a result of the slowing down-to-stopping of its supply chain of goods from Japan and the Philippines. Add to that, Maven’s assembly facility in California shut down with less than 24 hours notice, removing their ability to make custom-built optics. In addition, the last month of the spring show season was completely cancelled, which shut down a very important revenue stream for Maven. So there is a lot of difficulty. Yet their store is not closed and they’re still open for business. And although the quarantine and stay-at-home orders provide more time for people to shop online, who has the funds? Mike acknowledged that given over 6 million people are now seeking unemployment, it’s less likely people will be spending money on non-essential products. He said he thinks the company will survive but wonders if that will be enough. The biggest challenge for Mike is being able to see the light and the opportunities. “I am a team person,” he said. “I thrive on a small group of people motivated by challenge, by a goal. We have a collaborative leadership team. Three guys who steer and drive our organization. We are team CEOs, making all the big decisions and setting the tone and flavor of our brand. In normal days we gather almost every day to put our brains together and make things happen. In our 6 years of business, we have grown to be a force in the outdoor industry. People know who we are and that we are different, unique and disruptive to the hunting optics market. Now this team is itself disrupted,” Mike explained, which is particularly hard for him given he gets motivation and drive from this team. “It is so hard to drive forward each day without our normal collaboration, adding, “Survive we can, but can we thrive?” All that said, Mike said he’s learning. Thanks to technology, he and his team are able to use Google Hangout, Zoom, and Skype to see each other’s faces and hear each other’s voices, which is most helpful. Before COVID-19 using technology for collaboration and meetings occurred rarely, but now Mike said it’s the new norm. “We have learned that we can still be a team and that we can still bring our brains together even when not in the same room,” he said. Mike added that he has learned they can keep their team and grow in deep, fundamental ways that will make them stronger on the other side of the pandemic. “That is our daily conversation, and that drives the actions of all the members of our small Maven team,” explained Mike. “We will be better because we have found a way to grow through this challenging time.”
Erica, Laramie, WY: Erica said the hardest thing about the pandemic is the overreaction of so many people and their hoarding of everyday essentials, especially when so many, particularly the elderly, are in need of the supplies. Erica said she also finds the media’s coverage and its tendency to focus on the negative, challenging. She wishes there would be more positive stories reported during this time. While she acknowledged the seriousness of this time, she wishes we’d hear more about the silver linings that are emerging as a result of COVID, such as more family time, sharing more meals as a family, and having more meaningful conversations with those we love. Erica added that this experience is an opportunity for her to lean more on her faith. “I gave myself to God and am trusting fully in his guidance.”
Gayla, Lander, WY: Gayla said losing her independence is one of the most difficult aspects of the pandemic. She said she’s used to doing things her way and doesn’t like feeling helpless or having to rely on other people. “Now I have my grocery shopping completed by a total stranger, which I am so grateful for.” She said in order to protect her husband’s health and hers, they are following all of the COVID-19 guidelines and it helps that their two daughters are making sure they’re not taking risks. As a teacher, Gayla said there are many challenges. As a result of the pandemic and stay-at-home instruction, students’ learning has moved online, and during the time of year when students typically start understanding and making sense of the concepts they’ve been learning. She said this is also the time of year when students are more mature, and she’s able to make more personal connections. She said it’s also more difficult, via online learning, to inspire students to complete their assignments and get them turned in on time. Gayla said mostly she’s concerned about students being out of school for so long and the struggles they may be having with a new way to attend school and learn. On the upside, Gayla said the technology is enabling her to connect with her students, and “I am able to reassure them in these uncertain times.”
Jason, Atlanta, GA: The most difficult thing for Jason about the pandemic is the social distancing and the resulting lack of in-person human interaction, “which is where I receive my energy,” he said. However, he added that the experience is making him appreciate multiple things like personal relationships, his freedoms, and the clarity it is providing about his life and how he spends his time.
Karen, Farson, WY: Karen says the most difficult part of this experience is missing her elderly parents and not being able to be with them, and her fears that a family member will get sick. Before COVID-19, Karen would travel to see and help her parents on a weekly basis. The hardship of not being able to help her elderly parents is making her appreciate the fact that both of her parents are still living and that she is able to help them on a regular basis (when we’re not living in a time like this.) She is also grateful for her sister and daughter and the help they’re able to provide for her parents.
Kathy, Casper, WY: Kathy said one of the most difficult aspects of this time is missing her child’s performances and events, including a once-in-a-lifetime high school choir trip with her daughter to Scotland that was canceled in late March. She is appreciating having more time at home with her family, and more time to love on her pets. Kathy said she hopes the pandemic will inspire people to work on mending any fractured relationships since a time like this drives home the importance of the people and relationships in our life. She said she hopes that we’re all learning the value of slowing down and to not be overscheduled. She also hopes people will waste less time watching TV and staring at their screens as one’s life passes by.
Michelle, Lander, WY: Michelle said she concurs with what others have mentioned for difficulties while living during this pandemic. She said there are many positives too. “We are resilient,” she said. “We are pulling together to be innovative. We have the time to appreciate the simple things. We are enjoying LOTS of specific family time. We have incredible opportunities that were never available before to be immediately in contact and virtually face-to-face with our loved ones, coworkers, leaders, educators, and medical providers. We see others who can work tirelessly for us in professions we may not have appreciated before, but now recognize their value. We are recognizing that we have needs that should be addressed for the long term spiritually, personally, neighborhood/community-wise, statewide, nationally and globally. We are recognizing the need to be introspective and self-reliant, while still contributing to others.” She added that despite COVID-19, the sun still sets and rises, and while Winter isn’t quite finished in Wyoming, Spring was sprouting in her garden last weekend and Summer is on the way. “I have Faith, Love, and Hope,” she said.
Susan, Novato,CA: Susan said she finds it hard to witness people who are disregarding the shelter-in-place and social distancing instructions since their actions put others at risk. She said she is discovering how much this lack of caring for humanity affects her. Susan added that she’s also learning that she may lack compassion for herself. “The world is a mirror,” she said.
Sharon, Tucson, AZ: Sharon misses the Christian experience of sharing Holy Week and Easter gatherings with her church family. She says she is social and the time that we’re in makes her realize how much she misses being able to share dinner with friends or to enjoy a patio chat with them. Since she can’t get together with friends, she is grateful for the walks she can enjoy in the warmth of Arizona during this unsettling time. Sharon added that she worries for our country and world, and is reminded by the difficulties of this time of how grateful she is for all of those who are on working on the “front lines of this war.”
Bralli, Lander, WY: Bralli said the hardest part of the pandemic was not being able to hug her daughter when she recently arrived home from Spain and requiring her daughter to self-quarantine alone for two weeks in order to protect the rest of their family. In addition, Bralli said it’s hard to watch people she loves go to the frontlines every day, putting themselves and their families at risk. The pandemic experience has taught her that “we ALWAYS need to appreciate those people we love.”
Holly, Lander, WY: The hardest part for Holly about the COVID-19 time is the worry and fear she is experiencing, and the loss of sleep that results. She misses her family, coworkers, and friends so much. What this difficulty is teaching her is to take it one day, or hour, or five minutes at a time and to remind herself that this too shall pass, and also, not take things for granted.
Rhonda, Golden, CO: Rhonda said she’s not normally an anxious person, but all of the uncertainty surrounding the pandemic is causing her anxiety. She is particularly concerned for her husband, who works in healthcare, and her daughter-in-law, who is pregnant. She is also missing the family that is not nearby. Rhonda said through the difficulties, she is learning to take a deep breath and trust that it will all be okay.
Walter, Lander, WY: Walt said the most difficult aspect of the COVID pandemic is tolerating the people who don’t think or behave as if the pandemic is real. For example, he said when he went to fetch his mail from his mailbox this morning and while doing so, he ran into another man. The man remarked to him that COVID-19 is a hoax. Walt said the man tried approaching to continue talking with him and Walt had to keep backing away to keep the six feet between them. Still, the man persisted and kept trying to approach him. Finally, Walt had to tell him to stop. Walt said the ignorance and actions of such people “will cause deaths!” He said he’s learning “that people will not believe anything that is contrary to their ill-held beliefs no matter how solid the facts are.”
Vickie, Lander, WY: The hardest thing for Vicki is finding a new routine. Vickie said she is having to push herself out of her comfort zone and the silver lining to this is it has opened her up to new opportunities. Before COVID, she would attend Yoga 2 times a week, but being required to stay at home has inspired her to get online and start doing Pilates and strength training. In addition, she’s taking more walks. This increased activity is a direct result of being required to stay home during COVID, and has inspired her to be not only more active, but also more resourceful than she was before.
Hal, Wichita, KS: Hals said the hardest thing about the pandemic is “sifting through various news media to determine what is true, what is utter BS, and what falls somewhere in the middle.” Another difficulty for Hal is “observing dishonesty, incompetence, and stupidity to the highest degree when many lives are in the balance, and understanding why seemingly intelligent people are buying and defending it for selfish reasons.” He said he’s learning the importance of voting and encouraging others to vote–especially young people, “whose world is being affected by what I feel are reckless, selfish criminals. I’m learning to accept my own views and not fret over what other people think of me.” To help relieve the anxiety he is experiencing, he adopted a 6-month-old kitten, Rusty, from a woman who lost her job and couldn’t afford to have the kitten fixed and vaccinated. Hal said the kitten reinforces the importance of caring, and “is warding off invisible zombies every night, and makes me thankful for what I have.”
Katie, Phoenix, AZ: Katie said she is struggling with the fact she has all this time that has been given to her and yet she can’t spend it visiting her mother, who lives in a different town. “It feels like a wasted opportunity,” she explained. COVID 19 is inspiring her to want to talk to her mom more often and to visit her more often once the pandemic is over. In addition to not being able to visit her mom right now, Katie said she misses the ability to go to the gym and that she doesn’t feel as mentally strong or healthy as she normally does. She shared that when she broke her leg a while back, she was sedentary for 4.5 months. When she made it through the rehabilitation of her knee, she was able to get back in top shape. “I have to remember that my body will recover from this, too,” she said.
Debbie, Casper, WY: Debbie said her biggest challenge has been watching others that are not taking this pandemic seriously. She has a daughter in the healthcare industry who is due to have a baby any day. Debbie is worried about her 12-year-old grandson, who is a leukemia survivor and currently has mono and asthma. Debbie is concerned for the elderly, who are so dear to her. “I continue to learn from them every day of my life,” she said. As a result of her concerns, Debbie said she and her family have been adhering to social distancing. “I could not live with myself if I was the reason for someone getting COVID-19,” she said. Debbie’s mantra is “Together we are stronger,” and she is optimistic that we’ll get through the pandemic, despite the economic downturn. But, she added, the key will be to care for one another.
Thank you for stopping by and for reading my blog. I’m wishing you and yours good health and optimism during this trying time.
Feel free to please contribute your own responses to the two questions, (What’s the most difficult thing you’re experiencing as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic? And, What is the difficulty teaching you?) in the comments or in an email you send to me.
Related (COVID-19)blog posts:
A Thank You Note to the Helpers
The Time Has Come for Us to Take Responsibility for One Another
“Humans don’t mind hardship. In fact, they thrive on it; what they mind is not feeling necessary. Modern society has perfected the art of making people not feel necessary. It’s time for that to end.” –Sebastian Junger
A few years ago, I read the fantastic book, Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging, by Sebastian Junger. With the author’s permission, I’m excerpting the text from the book’s Introduction.
I am sharing this wonderful excerpt from Junger’s book now because by all indications, the time for taking responsibility for one another has arrived in the form of the COVID-19 pandemic.
The great opportunity for all of us during the hardship and uncertainty of the pandemic is that we are being called to care for and take responsibility for one another.
In the fall of 1986, just out of college, I set out to hitchhike across the northwestern part of the United States. I’d hardly ever been west of the Hudson River, and in my mind what waited for me out in Dakota and Wyoming and Montana was not only the real America but the real me as well.
I’d grown up in a Boston suburb where people’s homes were set behind deep hedges or protected by huge yards and neighbors hardly knew each other. And they didn’t need to: nothing ever happened in my town that required anything close to a collective effort. Anything bad that happened was taken care of by the police or the fire department, or at the very least the town maintenance crews. (I worked for them one summer. I remember shoveling a little too hard one day and the foreman telling me to slow down because, as he said, “Some of us have to get through a lifetime of this.”)
The sheer predictability of life in an American suburb left me hoping—somewhat irresponsibly —for a hurricane or a tornado or something that would require us to all band together to survive. Something that would make us feel like a tribe. What I wanted wasn’t destruction and mayhem but the opposite: solidarity. I wanted the chance to prove my worth to my community and my peers, but I lived in a time and a place where nothing dangerous ever really happened. Surely this was new in the human experience, I thought. How do you become an adult in a society that doesn’t ask for sacrifice? How do you become a man in a world that doesn’t require courage?
Those kinds of tests clearly weren’t going to happen in my hometown, but putting myself in a situation where I had very little control—like hitchhiking across the country—seemed like a decent substitute. That’s how I wound up outside Gillette, Wyoming, one morning in late October 1986, with my pack leaned against the guardrail and an interstate map in my back pocket. Semis rattled over the bridge spacers and hurtled on toward the Rockies a hundred miles away. Pickup trucks passed with men in them who turned to stare as they went by. A few unrolled their window and threw beer bottles at me that exploded harmlessly against the asphalt.
In my pack I had a tent and sleeping bag, a set of aluminum cookpots, and a Swedish- made camping stove that ran on gasoline and had to be pressurized with a thumb pump. That and a week’s worth of food was all I had with me outside Gillette, Wyoming, that morning, when I saw a man walking toward me up the on‑ramp from town.
From a distance I could see that he wore a quilted old canvas union suit and carried a black lunch box. I took my hands out of my pockets and turned to face him. He walked up and stood there studying me. His hair was wild and matted and his union suit was shiny with filth and grease at the thighs. He didn’t look unkindly but I was young and alone and I watched him like a hawk. He asked me where I was headed. “California,” I said. He nodded.
“How much food do you got?” he asked.
I thought about this. I had plenty of food—along with all the rest of my gear—and he obviously didn’t have much. I’d give food to anyone who said he was hungry, but I didn’t want to get robbed, and that’s what seemed was about to happen.
“Oh, I just got a little cheese,” I lied. I stood there, ready, but he just shook his head.
“You can’t get to California on just a little cheese,” he said. “You need more than that.”
The man said that he lived in a broken-down car and that every morning he walked three miles to a coal mine outside of town to see if they needed fill‑in work. Some days they did, some days they didn’t, and this was one of the days that they didn’t. “So I won’t be needing this,” he said, opening his black lunch box. “I saw you from town and just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
The lunch box contained a bologna sandwich, an apple, and a bag of potato chips. The food had probably come from a local church. I had no choice but to take it. I thanked him and put the food in my pack for later and wished him luck. Then he turned and made his way back down the on‑ramp toward Gillette.
I thought about that man for the rest of my trip. I thought about him for the rest of my life.
He’d been generous, yes, but lots of people are generous; what made him different was the fact that he’d taken responsibility for me. He’d spotted me from town and walked half a mile out a highway to make sure I was okay. Robert Frost famously wrote that home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in. The word “tribe” is far harder to define, but a start might be the people you feel compelled to share the last of your food with. For reasons I’ll never know, the man in Gillette decided to treat me like a member of his tribe.
This book is about why that sentiment is such a rare and precious thing in modern society, and how the lack of it has affected us all. It’s about what we can learn from tribal societies about loyalty and belonging and the eternal human quest for meaning.
It’s about why—for many people—war feels better than peace and hardship can turn out to be a great blessing and disasters are sometimes remembered more fondly than weddings or tropical vacations. Humans don’t mind hardship, in fact, they thrive on it; what they mind is not feeling necessary. Modern society has perfected the art of making people not feel necessary.
It’s time for that to end.
Let’s make ourselves and the world proud.
Note: This particular blog post is written for women. However, if you’re a man and you’re reading this, you may learn something that’s helpful with respect to women who are in the middle of their life.
“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” –Nora Ephron
“The body is not a thing, it is a situation.” —Simone de Beauvoir
Hi. My name is Shelli. I’m 51 years old and I’m going through perimenopause. 🤪💃🏿
Hi! I’m Shelli.
By definition, perimenopause means “around menopause” and refers to the time during which a woman’s body makes its natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years. Technically speaking, this is a time when a woman’s level of estrogen–the main female hormone–rises and falls unevenly. A woman’s menstrual cycle may lengthen or shorten, and she may begin having menstrual cycles in which her ovaries don’t release an egg (ovulate).
Can I just call it what it is? This is a time when all hell breaks loose for a woman. (Note: Not all women struggle in perimenopause/midlife. There are some who sail through this stage without incident. I just don’t know any of them.)
But before we get to the hell-breaking-loose part, let me say for the record that the middle of life is an extremely meaningful and beautiful stage of life. This is a time of harvest and reaping the benefits of years of striving, raising children (or not), overcoming challenges, making memories, and more. It’s a time for reflecting, to be grateful for the blessings in our life while looking forward with hope and anticipation. Personally, and honestly, this is the best time of my life.
And, it’s a hard and disorienting time.
For example, the other night my husband, Jerry, brought home flowers for me. Upon discovering them, I kissed the flowers and then smelled my husband while saying Thank You. (And by the way, I didn’t deserve the flowers, but that’s another story. For now, suffice it to say that my husband is thoughtful, but also probably concerned. After all, these days I often enter a room and can’t remember why. I am more easily overwhelmed. I sometimes think I’m losing my mind, and I’m often not recognizable to myself, let alone to those who love me.)
I’ve been soliciting and compiling a list of unusual or “crazy” things women have done or experienced as a result of the physiological and psychological changes in midlife. (If you’re a woman, please consider sharing anecdotes and stories with me. I promise to not disclose your identity.) The first woman who shared about her experience with perimenopause did so a couple of years ago when I ran into her at a community event. This is a woman that I have always considered to be a rockstar–a superwoman who is extremely accomplished, involved in her community, and who isn’t easily fazed. I hadn’t seen or talked to her in over a year. She explained that perimenopause had turned her life upside down. She explained that for over a year she was for the most part “emotionally disabled,” and shared with me intimate details about how particular parts of her body were breaking down in all kinds of unexpected and painful ways. I have been scared ever since.
A woman I used to coach who is also in this stage of life, shared with me that one day she walked to the gas station to fill her car up. Yes, you read that correctly.
Another woman told me she has been waking up almost every night with what feels like panic attacks. Once awake, she feels an impending doom and cannot get through it without getting up and going outside, even if it’s dark and even if it’s raining or snowing out. She explained that she could not bear the thought of even one more night like that, so she went to the doctor to get a prescription for anti-anxiety meds, which she hopes will prevent future panic attacks and feelings of doom.
I belong to a few online communities that cater to women who are over 40 and it’s common to read of women suffering existential crises. Another woman wrote to me that after she spent an evening reading in bed like she typically does (“with the perfect eyesight I’ve always had”) she woke up and it was the end of her perfect eyesight. Just like that. Literally overnight. While checking emails on her phone at breakfast, the words were so blurry she had to strain hard with her eyes just to try to read it. Her great vision never returned and she now wears progressive lenses. Are eyesight problems due to perimenopause? I don’t know, but at this point, I’d say, of course! 🙂
Several women have shared with me how they wake up in the early morning hours to discover themselves stripped naked, and their bedsheets totally drenched all the way through the mattress pad. At the same time, they feel mentally scattered and confused.
Educator and author Darcey Steinke, in her latest book, Flash Count Diary: Menopause and the Vindication of Natural Life, describes one of her hot flashes: “I throw off my covers and feel, in the first pocket of spooky quiet, that flames are burning from my inner organs up into my muscles toward the skin. I’d run away but how does one flee one’s own body? Each hair is a thin electric coil heating up my head.”
Hot flash cure. This is how we do it on the Frontier. 😉
Like I was saying, the struggle is real.
Jenny Offill, author of Dept. of Speculation, praises Steinke’s book: calling it “a profound white-knuckle ride through unnamed territories.”
I love Offill’s description because as I find myself experiencing symptoms of perimenopause, I do indeed feel like I’m in an unnamed territory. It is as if I’m standing with a great expanse of uncharted land before me, for which I do not have a map. And by all early indications, the terrain will at times be severe and dramatic.
Add to that, I’ve learned that the physiological and psychological symptoms that come with this stage of a woman’s life, can last 4-12 years. In other words, this won’t be a quick adventure, and I’m going to need some help.
Fortunately, help is available in many forms. First, there are forms of support that address physiological and psychological symptoms. There is hormone replacement. There are antidepressants and anxiety meds. There is therapy. Meditation. Exercise. Time spent outdoors. Yoga. Acupuncture. Massages. There are numerous recommended supplements that reportedly help relieve midlife ailments, including Magnesium L-Threonate, Vitamin D, Vitamin B12, melatonin, and others. There are herbs like Black Cohosh, Vitex Berry, and other natural solutions–where legal–such as cannabis (CBD and THC). And the list goes on and on.
While I’m still creating a personal map to help me navigate the terrain of midlife, I have found some “guidebooks.” Books I’ve turned to for knowledge–and often, humor–include: Why We Can’t Sleep: Women’s New Midlife Crisis, by Ada Calhoun, I Feel Bad About My Neck, by Nora Ephron, I See You Made An Effort, by Annabelle Gurwitch, Love and Trouble: A Midlife Reckoning, by Claire Dederer, What Would Virginia Woolf Do?, by Nina Lorez Collins (who started a closed Facebook group with the same name that grew to 31,000 members that has now moved away from Facebook into its very own app), Flash Count Diary: Menopause and the Vindication of Natural Life, by Darcey Steinke, The Hormone Cure, by Sara Gottfried, The Wisdom of Menopause, by Christiane Northrup, and several others that my forgetful brain isn’t able to recall at the moment.
Our experience in this wilderness that is midlife can feel lonely.
This is a good time to mention that we are in a Loneliness Epidemic in the United States. Some 50% of Americans report feeling lonely. This is compared to just 20% in the 1980s. During a time when we’ve never been more connected, we are increasingly lonely. Loneliness doesn’t only bring emotional suffering that results in increased rates of depression, anxiety, and rates of suicide, but also results in real health ramifications. One Cigna study reported that experiencing loneliness is the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day. People who regularly experience loneliness are more likely to get sick and to live shorter lives.
I’ve been doing research and writing on belonging and loneliness and will be publishing a separate blog post about that soon. But I mention loneliness here because it’s relevant. If you’re a midlife woman, experiencing even just some of the many symptoms of perimenopause, it’s likely you’ll sometimes experience loneliness. I know I have experienced loneliness, despite the fact I have a number of friends and good people in my life.
But I offer some encouragement: We’re not alone. At least we don’t have to be.
The most helpful “medicine”/cure I’ve found so far for the challenges of perimenopause and all things midlife–of all of the solutions I’ve purchased or tried–has been connecting with other women. I have found support and guidance from the women in my life, including my mother, my sisters and my friends, and all of the women I have coached or worked with who are experiencing midlife or who have gone before me and made it to the other side of The Change. I find tremendous comfort in the meaningful conversations and intimate sharing of knowledge and experiences that result when women in midlife are together.
So I would like to facilitate more of that.
In an effort to do this, I’m launching a new program called “Epic Midlife Women.” I’ve designed the program that I want to attend. If you’re a woman in your 40s or 50s, dealing with any of the things I’ve mentioned in this blog post, then I’m looking for you.
I hope you’ll consider joining me on the journey through the wilderness of midlife.
The Epic Midlife Women program will include many of the components I incorporate in my coaching, presentation, and other Epic programs, but will follow a new format. While we’ll have some time offsite in a beautiful outdoor location, this program will be more of an event and gathering. In addition to programming that will be related to all things midlife, there will be a lot of facilitated, as well as organic, conversation, connection, and sharing.
Here’s a personal video message I made:
If you’re interested in learning more about the program, please email me. The program is being offered on a first-come, first-served basis.
Thank you for reading. I appreciate your time and support.
“I have lost myself, though I know where I am.” –Rebecca Solnit, A Field Guide to Getting Lost
“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” -Blaise Pascal
“I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. ” -Henry David Thoreau
Hi!
I love the outdoors, and hiking is one of my biggest passions. I hike about 1,000 miles a year and at least half of those I hike alone. This is not because I can’t find people to hike with but rather because I often prefer it.
As I write this, I’m reminded of a poem by my favorite poet, the late Mary Oliver. It’s called How I Go Into the Woods, and it articulates perfectly why I often go into the woods alone.
How I go to the woods
Ordinarily, I go to the woods alone, with not a single friend, for they are all smilers and talkers, and therefore unsuitable.
I don’t really want to be witnessed talking to the catbirds or hugging the old black oak tree.
I have my way of praying, as you no doubt have yours.
Besides, when I am alone I can become invisible.
I can sit on the top of a dune as motionless as an uprise of weeds, until the foxes run by unconcerned.
I can hear the almost unhearable sound of the roses singing.
If you have ever gone to the woods with me, I must love you very much.
I love people, and I love hiking with my family and close friends. One of my favorite aspects of my work is guiding others on Epic Adventures. If you’ve ever hiked with me, I do indeed love you very much. 🙂
Hiking in solitude over the years is how I have discovered who I am. It’s how I discover who I am becoming. When I’m struggling or hurting or confused, my time spent hiking in solitude heals me and shows me the way. Time spent alone inspires me to imagine all that is possible. I’m inspired to dream. The clients I coach and take on epic adventures often comment about the value of the solitude they experience even during what are group adventures. Leaders today are in demand almost constantly thanks to technology and the challenges of an ever-changing and often uncertain future. One leader, who is 52 years old, told me that the solitude he experienced in the Wind River Mountains of Wyoming “showed me that the space for me to grow is so much bigger than I thought it was.” That’s what happens when we give ourselves some time alone. We see the possibility in ourselves and in our lives.
In addition, hiking alone has taught me how to pay attention, not only to my thoughts but to the wonders around me. My favorite poet, the late Mary Oliver, suggested that the “instructions for living a life” are: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it. My solo treks have provided ample practice in paying attention and I am constantly being astonished. (I sometimes think it was Mary Oliver, in her many poems reflecting on walks in the woods and as a witness to nature, who taught me how to pay attention.)
Last week, I went on a 25-mile training hike, the first of many such long solo hikes I’ll do this Summer. After I posted photos and videos from my long solo hike on Facebook, there were some comments made out of concern for my safety, given I hiked so far and that I did it alone. The comments were not criticisms as much as concerns from wonderful people, and they were heartfelt and well-meaning, which I appreciate.
I am aware of the risks and I mitigate them the best I can. I tell Jerry and the boys, and/or my parents, where I’ll be and my expected timeline. I am familiar with the trails and area I’ll be hiking in. I always have a map and a compass. Plus, I carry with me a Garmin InReach, which allows my husband and family to track me on a map so they always can know my whereabouts when I’m in the mountains, and I am able to send and receive texts. If I get injured I can notify them, and I can launch a search or S.O.S. with the push of a button. I don’t hike with headphones on. I carry bear spray and items that would help in case of an emergency or if I have to spend an unexpected night in the woods. While hiking, I am hypervigilant and pay careful attention to my surroundings, in addition to always being on the lookout for the ineffable. I love my life, and I want to be safe. I always want to return from my hike.
Rebecca Solnit writes in one of my favorite books of hers, A Field Guide to Getting Lost: “I have lost myself though I know where I am.” In fact, it is in losing myself in my thoughts and with nature all around me that I find myself over and over again.
One day in Alaska’s Brooks Range, on my NOLS course in 2011, we got turned around and we weren’t sure of our location. After some hours of backpacking, we were feeling a little demoralized and uncertain so we took off our heavy packs, and got our big topographical maps out before going about trying to figure out where we were.
The Brooks Range is a 700-mile-long mountain range that stretches from West to East in the far north of Alaska. The country is remote and vast and wild. There are no roads and no trails in the Brooks Range. So, in order to determine your location, you have to try to match the land formations around you with features on the map. It can be laborious. After a while of not figuring out where we were, a couple of us grew impatient, myself included. I just wanted to move, in any direction. I was tired of not going anywhere, and tired of not figuring out the answer to our question. One of my course-mates said to me, “With all due respect, I don’t think it’s a waste of time to figure out where we are, so we can figure out where we’re going.”
I’ve never forgotten those words. Such wisdom! First of all, if you’re in the wilderness and you think you may be lost, you don’t keep going. You S.T.O.P. Stop, Think, Observe and Plan. But even more importantly, we should live our lives with such wisdom. We cannot expect to realize our dreams or achieve our goals without first having a very good understanding of who we are, and where we are. Self-awareness is the necessary first step to not only living our best (epic) life but to being the best version of ourselves. Our vision of who we want to be serves as our True North.
In other words, our compass is more important than our map. Who we are is more valuable than what our goals are.
By design, I do a lot of things for work. Mostly, I’m a life and leadership coach, keynote presenter, leadership developer, and adventure guide. People hire me when they want to take stock of their life or leadership or both, and to help them make changes.
In order to be content and self-aware, we must have some regular intervals of time each week when we’re available only to ourselves in order to listen to our thoughts, including the good, the bad and the ugly. I’m not a coach for everyone. Anyone who works with me can expect to do a deep dive into Self. It’s that important to a fulfilled life, and it’s not easy work.
As someone who likes people, and who values relationships, I feel strongly that listening is the most important skill we ought to develop. (Unfortunately, we are not taught to listen, which in my humble opinion, is a tragedy.) Most of us are not very good listeners. Right now, take a second to think about all of the people you know and are in a relationship with. Can you think of one or two who are really good listeners? These are people who listen to you so closely that you feel as if you’re the only person in the world when you’re with them. It’s uncommon to find these great listeners, so when you do, it’s a gift. If you have any of them in your life, cherish and thank them. Seeing and hearing a person is one of the greatest gifts we can offer someone.
But we also need to be great listeners for ourselves.
Time alone, and solitude feels not empty, but “full.” Thanks to Joel Krieger for this photo of me in my backyard, near Temple Peak and Temple Lake, in the Wind River Range.
My love for solitude happened by accident. When I was 21 years old, I lost my Division I basketball scholarship. It was my most spectacular failure. I wasn’t a good enough player, and there was someone else who was better and more deserving of my scholarship, so my scholarship was given to another player.
I was devastated, and a long way from home. Most of my friends were still on the basketball team, so losing my scholarship meant also losing significant time with my friends. I started spending a lot of time alone, hiking Mount Sentinel on the edge of campus. Until then, I always thought people who went to the movies alone, or who hiked or did anything alone, were lonely people. Boy was I wrong about that. In fact, lonely and alone are not the same things. We can feel lonely in a crowded room or at a party a friend is throwing, yet not feel lonely when we’re alone. As writer May Sarton wrote: “Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.”
Before I continue singing the praises of time spent alone, I want to share something that should get all of our attention: We are in a loneliness epidemic. A Cigna study released in May of 2018 confirmed that 50% of Americans report feeling lonely. (In the 1980s, when we were far less “connected” via technology, just 20% of Americans reported feeling lonely.) One of the most concerning things about the loneliness epidemic is that many who are lonely today are our young people, particularly those who are age 18-22. The emotional suffering and despair caused by loneliness are difficult to live with and often lead to increased rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide. Experiencing loneliness also has serious physical health ramifications. According to the Cigna study, being lonely has the same effect on our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. If you feel like you are experiencing loneliness, then solitude might not be something to seek right now. In fact, the key to decreasing loneliness is having meaningful relationships, feeling engaged and accepted at work, taking care of our health, and feeling as if we belong. If you’re feeling lonely, more time in isolation is likely not what you’re needing.
I recommend reading Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, by Brené Brown. This is the book that raised my awareness about loneliness.) I’m saving the topic of loneliness for another blog post, and for the record, while I don’t consider myself lonely right now, I have experienced loneliness before, and will likely experience it again.
Also, introverts might have an easier and more enjoyable time in solitude than extroverts. I’m oversimplifying, but in short, introverts tend to get their energy internally, and extroverts tend to get energy from other people and from being in social situations. So it might be that solitude is easier and more desirable for introverts than it is for extroverts, yet there is value in solitude for both.
I am blessed that I was only 21 years old when I discovered the value of time spent alone, because now I am 51 years old, and the solitude I regularly enjoy has been a blessing over the years. It has been a difference-maker in my life.
We hear a lot about being our “Authentic Self,” and in leadership, we hear a lot about being an “Authentic Leader.” Both are hard, if not impossible, to be if we don’t even know who we are. Joseph Campbell said, “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” Amen to that. If only people would dare to invest time alone so that they may discover who they are. By the way, I have learned that how we live is how we lead, so self-knowledge is the first step whether your motive is to live your best life or to have a positive and effective leadership impact on others.
We discover our authentic self during time alone, taking stock, listening to our thoughts, feeling our emotions, asking ourselves important questions and then giving ourselves the time and space to answer them.
Solitude is a gift and an opportunity, yet most of us don’t get enough of it. As a coach who promotes time spent alone, there are three excuses I hear most often for not getting enough of, or any, solitude.
The first excuse is a common excuse for not doing a lot of things we want and need to do. It is the, “I don’t have time. I’m so busy, and I can’t find the time” excuse. I think it was writer Elizabeth Gilbert who said, “We don’t find the time; we make the time.” I couldn’t agree more. We all have 24 hours in a day. I often challenge people I work with and/or know to wake up 15 minutes earlier and to simply go to a dark room and sit alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes before officially starting their day. Using this time to start a mindfulness practice is also beneficial, and is another good way to introduce yourself to Solitude.
The second excuse–and one that I commonly hear from people who hire me as their coach–is, “It’s uncomfortable.” I agree. Being alone with our thoughts can be very uncomfortable. It can be difficult to listen to our thoughts because they’re not always positive. Time spent alone can facilitate a sort of reckoning. We are forced to confront the truths in our life. It is hard to run or hide from one’s self if left alone with our thoughts. This is one of the reasons I think Solitude is so valuable. How can we be a truth teller to our Self if we’re not aware of, or confronting, the hard truths in our life?
In 2008, after selling our first company, I suddenly found myself with time alone, something I hadn’t had the luxury of for years. What I learned was that things were not okay. I wasn’t healthy. I was in a downward spiral and once I had the opportunity to pause and take stock of my life I found that all kinds of alarms were going off. I was 30 pounds overweight, drinking wine on too many weeknights, sedentary, addicted to my iPhone–and depressed.
As Dov Siedman says, “When you press the pause button on a machine, it stops. But when you press the pause button on human beings they start up.” When I finally had time alone I was able to see and confront the hard truths that were hijacking my life.
Time spent alone helps to prevent me from running from or ignoring the areas that could use my attention. Tears frequently come for me during solitude. The quiet and lack of others around help me to feel and experience and process my emotions at a deeper level. I recently read the book, I Miss You When I Blink, by Mary Laura Philpott. In it, I highlighted the following: “When I look back now at this time when I craved solitude and escape, I see that I wanted to be unwitnessed for a while, that’s all. I didn’t want anyone to see how wrong I felt. I wanted a chance to feel messed up without also feeling self-conscious. It was like the feeling I used to get before I fainted–an inkling of a crash, a hunch that I should get close to the ground. I needed a place where I could hit the floor without the added anxiety of knowing someone was watching me fall.”
As someone who is an expert when it comes to self-criticism, solitude helps me to be more self-compassionate as a result of the greater understanding I have of myself, which has come through all the time I have spent alone.
I’ve coached 175 individual from across the U.S. during the last eight years, and I think every one of them struggles, at least at times, with self-criticism. We tend to be hard on ourselves.
The potential reward for spending time alone is to gain an understanding of self, which leads to more compassion for, and less judgment of, self, and others.
One of my favorite essays is Joan Didion’s On Self Respect, written in 1961. It so resonates for me because it articulates better than I can the importance of knowing oneself in the interest of respecting oneself. From her essay is this favorite passage of mine:
“To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are on the one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remain blind to our fatal weaknesses. On the other, we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out–since our self-image is untenable–their false notion of us.”
Today, it uncommon for people to invest the time and effort it takes to really know oneself.
One question I challenge people I know and work with to ask themselves is, “What am I needing?” This is such an important question, and most of us do not give ourselves time and space to consider the question, let alone the possible answers to it. It is much easier to live in denial, and to not confront or address personal challenges, weaknesses or pains if we avoid making ourselves aware of them. But this lack of awareness also prevents us from making changes that could be significant to our life.
I’m a voracious reader and one book I love is Journal of a Solitude, by the late May Sarton. Sarton was an American novelist, poet, and memoirist who suffered from bouts of depression. (Sarton referred to solitude as “the richness of the self.”) Journal Of A Solitude is a book that is one year’s worth of Sarton’s journaling, which includes some pretty dark times. Here are just two of the many gems I have highlighted in my dog-eared copy of the book:
“I am here alone for the first time in weeks, to take up my ‘real’ life again at last,” begins Sarton, in Journal of a Solitude. “That is what is strange—that friends, even passionate love, are not my real life, unless there is time alone in which to explore what is happening or what has happened.”
And, another gem from the book: “There is no doubt that solitude is a challenge and to maintain balance within it a precarious business. But I must not forget that, for me, being with people or even with one beloved person for any length of time without solitude is even worse. I lose my center. I feel dispersed, scattered, in pieces. I must have time alone in which to mull over my encounter, and to extract its juice, its essence, to understand what has really happened to me as a consequence of it.”
Sarton’s book is inspiring to me, in ways I can’t quite articulate other than to say I have my own dark pools and depressive moments, and reading of Sarton’s own struggles helps me feel not as alone in my personal struggles. I highly recommend the book.
The third excuse I hear is “It’s boring.” As a society, we have come to view boredom as a problem to solve. Think about the last time you had to wait for anything–out front of the school waiting for a son or daughter, in the waiting room of a clinic, waiting in line at the post office or grocery store, stuck at a stop light or stop sign, or in TSA line at the airport–or well, just about in any situation. At the first glimpse of free time, most of us reach for our smartphone. (I read somewhere that the average U.S. American adult reaches for his/her phone 150 times a day. This is staggering, and I believe it.)
I work with many creative people, and in my presentations to leaders, and in my coaching work with them, I like to make a case for boredom. In order for us to brainstorm new ideas, to have Aha moments and new solutions to old problems, we must allow our mind to wander. Our mind wanders only if and when we allow ourselves to experience boredom.
Joseph Campbell, from his Power of Myth, writes about the important influence that solitude has on one’s creativity, whether toward self or a creative endeavor.
“You must have a room, or a certain hour or so a day, where you don’t know what was in the newspapers that morning, you don’t know who your friends are, you don’t know what you owe anybody, you don’t know what anybody owes to you. This is a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be. This is the place of creative incubation. At first you may find that nothing happens there. But if you have a sacred place and use it, something eventually will happen.”
And another favorite, from Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s Gift From the Sea, a book I recommend (especially to women): “Certain springs are tapped only when we are alone.”
Try to resist the temptation to reach for your phone, or fill/use up the little bits of free time the next time you are required to wait or have a moment to not do anything. It’s hard work, AND it’s worth it. The podcast, Note to Self, did a series of challenges they called “Bored and Brilliant” that were designed to “guide you to less phone time and more creativity.” Thousands of people signed up for the challenges, which included things like not reaching for your phone during public transit, not using your phone as a camera to instead “see the world through your eyes not your screen,” delete apps, and other challenges.
As far as our rampant use of smartphones, let the record show that I’m guilty! Technology is a Godsend for me, and my work. It enabled our first company (Yellowstone Journal/YellowstonePark.com, NationalParkTrips) to do world-class work from the Frontier of Wyoming, and it enables me to reach and serve clients from around the country even as I work in an RV parked by the river in the foothills of Wyoming’s Wind River Range. I think I mostly use technology for good, but it’s also a fact that I’m too tethered to it. Facebook, in particular, has facilitated meaningful friendships I wouldn’t have otherwise, and has enriched so many of my connections with friends and family. It is also a marketing tool for me, as well as a place for me to share things that I find inspiring, and worth sharing with the world.
But I am finding that my almost-constant tethered-ness to my phone and social media is also not always serving me. It’s addictive, and distracting, and it probably limits me at least as much as it helps and enriches me. This is a real conundrum, and something I’ve been working on addressing for years now. (Cal Newport, author of Deep Work, and also the work of Derek Sivers and Josh Waitzkin continue to inspire me to take serious stock of my use of technology.)
University of Virginia psychologist Timothy Wilson and colleagues have studied people when in solitude. For one experiment, people were instructed to sit alone, with only their thoughts, in an empty lab room for 15 minutes. The only thing in the room was a button they could push, and if they pushed it, it would self-administer an electrical shock. The results were startling: Even though all participants had previously stated that they would pay money to avoid being shocked with electricity, half of all participants shocked themselves at least once, the team reported in Science. That’s newsworthy, so I’ll be redundant: Half of us would rather shock ourselves than sit alone with our thoughts for 15 minutes. I can’t help myself – this is shocking!
Sherry Turkle is Director of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) Initiative on Technology and Self. Turkle has been studying the psychology of online connectivity for more than 30 years, and she is the author of two books I recommend, Alone Together, and Reclaiming Conversation. The latter, which investigates how a flight from conversation undermines our relationships, creativity, and productivity, is a cautionary tale for us, especially for parents and teachers. (But for the record, I think everyone ought to read the book.)
According to Turkle, “Studies of conversation both in the laboratory and in natural settings show that when two people are talking, the mere presence of a phone on a table between them or in the periphery of their vision changes both what they talk about and the degree of connection they feel. People keep the conversation on topics where they won’t mind being interrupted. They don’t feel as invested in each other. Even a silent phone disconnects us.” So just the presence of a phone, which has become a way to “solve” boredom, prevents us from going deep with people.
One finding of Turkle’s that is a surprise, and warrants our attention, is that our capacity for Solitude actually helps us be more empathetic with others.
“In solitude we find ourselves; we prepare ourselves to come to a conversation with something to say that is authentic, ours. If we can’t gather ourselves, we can’t recognize other people for who they are. If we are not content to be alone, we turn others into the people we need them to be. If we don’t know how to be alone, we’ll only know how to be lonely.”
Hear hear. I cannot say it better.
Sometimes I like to ask people, If you had just one piece of advice for someone that would help them live their best life, what would it be? If I were asked the question, I would offer, Pay Attention.
One of the best ways I have found to practice paying attention is to spend time alone, listening to my thoughts, reflecting on my life, and noticing all that is around me.
I hope this blog post will inspire you to carve out more time for yourself, and that the solitude you experience will bless you and your life in new and unexpected ways.
Thanks for reading. I really appreciate it.
“A little while alone in your room will prove more valuable than anything else that could ever be given you.” (Rumi) Photo: Solitude in the Cirque of the Towers.
“You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.”
Howdy!
These were the words of a family friend, and former neighbor Bruce Thoren. He had said it years ago when our families were sharing a llama hiking adventure and there were one million mosquitoes (per hour) swarming around us.
I’ve never forgotten the wonderful adventure or the quote.
I’m a voracious reader and an avid quote collector. I never forget quotes that inspire and impact me. You’re going to read a few of them in this post.
For almost a decade now, I’ve reserved Fridays for long solo hikes or snowshoe or ski outings. Unless I’m traveling or injured or under the gun with work deadlines or call volume, I have honored this standing date. These solo treks are so valuable to me. They provide me with time for contemplation, brainstorming, and sorting out emotional or mental challenges I’m having. Of course, they also provide for improved fitness and endurance, which are important to me given my personal interests, and the fact I need to stay in top shape to lead clients on Epic Adventures.
The reason I’m writing about this today is that it’s Friday. I had plans to skate ski this morning. I had limited time compared to normal so I planned to ski in town at the golf course.
It was –5 degrees. Oh, how I did not want to ski! I didn’t want to even leave the house when I learned the temperature. (Sometimes, in this day and age, I think we can have too much information. This morning it may have been helpful for me not be able to know the actual temperature. But I digress… )
In addition to having to confront subzero temps, I was feeling stiff and sore from a workout I did on Wednesday. The thought of going out and doing one of the most physical activities there is to do, and to do it in subzero temperatures, with stiff and sore muscles, well, let’s just say I wasn’t exactly eager. But then, as if right on cue, I caught myself saying to myself, “You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit.”
And with that, I was in the car headed to ski. (Thanks Bruce.)
By the way, one benefit of subzero temperatures is you will likely get to enjoy first tracks, and you’ll probably have the trails all to yourself. This morning I enjoyed both, thank you. 🙂
My skis barely glided on the squeaky corduroy. My face was frozen, and I couldn’t feel my fingers or toes or ears. The clouds were unusual and looked as if they had a blurry outline to them. I couldn’t discern if my vision was blurry due to the tears in my eyes from the frigid cold, or if the clouds actually looked like they had a blurry outline. (See photo.)
Cool cloud formation during subzero temperatures this morning.
Eventually, and thankfully, the sun came out. It wasn’t any warmer, but the bright sun’s presence lifted me psychologically. And I got a heck of a workout in.
By the way, no one ever regrets that they did what they said would do. And no one ever regrets working out. It’s good to remember these things when we are struggling to keep our personal health commitments.
I can’t tell you how many Fridays during the last 10 years that the weather and/or trail conditions were unfavorable, but the number is significant.
Of course, I prefer blue skies. Nothing says possibility like blue skies. As an adventurer and an adventure guide, I love a favorable forecast and blue skies, and thanks to living in Lander, Wyoming, I get those things often. But there are still plenty of times when I don’t.
It has been during the many Fridays of unfavorable, unpredictable and uncomfortable conditions when I have experienced some of the best training of my life. And I’m not talking about the physical training.
Due to so much training in unfavorable conditions, I have more experience with uncertainty and adversity. The emotions one experiences when in uncertainty or adversity, regardless of the context, are the same. So going out and having to weather the elements, make decisions, mitigate risk, and manage our morale in uncertain and/or adverse conditions, while somehow remaining optimistic, provides great practice and training for all aspects of one’s life.
A handful of years ago, I led a co-ed Mt. Whitney Epic Adventure. I never worked so hard, by myself or while leading a group, to climb a mountain while never actually climbing it.
The morning we embarked on our expedition, as we left for the trailhead, one of the guides I was partnering with to provide the Mt. Whitney Epic Adventure, told us: “Let us remember: The journey is for the soul. The summit is for the ego.”
I thought to myself, What a fantastic quote, and I’d still like to get us a summit…
The weather forecast warned us of an incoming storm, but it was hard to believe the forecast given the conditions on our first day. During our hike to the first camp, we enjoyed clear, blue skies and warm, bright sunshine. However, weather forecasters were correct. By Day 2, we experienced freezing temperatures, and a windchill of –13, and during the night, our tents were buried by snow. When we woke up the next morning, small icicles were hanging from our tent’s interior.
One of the members of the expedition, who is a dear friend, had a migraine due to the dramatic shift in weather from the sunny and blue sky one day to the aforementioned adverse conditions. And if that wasn’t enough, her contacts actually stuck to her eyeballs during the night of the storm. (Excuse my language but this dear friend is a total badass.)
A photo from my 2014 Epic Mt. Whitney expedition, the mountain climbing expedition where we didn’t climb a mountain.
We made the best of it, but in the end, we didn’t come close to climbing Mt. Whitney.
While I was–we all were–disappointed that we couldn’t stand on the top of Mt. Whitney, I developed my leadership more in that single experience than I did on any previous expedition. And there had been many previous expeditions.
By the way, success is a curious thing, isn’t it? It’s interesting that we consider an expedition where we stand on the summit a success, and one where we don’t as not a success. Of course, I know better, but you get the point. We attach success to our hopes and expectations, which if you think about it, is limiting because anything less than that is then automatically considered not a success (failure).
For the record, I would not wish to relive the snowy and cold and exceptionally challenging Mt. Whitney expedition. But I would not trade the experience for anything. The hard experience developed me further as a leader. I still reflect on things I learned, and things I’d do differently as a leader, thanks to that challenging experience when the conditions were so unfavorable. I learned a lot from the guides, and their leadership styles amidst adverse conditions. I learned a lot about managing the risks, and morale, of a challenging expedition.
My previous Mt. Whitney expedition had gone exactly as planned. We had perfect weather every day and enjoyed a long celebration on the mountain’s summit. It was an incredible experience, but did it develop me as a person or a leader? Probably not very much.
The journey is for the soul. The summit is for the ego.
I know it’s cliche, but life is a journey. If we are too focused on our dreams and the end goals–”the summit”–we risk missing out on the experiences of life, the numerous small things that add up to make a good and unforgettable life.
Another favorite quote is from Josh Waitzkin. Waitzkin is an American chess player, martial arts competitor, and author. As a child, he was recognized as a prodigy and won the U.S. Junior Chess championship in 1993 and 1994. The film, Searching for Bobby Fischer, is based on Waitzkin’s early life. (If you haven’t read his book, The Art of Learning, I highly recommend it.)
Waitzkin said something in a conversation with Tim Ferriss over a year ago that I recall often. Waitzkin was explaining about the earliest years of his son Jack’s life, and how “bad” weather could have so easily negatively impacted them if they had let it.
“One of the biggest mistakes that I observed in the first year or two of Jack’s life that I observed with parents is that they have this language around weather; weather being good or bad. Whenever it was raining, they’d be like, It’s bad weather. You’d hear moms, babysitters, dads talk about if it’s bad weather, we can’t go out or if it’s good weather, we can go out. So that means that somehow we’re externally reliant on conditions being perfect in order to be able to go out and have a good time… I don’t think we’ve missed one storm… Rain or snow, going outside and romping in it. We developed this language around how beautiful it was. So now whenever there’s a rainy day, Jack says, ‘Look, Da-Da. It’s such a beautiful rainy day.’ And we go out and we play in it.”
I love that story and the important lesson it captures. It does a beautiful job of making the point I’m trying to make with this blog post, which is, the weather is only bad if we decide it is. Or, our life sucks only if we say it does. (Or, suck it up, buttercup. Or, any day outside beats doing laundry. Or, life isn’t perfect. Etc. :))
I’m almost done here, but I have one more thing I just can’t resist sharing.
I once interviewed my friend, and one of Lander’s beloved human beings, Debra East. I was interviewing Debra about her fitness goals and training program. I captured the interview at the swimming pool, right after Debra’s morning swim workout. During the interview, Debra remarked, “I’m not training for any event other than my life.”
Those words of Debra’s are among my favorites of all time.
Hopefully, we are all “training” for our life. Life is, after all, our most important event. And because life is uncertain and full of good times and bad, hardships and celebrations, we ought to look at the hardships, losses, and setbacks not as a bad thing, but as important training.
Why do we so often let ourselves off the hook? We decide we’re going to do something but then when the opportunity comes to do it if the conditions aren’t perfect, we let ourselves off the hook. Even worse, when we let ourselves off the hook, we probably tell ourselves, It’s not that I’m not going to do it. I’m just not going to do it today.
It can be dangerous to think that way because when we are quick to let ourselves off the hook from our commitments, days, or weeks, months, years–a life–can go by and we didn’t do the thing we wanted or needed to do and we can no longer do it.
We ought to wake up each day, and, regardless of what life delivers us, take what we get, learn from it, and not throw a fit.
Thank you so much for stopping by, and for giving of your time to read my thoughts. I appreciate it so much.
Almost 10 years ago to the day, in 2009, despite so many blessings in my life, I found myself in a major slump. I was 40 years old, 35 pounds overweight, sedentary, not eating a healthy diet, drinking wine on too many weeknights, addicted to distractions (email and my cell phone), and add to that, I was depressed.
Hi there!
I knew the work would be very hard, but I felt desperate and determined. I resolved that the new year would be a year of reinvention.
During that year, I would wake up at 4 a.m. to go to the gym to work out. I remember people would often ask me, “How do you get up at 4 a.m. to work out?” And while I appreciated that people were curious, I always thought the question was peculiar because, for me, it was simple: “Well, I set the alarm for 4 a.m., and then when the alarm goes off, I get up and work out.”
But I think what people were really asking me was how did I have the discipline to get up that early to work out?
The answer was something to the effect of “I want to be fit and healthy, and with three kids, and a full life, 4 a.m. is a time that is all mine. No one needs me or misses me at 4 a.m.” It also helped that I have always been a morning person, and despite my state of health at that time, I knew from years of earlier experience that I was more likely to work out if I did it early in the day and not later. But these comprised only part of the answer.
During my reinvention, I spent a lot of time alone, on walks, imagining who I wanted to become–imagining a “reinvented” version of myself. After a lot of thinking about this, I got clear about the kind of person I wanted to be, and I determined that, among other things, I wanted to be not only a fit and healthy person, but a disciplined person.
I have always respected people who are disciplined, and I wanted to be one of them. So when my alarm clock would go off at 4 a.m., I wasn’t exuberant, but I did resist hitting the snooze button. Because a disciplined person doesn’t hit the snooze button on an alarm she herself set. A disciplined person does what she says she’s going to do.
A terrific podcast episode–one of my very favorite out of hundreds–is Radiolab’s Help! I share this podcast with anyone I know who’s trying to create new habits or break old ones. Even though it was originally recorded in early 2011, the conversations in it are timeless, fascinating and inspiring. (I continue to use some of the commitment strategies discussed in the podcast, including–for particularly hard habits I’m trying to start or break–the “Ulysses Pact.”)
I mention the podcast episode here because there’s a segment in it called “You Vs. You” that is fascinating, and will resonate for anyone working to make a change. It highlights what a battle it can be for us when we’re trying to break a habit or create a new one.
During my reinvention, it was my best, most inspired Self that set the alarm for 4 a.m. The one who wanted to work out, and the one who wanted to be disciplined, set the alarm. But when morning came and the alarm went off, for a moment or so, my present self at that time would argue for sleep and for pushing the snooze button. I remember the voices in my head, the battle between my two minds: The voice of the waking version of myself would exclaim, “Whose idea was this? For crying out loud, it’s practically the middle of the night. Just work out later today.” The voice of my best Self, however, would argue: “This alarm clock didn’t set itself!? What would a disciplined person do?” And then I’d get out of bed, and go work out.
I’m a voracious reader, and I’ve read too many books to count about habits and goals, how to change, and how to create and live a meaningful life. There is only a handful of them that I would highly recommend. (Email me if you’d like me to share those with you.)
Today, I have a new favorite book when it comes to habits. It’s called Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones, by James Clear.
Clear, considered one of the world’s leading experts on habit formation, draws on previous research, but adds his own structure and provides us with a proven framework for creating tiny behaviors that result in good habits that last. In this post, I’m going to reference just a small sampling of the insights Clear shares in his book. But trust me, you will want to own this book. It’s not a quick read because its content is substantive and substantial. I’ve highlighted and dog-eared many of its pages, and I know I will be returning to it often.
Clear suggests that habits accumulate, and collectively, they cast “votes” for us. These votes have the power to reshape our identity, and as a result, help us to become the person we want to be.
“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity,” he explains.
In a podcast conversation with the inspiring Rich Roll, Clear explains: “Every morning that you make your bed, you embody the identity of an organized person, someone who’s clean. Every time you go to the gym, you embody the identity of someone who’s fit. Every time you sit down to write a sentence or a page, you embody the identity of someone who’s a writer.”
I love this language. In Clear I have found someone who can articulate a system similar to the one that has worked for me, and many of the people I have coached, or am coaching.
“The more pride you have in a particular aspect of your identity, the more motivated you will be to maintain the habits associated with it,” explains Clear.
From 2009-2010, I accomplished all of my weight loss and fitness goals, and it was in no small part because I wanted to be a disciplined person, which meant acting like (embodying) one. All of those times I resisted the snooze button and got up at 4 a.m. to work out was my casting votes for a disciplined person who valued her health. (I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve been a disciplined person ever since–proof that habits/”votes” can transform you into a different kind of person.)
“If you’re proud of how your hair looks, you’ll develop all sorts of habits to care for and maintain it,” says Clear. “If you’re proud of the size of your biceps, you’ll make sure you never skip an upper-body workout. If you’re proud of the scarves you knit, you’ll be more likely to spend hours knitting each week. Once your pride gets involved, you’ll fight tooth and nail to maintain your habits.”
I do a lot of things for work. One of my roles is life and leadership coach. During the last 7-8 years, I’ve worked with close to 200 individual people/leaders from throughout the U.S. An important aspect of my work as a coach is helping my clients imagine, and gain clarity about how they want to be as a person and a leader. In my experience, how we live is how we lead, and I think the most important question all of us ought to endeavor to answer for ourselves, even if takes our entire lifetime, is Who Am I?, and Who Do I Want To Be?
Do you know what the top regret is for those who are dying? Not having the courage to live a life that was “true” to them. According to Bronnie Ware, a nurse who spent years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the final 12 weeks of their lives: “This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.”
What a gift it is for us to have such valuable information. Because, if you’re like me (or human, for that matter) you have a sense for what regret feels like, and it doesn’t feel so good. In fact, I think it feels terrible.
And yet, I get it. It’s extremely hard to live the life that is true to us. In fact, I think it’s one of, if not the, hardest thing any of us can do. It requires tremendous courage to live our best life.
Fortunately, we can get the courage to live our best life by casting votes for the life that is true to us.
In addition to coaching, I lead Epic wilderness adventures, so perhaps it’s not the best marketing for me to admit that occasionally I get lost. But I’m being honest here. During a personal Epic hike just last year, I left before the sun was up and made a wrong turn at a junction I didn’t notice due to the darkness. Fortunately, I had a compass along, and after determining which direction was North, I was quickly able to correct my course. The peace of mind provided for me after clarifying where True North was cannot be overstated. Knowing who and how we want to be, and carrying that vision with us always, has the same effect in one’s life and/or leadership. It is our compass.
But it’s hard, even for the most imaginative and inspired, to picture who they want to be. In my experience, the best way to get at it is to focus on how we want to be.
One of the first things I do when coaching someone who wants to change their life is I ask them to brainstorm 5 ways they want to be. These may change from year to year depending on life circumstances and goals. Until Jan. 1 of this year, my 5 were nearly the same as they were 10 years ago: Disciplined, Competent, Humble, Generous and Fun. Using my 5 ways to illustrate the identity of the person I wanted to become, I might choose one actionable step/goal (what Clear calls a tiny step or behavior) for each of these traits that I want to embody.
To to be more disciplined, I might give up something I love but that isn’t good for me and start casting votes accordingly. (No donuts in January). To be more competent, the votes I cast might be working to reading one book per month that is about something I want to learn. To be more Humble, I might work to be more aware of my emotions and on the lookout for when it feels like I’m boasting, or perhaps feeling overconfident about something, or when I find myself feeling like an expert I will challenge myself to shift to a Beginner’s mindset. To be more Generous, I might offer more of my time to charity, or to provide an extra service for no charge. To be more Fun, I might choose to take my sons on a spontaneous adventure when they least expect it. Of course, the tiny step for each of these traits needs to be very specific so the change is measurable, but you get the drift.
One of the biggest challenges, which Clear’s book doesn’t solve, but helps us with, is grappling with the reality that it is hard for a future benefit to trump a present craving. And this is in fact why so many people fail at New Year’s resolutions, and all goals for that matter. It is what I consider to be the biggest crux when it comes to trying to create a new habit or trying to break an old one.
How does one stay motivated and committed to a habit in the present moment, in our hour-to-hour, day-to-day actions, and behaviors with the promise of a reward that won’t come for some time, sometimes a very long time? In other words, how do you resolve the instant, present craving when the reward for doing the right thing is so far in the future?
On this topic of craving–that moment when you’re looking for a particular reward–Clear offers some insights. He explains a “good” habit likely doesn’t include a short-term reward. Example: Instead of watching Netflix, I have to go to the gym and do hard stuff and sweat. In the short term, going to the gym doesn’t seem like a reward at all. But there will be a reward in the long-term–improved health and fitness, increased energy, improved self-image, and confidence, feeling good about our staying committed to our goal, etc. A “bad” habit, on the other hand, provides a short-term reward. Example: I get to be lazy and lay on the couch and finish binge-watching my favorite Netflix show tonight. But if we do this repeatedly, we’ll almost certainly not enjoy a reward in the long-run. Instead, it’s likely we’ll suffer a cost (weight gain, poor physical fitness, decreased energy and motivation, increased health risks, self-criticism for not sticking to the goal, etc.)
This also brings to mind something I learned from neuroscientist and author David Eagleman: Our brains favor the present over the future. So in this battle of now vs. later, now almost always wins.
In other words, we are handicapped from the get-go.
How, then, does one remain committed to the habit or goal given we are naturally wired to be more influenced by present rewards than long-term rewards?
Good question. It’s not enough to say: Be committed. We know that but it’s so much easier said than done. Most of us fail at commitment. Many of the women and men who hire me to be their coach have little trouble coming up with goals they want to achieve. What they are needing, and paying me for, among other things, is help in staying committed to their goals.
A few years after transforming my health, I read a book by Clayton Christensen called How Will You Measure Your Life? (Christensen is a professor at the Harvard School of Business, and is the author of other books, including the well-known The Innovator’s Dilemma.)
I gained a lot of inspiration from reading How Will You Measure Your Life, but one section was particularly impactful. Christensen wrote, “It’s easier to hold your principles 100 percent of the time than it is to hold them 98 percent of the time.”
In other words, 100% of the Time is Easier Than 98% of the Time. (Write that down somewhere where you see it and won’t forget it. Remembering this statement has been a difference-maker for me in honoring my various commitments to goals.)
Christensen explains: “Many of us have convinced ourselves that we are able to break our own personal rules ‘just this once.’ In our minds, we can justify these small choices. None of those things, when they first happen, feels like a life-changing decision. The marginal costs are almost always low. But each of those decisions can roll up into a much bigger picture, turning you into the kind of person you never wanted to be.”
As I write these words of Christensen’s here, I realize how well they support Clear’s message that the small positive actions we take, the “votes” we cast in the form of good habits, accumulate and shape us into the person we want to become.
As Clear so eloquently puts it: “The purpose of setting goals is to win the game. The purpose of building systems is to continue playing the game… Ultimately, it is your commitment to the process that will determine your progress.”
Basically, stay committed to tiny positive behaviors, and eventually, you’ll become the person want to be. But let yourself off the hook just this once and you’ll likely to do it again and again, which will mean you’re not committed, and therefore not much will change for you, and you run the risk of not becoming the person you want to be.
Personally, I know that I’ve said “just this once” hundreds of times in recent years while trying to make a hard change. I used to let myself off the hook plenty of times. Fortunately, I’m much better. In fact I may even go as far as to say I am good at staying committed to my habits and goals, but this is the result of a lot of hard effort. (Tip: Be on the lookout for when you find yourself whispering “just this once won’t hurt anything” or thinking it because if you can notice the thought, you’ll have an opportunity to resist the temptation and/craving and stay the course when it comes to your goal(s). But be hyper-aware of your thoughts and actions, because this opportunity to course-correct is fleeting. (This makes a strong case for developing a mindfulness practice if you don’t already have one. Learning how to observe your thoughts is the first step in being able to notice your thoughts before you’re consumed by them. Ping me if you’d like tips about how to get started or for recommendations for mindfulness apps.)
Thinking about how these small behaviors that can accumulate and result into something significant, if only we don’t let ourselves off the hook, reminds me of a 6-minute video I discovered last Fall. I shared it with my husband and our three sons before school one morning. I promise it’s worth your 6 minutes. It is a speech given by U. S. Naval Admiral William McRaven, and it’s called “Change the World by Making Your Bed.”
I hope you’ll watch the short video because it may inspire you, but if you don’t, here’s McRaven’s opening remark: “If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed. If you make your bed every morning, you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride, and it will encourage you to do another task, and another and another. By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed. Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that the little things in life matter. And if you can’t do the little things right, you’ll never be able to do the big things right.”
I want to get the big things right in my life. I bet you do, too.
Whether you’re resolving to make changes this year or to reinvent yourself and/or your life right now, I encourage you to start with imagining you who want to be. Once you have clarity about who you want to be, determine 5 words that describe how you want to be, and then figure out the small actions you can take to help you close the gap between who you are and who you want to be.
Begin doing what James Clear recommends: Start casting votes, embodying the identity of the kind of person you want to be, and start seeing evidence that you are becoming that person. (For the heck of it, I made a list of all the things I am that are a result of creating particular habits during recent years and sticking to them. To name a handful: I am a disciplined person, a meditator, a healthy and fit person, a voracious reader, someone who fasts once a week, etc.)
If you don’t already enjoy regular intervals of solitude, I challenge you to set some time aside for a solo walk, or some solo time sitting in nature, or somewhere out of your usual “habitat,” and let your mind wander. In order for us to have new inspirations and a-ha moments, our mind must be allowed to wander. But as a society, most of us have come to view boredom as a problem to be solved, and we are quick to “fill up” any free time for such pondering and dreaming with mindless distractions found on our iPhone. I discovered a great quote from Dov Seidman that I love: “When you push pause on a machine, it stops, but when you push pause on a human, they start up.”
This new year, give yourself the gift of some undistracted, device-free, solitary time to consider who and how you want to be. To start up. Then, come up with a goal. Start tiny. Clear’s Atomic Habits will be a great resource for you and will encourage you to start by investing as few as 2 minutes toward any given goal. For example, Clear suggests if your goal is to start flossing your teeth, start by flossing just one tooth. Or if your goal is to go to the gym to work out, start by just putting on your gym clothes and driving to the gym.
Like I said, tiny.
Just start.
Because you will regret your inactions more than your actions.
You risk your life when you don’t live it.
I have so much more I could share on the topic of changing your life, setting and achieving your goals, strategies of commitment, and more, but, to use James Clear’s language, I have other votes to cast today.
I wonder, what votes will you cast for yourself today?
Thank you for reading. This blog post is the first vote I’m casting in 2019 for the Writer that I want to be.
Finally, please feel free to leave me a comment, or write to me at coach@yourepiclife.com if you’d like to share about your own habit- or goal-related experiences with me, or if I can be a support to you in 2019.
I recently turned 50 years old. To celebrate the milestone, and the last day of being 49 years old, I went on a 25-mile epic hike with my husband. We started under a full moon, and then a couple of miles into the hike, we stopped at one of our favorite points to watch the sun rise. It was glorious. (Sunrise is my favorite time of day. One of my trail names is “Sunrise.”)
Since the start of 2018, I have been on a quest to memorize my favorite poems. The sunrise near the start of my birthday hike seemed liked the perfect opportunity to recite Why I Wake Early, by Mary Oliver.
Why I Wake Early, by Mary Oliver
To celebrate my last day of being 49 years old, I went on a 25-mile epic hike with my husband. We started under a full moon, and then a couple of miles into the hike, we stopped at this point, and watched the sun rise. (Sunrise is my favorite time of day!) I continue to memorize my favorite poems. I figured this was a good time to recite one of my favorite poems, Why I Wake Early, by Mary Oliver. It's my 10th poem to memorize this year. #maryoliver #whyiwakeearly #poetry #memorizingpoetry #sunrise
Posted by Shelli Johnson on Saturday, June 30, 2018
(This is my 10th poem to memorize this year. If you’re interested, you can see the others by clicking here.)
“It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.” – Muhammad Ali
Hi there!
As an adventurer and guide, the first instruction I offer my Epic Adventure clients is delivered at the trailhead, before we take any steps down the trail. We have our backpacks on, and my Epic Adventurers are chomping at the bit to get the party started. Everyone has done so much to get to this point, and the anticipation is palpable.
But first thing’s first.
I tell them: “As we start up the trail, if you get a pebble in your shoe, or a piece of sand or a pine needle in your boot – or if something doesn’t feel right, please speak up. Speak up, and we’ll stop and make adjustments.”
This is such critical advice because most of us won’t speak up. If it’s a little pebble or piece of sand in our shoe, we tell ourselves it’s a tiny thing, and we can manage it. We tell ourselves it’s just an annoyance, and if we ignore it we’ll soon forget it’s even there. We keep it to ourselves. We don’t want to speak up because we don’t want to cause the whole group to stop or to interrupt our progress.
But it’s such a big mistake to not speak up. To ignore the issue.
I should state that I am personally guilty of all of the examples I’m going to share. On many occasions, I have been the one who ignored the issue.
Before long, the person who didn’t speak up about the pebble in his/her shoe has a full-blown blister from where the pebble was grinding into his/her foot. Every single step is torture. The journey is now one of suffering rather than an adventure. It’s devastating for the person with the blister, and it’s hard for others to witness such suffering. That blister affects not only that person’s performance and experience, but that of the entire group. Not only is our pace, and that person’s level of enjoyment, impacted, but now we have to be wary of infection and take measures to prevent that or he/she may need to be evacuated, which is costly, and not something to shoot for.
I’ve been on adventures, both as customer and as a guide, where it starts to rain and someone doesn’t want to take the time to get his/her raincoat on. It’s a hassle, and besides, they aren’t cold. In fact, the rain feels good. So they think no harm is being done by their not putting their rain gear on. The threat, however, is real. Stages of hypothermia can set in when a person gets wet, and then cold. A person who gets hypothermic is not going to have a great experience, and not only will it affect his/her experience, but it threatens the experience and success of the expedition and the group, as well.
I remember one of my first high altitude backpacking adventures that involved big mileage days, a too-heavy backpack and an ambitious mountain climb, all at higher altitudes than I was accustomed to. I didn’t feel hungry, so I ate very little. (Being at altitude can decrease one’s appetite.) Boy did I pay the price for that. I climbed the mountain, but it was hell, and upon descent, I suffered from major dehydration that had me feeling faint, dizzy, weak, and throwing up. The person I was with, thankfully, was kind and generous and understanding, but certainly my suffering did not have a positive impact on his experience. And my actions (inactions – not eating enough) affected us both.
The examples are endless.
I use these as metaphors for self care. So many of us at times do not prioritize self care. It’s not because we don’t know it’s valuable and that we need it and that it will improve our life and performance. We know these things. Rather, our lives are full or too busy, and we tell ourselves we don’t have time. We tell ourselves we’ll start tomorrow. Many of the wonderful humans I work with, coach and know, are generous and compassionate and tend to put others, and others’ needs before theirs. Being generous is a wonderful attribute, but unfortunately it often comes at a personal cost. Self care can feel selfish for such selfless, giving people.
But self care is not selfish.
When we take care of ourselves, it not only positively impacts our own health and experience – and how we show up in our relationships, experiences, work, family and life – it also impacts those around us, and those who depend on us, and love us.
When we sold our first company in 2008, I suddenly had time on my hands. It was a real reckoning because I realized I wasn’t well. Despite all of the blessings I had in my life, I was overweight, sedentary and depressed. With the right people in my life, and a lot of effort, I spent over a year reinventing my health and my life. Once I was healthy, everything was better.
When we take care of ourselves, everything is better.
Throughout our life, we all will have a pebble in our shoe. It could be an illness, a resentment or grudge we carry with us, a heartbreak, a health concern, a conversation we’re needing to have that we’re not having, something we’re needing to do that we’re putting off. Fill in the blank. This pebble is making our journey – our life – more difficult. Imagine what it would be like without it…
Do you have a pebble in your shoe right now? What is it?
I urge you: Don’t ignore the pebble in your shoe. In my experience, it never resolves itself. More times than not, it is something that starts out seemingly small but then, over time, leads to suffering. We must tend to it.
Thanks for reading.
I love poetry, and I often try to memorize poems that inspire me. Here’s an effort to recite one of my favorite poems by my favorite poet, Mary Oliver, on a recent hike in the “backyard.” Thankfully, my dog, Buddy, was there for support – and to steal the show. 🙂 Thanks for watching. (Full text of poem is included below.)
What is your favorite poem? I’ll be sharing more poetry here throughout this year, and I’d love to hear from you on your favorites.
The Summer Day
by Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
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