I just returned from giving a keynote presentation at a Wellness conference, so wellness is on my mind more than usual. In addition to being a life, leadership, health and wellness coach, I’m a health enthusiast. Some would even call me a health nut. I track food intake, steps, sleep, and heart rate variability, among other things.
I am excited to report that my family is on board with me for embarking on a 7-day challenge that starts tomorrow (June 4) and will last for a week. We’re giving up a lot in the interest of deepening our connections, being more active and mobile, being less distracted and more in tune with each other and our surroundings, and in reaping the benefits of feeding our bodies healthy foods.
We are giving up all television, movies, video games, social networking. We’re giving up cars and transportation, with 3 very limited exceptions (see below image of our family’s signed “contract” for details), and we’re giving up processed foods. We’ll shop only the perimeter of the grocery market to ensure we’re buying and consuming healthy, real foods. We’ll walk and bike everywhere. We’ll spend our free time together biking, hiking, fishing, walking, playing board games and visiting our community’s playgrounds.
Disclaimer: As a matter of fact, we are already an extremely active family, and we’re quite health-conscious. We hike and play outside a lot, and from Monday through Thursday there are no processed foods consumed at our house, and we watch no television or video games from Monday through Thursday. We made all of these changes about 12 months ago. But there is more we can do. We often drive places that are only blocks away. The wheels come off to an unhealthy extent when it comes to “treats” and foods the kids eat on weekends, and we’re all a little too distracted by our screens. So there is much room for improvement, and this challenge will not be easy.
Here is a video that includes bits from me, my husband, and each of our three sons, as we get ready to embark on this 7-day Epic Health Challenge:
Our family’s signed “contract:”
In addition to being a health enthusiast, I’m a voracious reader. Many of the books and articles I read are related to health and wellness. I am very much inspired by Dan Buettner’s Blue Zones work and research. In fact, I highly recommend his latest book, The Blue Zones Solution, Eating and Living Like the World’s Healthiest People. The Blue Zones are the five places in the world where people live the longest, with the least disease and the most vitality. In researching these areas, and in interviewing centenarians, Buettner and his team of experts came up with 9 common denominators – otherwise known as “The Power 9” – that are common in areas where people live the longest, healthiest lives.
The Power 9 are: Move naturally (live in or set up an environment that nudges you to move naturally throughout the day) Purpose (people in the Blue Zones have something to live for beyond their work), Downshift (do things to remove/release stress), 80 percent rule (eat ’til you’re 80% full), Plant Slant (eat mostly plant foods), Wine @ 5 (people in the Blue Zones often drink wine in late afternoon), Right Tribe (the world’s longest-lived people choose social circles with healthy behaviors), Community (research shows that faith-based services are a common facet in Blue Zones communities), and Loved Ones First (successful centenarians put their families first.)
This 7-day Epic Health Challenge we’re embarking upon aims to bring some of the Blue Zones ways to the Johnson household. I will be blogging here about the experiment once it ends, and also for a blog at Barlean’s. I hope you’ll check back to see what we learned from the experiment!
As usual, thank you for your time, and for reading this. I really appreciate it.
Last Monday night, we received the devastating news that Jerry’s dad was not feeling well, and tests indicated his body is full of cancer. The next morning, Jerry got on a plane and has been with him ever since.
Jerry, with his brothers and sisters, and Dad.
It was soon after I met Jerry, late in 1990, that it was obvious to me that his Dad was a hero to him. And, as soon as I met and got to know Harlan, I could see why. Harlan is one of the most generous and noble men I know. I often thank him, in my mind and heart, for the man he raised in Jerry. I have been married to Jerry going on 23 years, and he is my best half. He is the best husband I could ever dream of having, and he’s the most wonderful father to our three sons. While Jerry obviously deserves so much credit for his wonderfulness, there is no doubt that the way his dad raised him has a lot to do with the man I have for a partner and who is the amazing father of our three wonderful sons.
Not knowing how much time we have left with Harlan (he is in hospice care and the cancer is aggressive), I wanted to thank Harlan for Jerry, and for being such a kind, generous and amazing father-in-law to me, Dad to Jerry, and “Pa-Grandpa” to our three sons.
I called Jerry Tuesday night and after talking to him, I got the chance to talk to Harlan and thank him and tell him I love him. It was painful and hard. And it was wonderful that I got to do so.
Our sons, sending a message in real time to their Pa-Grandpa.
I have been talking to Jerry daily, sometimes twice daily for updates and to see how his Dad, and he, and his siblings, are all holding up. Jerry shared that thanks to technology, his dad was able to Facetime with his only brother, Gilbert, back in Omaha. That conversation was heartbreaking – and special and important.
From Omaha, Harlan “winters” in San Diego, with Jerry’s sister, Lisa, and her family. Harlan is a “worker” so while in California during the winter and early spring, he spends his days outside working on projects and putzing around. Because he is not able to do that now, Jerry said that Thursday they moved his dad outside in his wheelchair so Harlan could “supervise” and Jerry and his brothers and sisters could do the work their dad would normally enjoy doing. Afterward, the boys and their dad “passed out” in their respective recliners and proceeded to snore in unison. Another evening, Jerry texted me a photo of he and his Dad drinking beers together.
Jerry and his Dad, drinking beers last night.
Jerry said his dad’s cousin, Betty, stopped by for a visit. They hadn’t seen or talked to each other for a long time. The two reminisced, and Jerry heard stories about his Dad, and his Dad’s youth, that he had never heard before.
When someone we love falls ill, or approaches the end of his or her life, it sure puts things in perspective real quick, doesn’t it? Suddenly, we are absolutely certain of who and what are important.
By the way, during our spring break, we visited Jerry’s Dad – just 3 weeks ago – and all was well. At least we thought it was. Now, especially, we are so very grateful for having made that trip.
We spent a few days of our recent Spring Break in the San Diego area so we could visit Jerry's sister, Lisa, and her family – and to get some time with Jerry's dad, who winters there. We are extra glad that we did that!
Some of my favorite memories of Harlan are the trips he’d make to visit us in Wyoming. We’d take him into our mountains, and we’d fish with him. He, and his brother, our “Uncle Gilbert,” built a treehouse for the boys, and made furniture for us. We also love our annual trips to Omaha because we get to go fishing with him, eat carp with him at Joe Tess’s, go to the Henry Doorly Zoo with he and Gilbert, and other family members. I will also always remember fondly the simple pleasure of sitting with him on the patio in his big and wonderful back yard, under the big trees he takes such good care of, and our boys, and their cousins playing yard games and swinging on his famous tire swing.
You know, for a long time now, I’ve been fascinated by what people who are approaching the end of their life have to say, and to teach us. Near the end of their life, they are in a unique position, and I would guess they place a higher value on each of their days than the rest of us do. In my research, these people always – 100% of the time – reflect most fondly on the people in their lives, on their family and friends. They don’t wish they would have worked harder, and most of their time is not spent reflecting on their work or accomplishments, but rather on their people, and the memories they have shared with them.
While I’m heartbroken for Harlan, and for my husband, and his siblings, and for all of us who love Harlan, I can’t help but be grateful that Jerry, and his siblings, and all of us who love him, have the opportunity to say what we want to say to such a wonderful and generous man. I love you so much, Harlan! And, I thank you! Your wonderful ways continue to live on and be of great influence to, and in, my husband. I see you in Jerry on a daily basis. The way Jerry starts each morning watching and reading the news, the way he makes pancakes for the boys on Saturday morning, the way he can fix things, his work ethic, integrity, loyalty and bravery, and his level of respect for others – and the list goes on.
Jerry, his Dad, and our boys, on the Loop Road about five years ago.
Two years ago, I read the book, Chasing Daylight: How My Forthcoming Death Transformed My Life. It had a profound effect on me. The author, Eugene O’Kelly, had learned he had terminal brain cancer, and he wrote about his journey from diagnosis to the day he passed and couldn’t write anymore. One of the things that struck me most was his “unwinding” of relationships while he was still alive. He would thank people who meant a lot to him, and he would reflect on shared memories with them. I remember then thinking that it would be good for all of us – not only those with a terminal illness diagnosis, but those of us who are living as if not terminal – to be more conscious about our relationships and the people in our life.
The devastating and heartbreaking call we received last Monday has reinforced my belief that we should not wait to say what we want to say to those who mean so much to us, regardless of the circumstances. We ought to get right on that. Right now. What are we waiting for? We may not get a call.
For now, I hope we get some more Skype calls with Harlan… but just in case we don’t, I say this to him: I love you Harlan Johnson. I will forever be grateful to you, and I – and we – will try to honor you every day. I will remember you for your love of family, your adventurous spirit, your honor, integrity, generosity and humility. I will also continue to love and take care of the wonderful man you raised in Jerry!
Think of the people you love the most. If you could say one last goodbye to them, what would you say? And, when will you say it?…
Another question to ponder, that is worth any amount of time, is are there people you want, or need, to make more room for in your life? And if so, what are you waiting for?
About three weeks ago, I was driving my Prius to a trailhead about 10 miles from town when the “maintenance required” alert came on. It’s still on because I still haven’t taken the car in for its service, or to have it looked at for anything that may need repaired.
Howdy.
Seeing this alert always reminds me of what it feels like when I’m not honoring a value, or when I’m ignoring or avoiding something or someone yearning for my attention.
In my work with others, and in my own life, I emphasize and value the importance of having clarity about who and what are most important, and knowing what our values are. Having this awareness is critical to our well being. The more self awareness and clarity we have, the more we feel it when we ignore these people or things that matter so much to us, or when we fail to honor our values. It’s as if our own “service engine soon”, or “maintenance required” alert comes on.
Is this happening for you right now?
I’m not talking about feelings of guilt, necessarily, but those can also provide constructive signals. I view feelings of guilt as being those twinges (or feelings similar to heavy bricks weighting us down) that we experience when we’re not delivering on others’ expectations of us. Guilt, by the way, isn’t always a negative thing, despite the inconvenience it often causes us.
Brené Brown said it best in a post called Shame v. Guilt: I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful – it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.
I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.
I have grown to sense when I’m not fulfilling a value or relationship in the way I would like to. Some examples: I want to have meaningful connections with each of my three sons on a regular basis – several times each day. I want the same with my husband. I want to carve out time to spend with my mom and my dad, my closest friends, and so on. When I’m not honoring any of these wishes, I sense it. It’s like a signal or an alert. Sometimes it can be many signals going off at once. Usually, for me, these “signals” come in the form of waking in the night and realizing what is out of check.
Another example is writing. I want to write more frequently. This is an important goal of mine. And yet I haven’t been honoring it. (My last post here was March 16!)
Like the “maintenance required” alert that is currently on (and has been for 3 weeks!), when I drive my Prius, when we ignore or fail to honor a relationship or value that’s important to us, we can probably continue to ignore it for a while without major consequence. But sooner or later, if it goes unchecked, it’s also possible that we’ll find ourselves a little (or a lot) broken down on the side of the road.
Thankfully, tending to our people, values and goals – our best, most Epic life – is something we have control over.
I dare you to take a minute – or 5 minutes – right now. Reflect on signals you’re receiving/feeling but ignoring. Address one or more of them TODAY. I think that you’ll find that your life will almost suddenly feel more at ease. You will immediately be happier.
As for me, I wrote this post. I’m also going to reach out to some people I haven’t been making a high enough priority. And, I think I’ll schedule an appointment for my Prius this week – if for no other reason than to get the alert to go away. 🙂
Thank you so much for reading. I would love to hear from you. Please feel free to share about your own “alerts” or anything you’d like to contribute to this topic and post.
We have three sons. Our oldest, Wolf, 14, is a budding writer. He’s working on his second book and really wants to have it be published. Recently, when our family shared our new year’s resolutions and discussed our family’s goals for 2015, Wolf shared he wants to write more this year.
I’ve also been yearning to do more writing. When we had our first company, I wrote about 100,000 words of copy every year for YellowstonePark.com, Yellowstone Journal, and 99 Things to Do in Yellowstone Country. When we sold the company to Active Interest Media, and I began my personal and professional reinventions, I wrote 200+ blog posts on HaveMediaWillTravel.com. That was between 2009-2013. If you visit my HaveMediaWillTravel blog, you’ll see my last blog was in – gasp – November of 2013.
I have resolved that in 2015, I will write more. I will publish more blog posts here, and I will also return to adventure and travel writing on my HaveMediaWillTravel blog.
About a week ago, Wolf was saying, given his goal to be a writer and to finish his book, he was really disappointed in himself for not writing more. I shared that I was struggling on the same front. I referenced “The Resistance” that Steven Pressfield writes about in The War of Art. I shared the excerpt about procrastination: “Procrastination is the most common manifestation of Resistance because it’s the easiest to rationalize. We don’t tell ourselves, ‘I’m never going to write my symphony.’ Instead we say, ‘I’m going to write my symphony; I’m just going to start it tomorrow.'”
I’m big on intentions and commitments. As a life and leadership coach, I’m always challenging my clients to develop rituals. If we want to be in the best shape of our life, we have to eat the right foods and move our bodies on a regular basis. If we want to be writers, we need to write on a regular basis. If we want to be mindful, we need to practice meditation or mindfulness on a regular basis. These all need to be practices – rituals – if we are to take our goals seriously.
I suggested to Wolf that we pull a card from Reverse Charades (a game our family occasionally plays) and we’ll write for 15 minutes about that topic. (I’m not sure Wolf is on board or not, but I’m guessing he will be – especially if there is extra popcorn or hot chocolate involved.)
The card I drew is bald eagle.
The card I drew for this week's writing topic.
When I drew the card, many memories of bald eagle sightings came to the surface of my recall. But one stands out more than the others.
In 1992, newly married to my awesome husband, Jerry, I was finishing my second year as an advertising consultant at the Missoulian daily newspaper. It was my first career job after graduating from the University of Montana Journalism school and it was a good one! But I was growing a little bored with sales and eager to cut my teeth on the other aspects of publishing.
At the time, my parents were owners or part owners of several community newspapers, including the Winner Advocate in Winner, South Dakota. At that time the newspaper was struggling. If Jerry and I wanted to make a go at it as publishers, the opportunity was ours. (Come to think of it, I have got to be one of the only persons in the world who had a great job in Missoula who chose to move out of Missoula?)
I remember my mom trying to talk us out of it. She knew how much I loved Missoula, and Winner is a lot different from Missoula. But we had made up our mind. Jerry, who’s a teacher, (in his 20th year of teaching), at the time was also eager to try his hand at operating a business.
We moved on Christmas day of 1992. It was the worst Christmas ever! I was throwing up-sick, and literally having to pull our uHaul over every 30 minutes to “get sick.”
As we left the mountains and foothills of Missoula, about 15 miles out of town, a bald eagle swooped down and flew parallel to us. It was a spectacular and unforgettable sight as the eagle stayed with us for what was a significant amount of time.
Bald eagle in flight. (Carole Robertson photo)
Seeing the eagle was a highlight of an otherwise challenging trip, what we me being so sick, and then driving in white out blizzard conditions for much of the way, and I was, as I mentioned, quite ill.
But, after 14 hours, we were finally approaching what would be our new home base, Winner. As we entered the area, a pheasant swooped in front of us.
Pheasant. (Photo by Tom Koerner/USFWS)
It was then that we realized we had traded eagles for pheasants. (There are eagles near Winner, but there are more pheasants. Winner is known for being “the pheasant hunting capital of the world.”) And, for the record, pheasants are also amazing birds. I guess I say we traded eagles for pheasants to say that, at least in our case, we traded a wonderful experience for a learning experience.
We lived in Winner for almost 2 years. It was a challenging experience and I missed the mountains, but the people were wonderful, and it was one of the greatest learning experiences I’ve ever had. Jerry and I both agree that while we wouldn’t want to do it again, we wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I’m curious: What memory or story do you think of when you think of a bald eagle? Or, when was a time when you consciously traded a preferred experience for a challenging one?
You have an Epic Life. The question is, are you living it?
We have a golden retriever named Buddy. He is such an awesome dog. He is our constant companion and a vital member of our family.
My Buddy – lying around and waiting...
Do you have a dog? If so, what is he/she doing right now? I know – what an odd question for a blog on this site. But stay with me, I’m getting to the point, and it’s a good one…
I live in Wyoming, in a small mountain town, and we get out a lot. (Our family’s rule is “if our fingernails aren’t dirty, we aren’t having fun.”) This is all to say that Buddy gets out. A. Lot.
But lately I’ve been so busy at my computer and on the phone developing my business and trying to book more clients and work, that days have gone by where Buddy doesn’t get out. When this happens, Buddy’s life is pretty mediocre. Sure, I keep him company. We’re home all day together as I work. I have great intentions… But mostly – and I’m very sad to admit this – Buddy is not paid enough attention when I’m consumed by my work.
So, Buddy moves around from couch to recliner to the floor, just laying there, waiting, and hoping that his master will get her hiking shoes on and motion for him to leave the house to go out and… live.
Seeing Buddy lay there, waiting to be tended to and played with, reminds me of my Epic Life – the times when it’s with me, but I’m not living it. I hope you’re doing better than I am this week! I resolve to do better by Buddy (and my epic life) next week…
Thank you for listening. I would love to hear your thoughts and get some comments and conversation going about this. 🙂
P.S. If you’re interested in life and leadership coaching, a keynote presenter to light a fire for your team or organization, leadership development facilitation, or a guided Epic adventure that’s bundled with life coaching and a training program that will get you in the best shape of your life, please check out this brochure or email me to schedule a call.
What is something that you are wanting or needing to do, but you’re not doing it because it’s hard? You are afraid. Afraid you will fail. Afraid you will disappoint yourself, or others. Afraid you’ll look like a fool. Afraid it’s not a good idea. Afraid (insert your reason or fear here).
Name it. Then, do it. TODAY. I dare you… I would love for you to comment on what it is you’re going to finally do, and report back here so we know you did it. And I thank you in advance for doing so. The rest of us will learn from, and be inspired, by you.
I would never ask you to do anything I am not willing to do. So I’m going to do it too. For the record, I’m going to give up my cell phone on the weekends for 30 days. Specifically, I’m going to turn off my cell phone at 6pm on Friday evenings, and not turn it back on until 8am on Mondays. I’ll do this for the next 4 weekends. It’s a start. This is hard because I value connectivity and do quite a bit of sharing via the device that is my cell phone. In other words, I use it for good, and I am effective at not letting it suck my time. However, what I do allow it to do is distract me. It divides my attention.
When one of my sons is talking to me and I’m taking a photo or reading Brain Pickings on my phone in the morning, my multitasked attention bothers me. I’m tired of my attention being divided, and am grateful that I’m at choice about doing something about it!
Clay Shirky, author of Cognitive Surplus, and Here Comes Everybody, and professor of new media at NYU, says when he asks students to turn off their cell phones during class, “it’s as if someone has let fresh air into the room. The conversation brightens.” (See this article –– it’s a fascinating and worthwhile read for anyone looking to be more present in this time of technology-enabled multitasking.)
I want to move toward undivided attention, and this is how I will start to accomplish it. I encourage you to hold me accountable. (Just please don’t “patrol” me – simply support me. I will do the same for you)
“In Silence there is eloquence. Stop weaving and see how the pattern improves.” ― Rumi
I am not a very still person. Add to that, I tend to be future-minded. I’m often not fully in the present moment because I am lost in thought — usually about ideas, motivations, dreams — you know, possibilities. It is not a bad place to be. After all, dreams tend to be exciting.
But I value the present. Time is one of my greatest values. I want to fully experience the time I have with my husband of 20 years, and our three young sons, my parents and grandmother and sisters and brother, my friends, colleagues and clients. It is why I live on purpose and encourage my clients to say no to things that suck the life out of them, and yes to things that give them life. Living our epic life means making each day count and living more consciously. Living our epic life means daring to choose how we’ll experience (rather than spend) our time.
I know we are human beings, but most times I would be best be described as a human doing. I want to be more of a human being.
In an effort to start each day in a more reflective, “being” state, I talked Jerry and the boys into doing Deepak Chopra’s Soul of Healing Affirmations every morning. Since Jan. 1, we’ve been doing this every single weekday morning before we each head out the door to school or work. Since our first son was born, almost 13 years, ago, we started a tradition of doing a brief “family prayer” to start each school/work day. This is a homemade prayer that is filled with mostly gratitudes. Nothing fancy, and it doesn’t take much time. Now, we’ve simply added one of the aforementioned affirmations/meditations to it. It has been an amazing experience, so I wanted to share about it in case you want to try it for yourself or your family.
For starters, these affirmations are short. Each track ranges from 1-4 minutes. So it’s not really a good excuse to say you don’t have time. 🙂
There are 26 tracks, and you can get them for for free on Spotify, which is how we stream/listen to it each morning. Each of the affirmation titles start with a letter of the alphabet, from A to Z. They are Acceptance, Bonding, Compassion, Divinity in Me, Empowerment, Fear, Giving, Higher Self, Intention, and so on, until you get to Z, which is for Zero.
Our sons are ages (almost) 13, 11 and (almost) 6. Except for Wolf, the oldest, the boys were not super excited about adding these meditations to their morning. But over time, it’s been a great experience.
We follow up each day’s affirmation by (usually me) asking, while around the table at dinner time, if anyone thought or incorporated anything from the morning’s affirmation into their day. There are lots of days when most of us have done so. This can only be a good thing, as the affirmations teach us to be patient and compassionate toward self, and others.
Finally, don’t take my word for it that mindfulness has tremendous value. Neuroscience is now supporting long-time Wisdom teachings — that practicing mindfulness, which Jon Kabat-Zinn describes as paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally, on a regular basis teaches us to be able to choose how to direct our attention. Instead of reacting we can create a pause to notice, and then determine if we want to engage a thought or emotion. Kelly McGonigal’s Neuroscience of Change, A Compassion-Based Program for Personal Transformation, is a great source for anyone interested in learning more about the science behind the mind. McGonigal is a health psychologist and lecturer at Stanford, and a yoga teacher and author of the aforementioned book, as well as The Willpower Instinct.
Many corporations and organizations are implementing mindfulness practices into their work, including Google (with their popular, fast-growing model called Search Inside Yourself program), as well as apps such as Headspace, which is a simple and awesome app for your smartphone that guides you through 10 minutes of mindfulness (doing nothing), and HeartMath’s app called GPS For Your Soul, which is endorsed by Arianna Huffington, and is an awesome app that measures your stress levels and then provides guides, which can be borrowed or created, to help you relieve high stress right when you need it.
I have been attending more funerals these days. I attended the funeral for a friend’s mother last week, and this week I’ll attend the funeral of a former high school classmate.
Howdy.
Whenever I hear of someone’s passing, or attend a funeral, I experience sorrow and compassion. But immediately following these emotions, something happens to me.
If you could do me a favor, think for a moment about the last time you attended a funeral or learned of someone’s passing. After the sorrow, what comes up for you?
For me, I experience this sudden urgency about my own life. I reflect on the people in my life, the work I’m doing, how I’m spending my time, and so on. I start making promises and deals with myself. Examples include: I’m going to be more present in my children’s lives. I’m going to listen more to them and play more with them. I’m going to tell Jerry more often how much I truly love him. I’m going to spend more time with my parents and my other family members. I am going to thank all of those who have made a difference in my life. I am going to be a better friend. I’m going to tell people how much I like, love and appreciate them. I’m not going to take this day for granted. I’m going to do this thing, or that. And so on.
I’m inspired, and the deals are made.
But then soon after, the awareness and urgency wears off.
My mission at Epic Life is to help others live as if they’re dying — to make each day count, and to “take stock” frequently. Because, while it’s a cliche, it’s also a fact: we have just this one life. None of knows for certain we will have tomorrow. This bothers me because I love my life and if I live another 40 years it won’t be enough.
I’m not afraid to die. It’s just that I love living and have a lot of living still to do.
What if we could live more often in the awareness and urgency that I describe above? I think it would be an amazing gift to do so.
I recently read 30 Lessons For Living, by Karl Pillemer, a professor in human development and gerontology at Cornell University — and director of Cornell’s Legacy Project. One of the chapters I refer to often is about how to live a regret-free life. Pillemer’s advice, collected from more than 1,000 people who are over the age of 65, includes: 1) Always be honest; 2) Say Yes to opportunities; 3) Travel more; 4) Choose a mate with extreme care; and 5) Say it now.
I like #5, in particular, because I think it’s common for many of us to procrastinate about the things we really want, and need, to say.
Another inspirational source that I watch once a month is Ric Elias’ 6-minute Ted Talk about when his plane was going down. In the video, Elias shares what he learned when he thought he was about to die. It’s great stuff from someone who fortunately lived through the experience. May his words inspire the rest of us.
What are the promises you want to make, and honor?
All three of our sons have us mostly laughing or thinking. The boys often lead our family in this game they call “Would you rather…?”
Because they’re young boys (ages 12, 10 and five), this game usually goes something like this: “Would you rather eat a fresh cow eyeball, the middle of a warm rattlesnake or the back half of a dead mouse?” It’s gross and funny — and entertaining.
Last Friday, on the way to school, Finis (Fin), our 5-year-old son, took a more serious stand, when he asked the question that is the topic of this blog post: “Would you rather have your life, or the life of someone else?”
I am thankful that each of our boys responded that they would prefer to have their own life. The question provided quite an interesting conversation over dinner that evening, and provided a good teaching moment for their parents.
It is a good question, though, right? Because although we have the freedom and ability to design and create the life we want, it is easy to sometimes get sucked into making choices and experiencing a life that is largely based on what others will think, or expect us to do. The result can be that for a day, several days, weeks, months, or even years at a time, we live a life that meets everyone’s expectations but our own.
About a month ago, our 5-year-old son, Fin, asked me: “When a man is old, is that his last age?”
His question was so profound I didn’t immediately know how to answer it.
Of course all of our lives are of different lengths. Unfortunately, I’ve lost friends and loved ones of all ages.
Howdy.
I love books. I read and read and read. Lately, my favorite author is Cheryl Strayed, author of one of my now-all-time favorite books, Wild. Strayed is a wonderful writer, and I feel a kinship to her when reading her words and experiences.
Recently, I finished (more like devoured!) her latest book, Tiny Beautiful Things. In a chapter called “The Obliterated Place,” a 58-year-old man writes to Strayed (“Sugar”) about the loss of his 22-year-old son, his only child, who was killed four years earlier by a drunk driver. He asks how to go on, and how to be human again.
In her response to the man, Strayed (“Sugar”) mentions a remark her own young son made that is, coincidentally, similar to the aforementioned question Fin asked me. (“We don’t know how many years we have for our lives…”)
Strayed, when she was just 22, lost her mother. She writes how deeply sorry she is for the man’s loss, and among other things, writes: “It has been healing to me to accept in a very simple way that my mother’s life was forty-five years long, that there was nothing beyond that. There was only my expectation that there would be — my mother at eighty-nine, my mother at sixty-three, my mother at forty-six. Those things don’t exist. They never did.”
“Sugar” continues by encouraging the man to think: “My son’s life was twenty-two years long… There is no twenty-three.”
The words and sharing, both the man’s letter, and Strayed’s (Sugar’s) response, are poignant. Reading it broke me open, and has caused me to think, often, of Strayed’s wisdom reminding us that any thought we have about the length of our lives is an expectation, not a certainty.
So, to the point of this blog post… Imagine, for a moment, that your life has only one more year in it.
What changes would you make? Who would you choose to experience your time with? How would you be? What would you say?
