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Raising Our Hayden

May 15th, 2020

“And she loved a little boy very, very much—even more than she loved herself.”                                                                                                             –Shel Silverstein

Snuggling my Hayden.

It was March 15 at around lunchtime when I first met my son, Hayden Isaac. He had bright blue eyes and a head full of unruly white hair. He was adorable and absolutely perfect. I’ll never forget those initial moments and days of Hayden’s life and the way it felt to be his mother. I gazed into his eyes and nuzzled his little cheeks and experienced enormous love. 

I still feel the same sense of wonder when I look into Hayden’s eyes, whether it’s when I’m waking him up and trying to cajole him out of bed each morning, or listening to him share about something during dinner, or anytime we’re in a conversation. I watch him when he’s not looking, too, sneaking glimpses from a distance, and I try to hold onto these observations of my Hayden for when he’s away at college in the Fall.

And now, we are celebrating the high school graduation of Hayden. His high school graduation ceremony was originally scheduled for May 17, but due to the COVID19 pandemic, it has been rescheduled for June 14.

Regardless, we have much to celebrate, and I would like to share some thoughts as I reflect on my wonderful son, Hayden–or as I sometimes call him, “Hayday.”

The “raising” of our Hayden seems to have happened in a blink of an eye.  

It seems like just yesterday that Hayden was in the toddler backpack, so near me, looking over my shoulders exclaiming into my ear as he pointed out, excitedly, butterflies (“buttflies”) and bugs and cool rocks or trees that he spied as we explored the woods together. His enthusiasm brought me such delight, and I saw many wonders on the trail that I would have missed if not for Hayden pointing them out to me during those many early adventures.

Hayden is the second of our three sons. (His brothers are Wolf, 20, and Fin, 13.) Hayden gets his name from the late Ferdinand Hayden, a geologist who in 1871, led America’s first federally-funded geological survey of the Yellowstone region. Perhaps it’s no wonder, then, that Hayden is such an outdoorsman.

Hayden was born an adventurous soul. On his first day of preschool, he had a blue thread of stitches in his lower lip, which the day before had split open when he fell while jumping off the picnic table in the backyard. On our hundreds of family hikes, Hayden would take detours from the trail to climb boulders and/or stumps, etc. When he was 16, he embarked on a 21-day National Outdoor Leadership School (NOLS) rock climbing course deep in Wyoming’s Wind River Range, which solidified his love of climbing and the outdoors. 

Hayden, on a hike in his early years.

Speaking of hiking and the outdoors, when our three sons were little, my husband, Jerry, and I would play “trail fairy.” To lure our young boys and their little legs up the trail, we’d plant little treats and notes along the trail for our boys to find. These notes and treats from the trail fairy served to encourage the boys when they were complaining about the hard effort and wanted to quit.

Our family has many favorite hikes and routes in the foothills above Lander that are dotted with big rocks that are personal landmarks for us. These landmarks represent places we’d stop for brief rests during our hikes when the boys were little. These landmarks have names like Root Beer Rock, Skittles Rock, and Butterfinger Rock. Butterfinger Rock is the rock we named for Hayden, and all these years later, we continue to hike by and take rests at/on Butterfinger Rock.  

These days, even as an avid hiker, I am the one who needs a trail fairy! I can hardly keep up with Hayden on the trail. Recently he and I went on a hard hike that involved climbing up to some caves. Even though Hayden slowed his pace for me, I struggled to keep up. He is kind, though, and during our hikes, Hayden looks back to check on his “Mum,” and he waits for me to catch up. 

Hayden’s not only an excellent outdoorsman but also a generous one. On backpacking trips or overnight trips to our cabin, Hayden is always happy to carry extra weight in his pack to lighten my load. Hayden is not only generous but tough! During our family’s backpacking pilgrimage on the Camino de Santiago in the summer of 2018, Hayden carried his full backpack while trekking 20-mile days with terrible blisters on his feet and Achilles tendonitis, without complaint. 

Speaking of lightening loads, Hayden has always been very capable and independent. I can’t remember a time we’ve had to lighten Hayden’s load for him. Except for having to push him out of bed almost every school morning for 12 years, Hayden has not required much pushing or assistance from us. During these last few years, I’ve noticed myself inserting myself in Hayden’s life, doing things for him that he doesn’t need or expect me to do, simply so I can experience more time with him.  

Hayden loves his friends. He has had the same best friends since middle school and they’ve become like part of our family. Our dog, Buddy, is also one of Hayden’s best friends, and they spend a lot of time together.

Hayden, with his Buddy.

Hayden is the second of our three sons.(His brothers are Wolf, 20, and Fin, 13.) Because Hayden is a second child, I have that in common with him. I think because we’re both second in the birth order, I relate to him in a special way.

Hayden is a competitor. He loves competition. For years, our family has played the game, Apples to Apples, and Hayden almost always wins. He loves winning and has a gift when it comes to persuasion. A poem Hayden likes is “The Great Competitor,” by Grantland Rice. I love this particular verse, which reminds me of Hayden: Where others wither in the fire | Or fall before some raw mishap | Where others lag behind or tire | And break beneath the handicap | He finds a new and deeper thrill | To take him on the uphill spin | Because the test is greater still | And something he can revel in.

Hayden is a tremendous athlete. I remember working hard to get back in shape after Hayden was born, and I have vivid memories of being on the elliptical trainer in our basement, stepping and sweating while talking to Hayden, who was nearby in his “Exersaucer” bouncing away and talking to me as we exercised together.  

As a result of the COVID19 pandemic, many are missing the ability to participate and watch sports. This is particularly hard for our Hayden, who is such a sports enthusiast. In his last two years of high school, he ran cross country and indoor and outdoor track. Unfortunately, due to the pandemic, Hayden missed his senior outdoor track season and the opportunity to go to two NBA games, one that was a birthday gift and one that was to be a graduation gift. He is a real student and lover of the game of basketball, and while he didn’t play basketball in his last two years of high school, it continues to be one of his favorite sports and pastimes. When the snow melts every spring, Hayden can most likely be found playing basketball at one of the local playgrounds, usually with his brothers. In addition to hiking, running, and playing basketball, Hayden loves rock climbing, skiing, and snowboarding. He also enjoys playing disc golf, and usually wins our family disc golf games.

Our handsome Hayden.

Hayden is a foodie. As a family, we have traveled to 11 countries in the last four years and a highlight for Hayden is enjoying the myriad of exotic foods. He’s also become a great baker. As a toddler, Hayden wanted to be a “cupcake maker” when he grew up, and while his dreams have changed, for years he has been our family’s designated cake maker for birthdays and special occasions. He has a big sweet tooth and that is probably my fault because when I was pregnant with Hayden, I set a world record for how many butterscotch malts a woman could eat in 9 months. I should add that Hayden is the only member of our family who can eat more s’mores in a single sitting than I can, which is saying a lot!

Hayden is a hard worker and loves making money (what he calls “bread”), and he’s good at managing his earnings. In 2016, our family traveled to Europe where we explored 8 countries over the course of 30 days. After starting our trip over budget (due in large part to not being able to satisfy the hunger of our three growing sons), we asked Hayden to manage the family’s daily food budget. Whether he enjoyed that responsibility or not, he did a fantastic job and kept us on budget for the remainder of our trip.

Hayden is funny and quick-witted. He is also very knowledgeable. Since he was old enough to talk, Hayden has been known for sharing interesting tidbits about a wide range of topics. I remember when he was about five or six years old, at breakfast, Hayden informed us, “Did you know girls pass more gas than boys? It’s a fact,” he said, laughing, and even citing the statistic’s source. I remember camping one time with him and I was enamored by a hummingbird that kept hovering over our site, and Hayden informed me, “Did you know that an NBA point guard when dribbling the ball with both hands as low to the ground as possible, can dribble faster than the wingbeat of a hummingbird?” No, I did not know that. 😊

Hayden, famous still for his hair. 😉

Another time, while hiking up a hill, with backpacks that were unreasonably big and heavy, I remarked how we were like ants, walking slowly under great loads on our back, and Hayden responded, “Actually if we were ants, our loads would be much heavier because ants can carry 10 times their body weight on their backs.” We then discussed how grateful we were that our loads were not 1,150 pounds and 1,350 pounds respectively. Hayden suggested how cool it would be if we had some ants around to carry our loads. We figured if we wanted a 70-pound load carried in for each of us, all it would require would be two 7-pound ants.

Most recently, after I returned home from the local greenhouse with a truck full of soil, some starter plants, packets of seeds, and some potatoes to plant, Hayden quipped, “It is good you will be planting some potatoes. Apparently they’re impossible to not successfully grow. They can grow on Mars.”

Hayden is a phenomenal critical thinker. We have always heard from his teachers that he is a great thinker and contributor in class discussions. And while Hayden doesn’t love reading, he is inspired when reading a thought-provoking book or story. (Crime and Punishment, etc.) He thinks of things that the rest of us overlook and I love hearing his thoughts during dinner conversations about various books he was required to read for AP Lit, or about current events he had to make arguments for or against in Government and other classes. When Hayden took Anatomy, he shared a lot with us at the dinner table about muscles and physiology, and I think his experience in that class largely inspired his interest in pursuing a future occupation in Physical Therapy. (I think if Hayden didn’t want to be a physical therapist, he would make a fantastic writer, attorney, or film critic, among many other career possibilities.)

Hayden is famous for taking polar plunges in any mountain lakes we hike by, camp by or drive by.

Hayden is principled and is an excellent leader. In addition to being a NOLS graduate, he was a leader for a youth nature camp, attended the Rotary Youth Leadership camp, was in the student council for 4 years, and has volunteered to help lead various youth events. He’s been a referee for youth basketball games, worked at a local physical therapy office, and mowed lawns and shoveled walks for many members of our community. He is also part of Interact, a youth club that volunteers on projects that benefit our community.

In 2016, I took Hayden on a Mother-Son Epic Backpacking adventure. During our 4 days in the wilderness together, we had a fantastic adventure and shared meaningful conversations that I will never forget.  

During that adventure, Hayden did a solitary climb of Mitchell Peak, and as he climbed the mountain, I sat on a rock and reflected on Hayden and on being his mother. While reflecting, I came up with these words to describe Hayden, using the letters of his name, and they still fit: H is for honorable (Hayden has always been principled, and inspired by men and women of honor), Amazing (he probably prefers the word awesome, but given the song, Amazing Grace, has such a place in his early life and our relationship, I am going with Amazing), Y for youthful (he’s great at getting down on the ground and playing with younger kids at their level), D is for Determined (once Hayden sets his mind to something, he pursues it with a dogged determination), E is for Eater (no explanation needed), and finally, N is for Night owl (poor Hayden, he’s a night owl in a family of early risers.)

We are so proud of Hayden for winning the prestigious Daniels Fund scholarship! He will be attending the University of Wyoming Honors College in the Fall, where he plans to major in kinesiology before eventually pursuing his doctorate in Physical Therapy. We are so excited for Hayden and his future! 

Nothing but blue skies ahead…

There is an essay called On Children, by Kahlil Gibran in his wonderful book The Prophet, which has been influential in my life. I turn to it often for wisdom and to find comfort.

ON CHILDREN, by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

As this milestone in Hayden’s life has approached, I have teetered between feeling nostalgic and feeling celebratory. Even though Hayden’s high school graduation is cause for an Epic celebration, I’m feeling emotional. I have had some (many) tears while reflecting on my Hayden while writing this blog post. Thankfully, I’ve determined that when I’m feeling sad, it’s about me, and when I’m feeling excited, it’s about Hayden.

I will miss seeing my Hayden every day and his presence in our home, and yet I’m so excited for him to find his own way and to soar. I’m working to be the (stable) bow from which Hayden is sent forth. Its bending is for gladness. He is going places!

Congratulations to my amazing “Hayday!” We are so proud of you. You are the best Hayden in the Universe, and I love you more than life itself! All my love, and more, Your “Mum”

For kicks, I took a photo of Hayden (almost) every school morning during his senior year. This is his 12th school year in 24 Seconds:

Hayden, with his brothers, and Buddy.

 

Hayden, with his goofball family, after an epic–and muddy–hike in Kauai during our 2019 Spring break.

Raising Our Wolf

May 17th, 2019

“And she loved a little boy very, very much—even more than she loved herself.” –Shel Silverstein

With my Wolf.

We are gearing up for a milestone event in our family. Our oldest son, Wolf, will graduate from high school on Sunday. It’s a first for us. (Our middle son, Hayden, will graduate next year, and our youngest son, Fin, will follow but not for some more years.)

How is it that our first son is graduating from high school? I know it’s a cliché, but it’s true. The “raising” of our children passes in a blink of an eye.  

For a while now, I have teetered between feeling nostalgic (what I call “happy-sad”) and feeling celebratory. I know I’m not unique in how I’m feeling. After all, a gazillion mothers have gone before me in this experience. Still, even though Wolf’s high school graduation is cause for an Epic celebration, I’m feeling a little emotional…

A couple of months ago, during a solitary hike when I was thinking ahead to this milestone, and while having some tears, I realized, When I’m feeling sad, it’s about me, and when I’m feeling excited, it’s about Wolf. This has been helpful for me to remember because while I surely deserve to have some feelings of tenderness right now, this was the plan all along. After all, I’m not raising babies. I’m raising adults. (I am borrowing this apt and wonderful quote from Michelle Obama’s memoir, Becoming.)

Of course, we raise our children so they can leave the nest and soar. We don’t raise them so they can remain dependent and never leave home. That would not be “raising” them.

One of my favorite, and most influential, books is The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran. I turn to its essays often, especially when in need of wisdom. And I always find it. One of my very favorites is the “On Children” essay. I love it so much that I memorized it last Summer, and have recited it to myself on many occasions, almost as a form of prayer and meditation:

“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

I so love, and trust, these words, even if their wisdom is difficult to implement!

I am grateful to both of my sisters, Alicia and Amber, and to my friends who have gone before me. They have offered wisdom and inspiration and are great examples of how to “do” this milestone event. And, I have coached several women as they were going through this stage. I have recalled, often, the coaching calls and meaningful conversations I’ve had with each of them. It was a tremendous honor for me to be in their corner during such a momentous time in their life, and their sharing about their personal experiences has informed, inspired and comforted me during this bittersweet and tender time. Thank you to all of these special women! I love all of you.

As Wolf’s graduation is now upon us, I would like to put down some words for how I’m feeling as I reflect on our Wolf. If you read on, I thank you for your time, and I promise I won’t be as long-winded as I usually am!

Our all-grown-up and handsome Wolf!

Our Wolf arrived into the world 5 weeks ahead of schedule. He weighed just five pounds and was in critical care for 13 days. Our adorable little baby boy lay there, covered in cords that connected him to various monitors, including oxygen. It was hard to not be worried about our son, what with all the monitors and cords, and our inability to hold him. We prayed–and worried–a lot, even though our neonatal nurse, Gail (an Angel!) assured us that Wolf didn’t have any serious problems. “He just needs a little extra support to develop fully,” she said.

My not being able to hold Wolf was devastating, but I tried to make up for it by constantly being at his side. I sang songs to him. Amazing Grace, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Row Row Row Your Boat, and even Kumbaya. We also read poetry to Wolf, mostly Robert Service poems and of course a little Mary Oliver, too.

Come to think of it, Wolf’s birth story is quite telling. Today, Wolf is a poet, and I can’t help but wonder if those early poetry readings had an influence. He’s always been an early riser and arrives everywhere ahead of schedule. And, if Wolf needs an excuse for his affectionate and positive nature, which he is loved for by many, and also sometimes teased lovingly about, I suppose he could trace it back to all the Kumbaya we sang to him at the start.

Wolf, in Hawaii, at age 4. (What the hat says!)

My favorite, most unforgettable moments from those initial days of Wolf’s life, and of my life as a Mother, were when Wolf would look up at me with his bright blue-grey eyes. It was such a deep and special kind of connecting that happened in those gazes. It was the mother-child connection that formed, and until then, I had never experienced anything like it. (There’s a quote I discovered on Mother’s Day a few years ago: “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” I couldn’t say it better.)

Wolf would grasp, tightly, my index finger with his tiny hand. He would do this for a long time, without letting go unless I un-grasped his tiny fingers so I could change positions or leave briefly to pump breast milk, use the restroom, or get something to eat.

When I recall those early days of his life, I can still feel him grasping and squeezing my index finger…

For almost two weeks, even though our nurse assured us Wolf was doing great and we could leave his side, to run errands, get a break or to spend a night at home, I seldom did. I never spent a night at home during those 13 days. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave his side. After so many months in the womb, my baby boy was finally here and I wanted only to be with him.

Carrying Wolf on my back in Zion National Park.

As Wolf grew up, he enjoyed spending time alone during which he would write and create stories and act out dramas and comedies with his various wild animal figurines or superheroes. He made sales pitches to us when he wanted something. He made fast friends wherever he went, and has always been thoughtful. For years now he has taken his camera and headed out on mini adventures to capture photos of interesting sights and his closest friends. He performed music and acted in made-up shows during camping trips and here at home, and he delivered presidential speeches to all of us on many occasions. He went on to be in Student Council for 8 years, including Student Body President his senior year and he’s a counselor for a summer leadership camp. Interestingly, these passions are all related to the path Wolf plans to forge. (He’ll attend the University of Wyoming this Fall to study marketing and creative writing, and he plans to continue his musical interests–songwriting and music production–on the side. He will study abroad during his sophomore or junior year. He is very excited, and we’re proud of him for earning significant scholarships.)

Wolf, indicating an early interest in deep thinking.

For as long as I remember, I have loved rising early to catch a sunrise, and I also love to watch a sunset. Over the years, Wolf has often accompanied me to chase a sunrise or chase a sunset.

Sunrise represents the start of something, a newness, a beginning. The sun arrives and greets us. It’s a time of hope and energy and possibility. It’s a time of anticipation and looking forward.

Sunset represents the passing of something, an ending of sorts. The sun leaves us, and in its place is night and darkness. The day is not new but rather expired. At least the day-blind stars become bright and are twinkling. For me, sunset is a time of looking back and reflecting on the day that is passing.

I suppose Wolf’s high school graduation is similar to a sunset. It’s the turning of a page. The end of a chapter. And, it’s a beautiful and spectacular thing to witness.

In recent weeks especially, I find myself hovering, trying to hold Wolf close, to “keep” him near. While I’m doing this and finding ways to “insert” myself into his life, Wolf is so ready to not be monitored and held.

I know it’s time to let go, but dang… 

I can feel Wolf not grasping my finger anymore.  He’s no longer in critical care despite the fact that the risks for him out in the big wide world are likely greater than they were when he was in the earliest days of his life.

In 2015, I took Wolf on a Mother-Son Epic Backpacking adventure where we spent 4 days in the wilderness together, just my oldest son and I. We had a great adventure and meaningful conversations I will never forget. (I took Hayden in 2016, and I will do the same for Fin the summer before he starts high school).

During our mother-son expedition, Wolf climbed Mitchell Peak all by himself. During his mountain climb, I sat on a rock and reflected on my oldest son and on being a mother. While reflecting, I came up with these words to describe Wolf using the letters of his name, and they still fit: Wolf: Wise, Original, Leader, and Fun/Funny.

I saved our deepest talk for Deep Lake, a favorite destination of mine. It was our last day of the expedition and I asked Wolf if we could make a simple promise to one another. He agreed and here’s what we came up with:

Me/”Mooma”: “I promise I will trust you if you promise me you won’t get too close to the edge.”

Wolf: “I promise not to get too close to the edge if you trust me.”

I have tried to remember these promises during Wolf’s last year of high school. It is hard to let go and trust when it comes to our loved ones, but having these promises we made to each other to remember has helped.

As Wolf gets ready to “launch,” I will be working hard to keep my promise and I hope that he will keep his. I say this knowing also that we’re human and we are likely to falter from time to time.

I’m reminded of the quote: “Prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child.” I hope we have prepared Wolf for the road. I can’t wait to see what Wolf makes of his life, and am so blessed to have him for a son.

Now it’s time to celebrate, and we are going to celebrate hard! 🙂

Congratulations to my dear “Wolfie!” We are so proud of you. You are the best Wolf in the Universe, and I love you more than life itself! All my love, and more, Your “Mooma”

A quote Wolf loves, and that perfectly captures Wolf’s current perspective.

For kicks, I took a photo of Wolf (almost) every school morning during his senior year. This is his 12th school year in 12 seconds:

Wolf, with his “Pack.”