What Happens When You Need You?
July 21st, 2012
I have clients — and friends — who often are overextended. They find it difficult to say no. I’m no different. I also have this problem.
Most of the time we find ourselves overextended and saying yes too often because others need us, or can benefit by what we have to contribute so we say yes so we can be of assistance, or to avoid the guilt we conjure up if we were to say no. We’re “pulled” into things by our desire to help and to make a difference in some way.
Eventually this takes a toll. At some point, you need you, as much or more, than all those other people and things need you. What then?
Imagine this scenario — we’ve all probably been there: At the grocery store, a woman has a cart full of groceries. Several other shoppers are gathering in line who have fewer items. (Unfortunately the “fewer than 15 items” aisle is closed)
One woman approaches and gets in line behind her who has only a gallon of milk and a box of fudgesicles in her arms. The woman with the full cart offers, “Go ahead; you have only two items.”
Next, a man appears and he has just a candybar. She lets him go ahead, too. Then, a woman with three items. Same thing. This happens several more times, when finally there is a break in the action as far as people with fewer groceries approaching goes and the woman with the full cart is able to pay for her things and be on her way.
Her generosity and putting others first costs her time. Is it worth it? Probably. After all, it felt good, and right, for her to be generous to others. She valued their time by letting them go ahead rather than have them endure the time it would take to ring up her full cart. The time it took for the five people she let go ahead probably exceeded the amount of time it took to ring up her full cart when it was all over. Maybe she’s very generous and didn’t have much planned for the day so all this doesn’t phase her. Then again, maybe it took time that she didn’t have to give.
Another example of this was on a flight I took to San Francisco last March. A man with two children boarded and their assigned seats were not together. A twenty-something woman traveling alone offered to give up her seat so the man could be seated with his small children, and moved about 5 rows back to take his assigned seat. Soon after, a woman and her daughter appear and her daughter’s assigned seat is next to the aforementioned woman’s “new” seat. Again, the twenty-something woman offers it up so the mother can sit by her daughter, and moves back another 3 rows to take the mother’s assigned seat.
You can see where this is going, right? Unbelievably, this happened one more time and the twenty-something woman moved farther back, this time ending up in a seat next to me.
I was struck by her generosity. This woman is my hero, I thought to myself. But by the time she moved a third time and ended up by me, she was worn out, and a little frustrated — not to mention her seat was so far in the back that it would take her much longer to get out of the plane when it landed. Was her generosity worth it? Probably. And yet, what if her next connection is so tight that taking five more minutes to get off the plane means she’ll miss her flight?
Another example might be the executive who works 80 hours a week and his/her health begins to fail. As a result of the work load, he/she has high blood pressure, poor eating habits and doesn’t get adequate rest. Add to that he/she has no time to spare for his/her family, or for his/her passions. His/her company is thriving; his/her life is not.
I’m not arguing against generosity. I encourage it. What I’m suggesting is that from time to time, we might be generous to ourselves, and say no to something or someone in the interest of saying yes to ourselves.
- Categories: Life and Leadership, Travel
- Tags: generosity, giving, needed, saying no, selflessness
- Comments: 1 Comment
