Almost 10 years ago to the day, in 2009, despite so many blessings in my life, I found myself in a major slump. I was 40 years old, 35 pounds overweight, sedentary, not eating a healthy diet, drinking wine on too many weeknights, addicted to distractions (email and my cell phone), and add to that, I was depressed.
Hi there!
I knew the work would be very hard, but I felt desperate and determined. I resolved that the new year would be a year of reinvention.
During that year, I would wake up at 4 a.m. to go to the gym to work out. I remember people would often ask me, “How do you get up at 4 a.m. to work out?” And while I appreciated that people were curious, I always thought the question was peculiar because, for me, it was simple: “Well, I set the alarm for 4 a.m., and then when the alarm goes off, I get up and work out.”
But I think what people were really asking me was how did I have the discipline to get up that early to work out?
The answer was something to the effect of “I want to be fit and healthy, and with three kids, and a full life, 4 a.m. is a time that is all mine. No one needs me or misses me at 4 a.m.” It also helped that I have always been a morning person, and despite my state of health at that time, I knew from years of earlier experience that I was more likely to work out if I did it early in the day and not later. But these comprised only part of the answer.
During my reinvention, I spent a lot of time alone, on walks, imagining who I wanted to become–imagining a “reinvented” version of myself. After a lot of thinking about this, I got clear about the kind of person I wanted to be, and I determined that, among other things, I wanted to be not only a fit and healthy person, but a disciplined person.
I have always respected people who are disciplined, and I wanted to be one of them. So when my alarm clock would go off at 4 a.m., I wasn’t exuberant, but I did resist hitting the snooze button. Because a disciplined person doesn’t hit the snooze button on an alarm she herself set. A disciplined person does what she says she’s going to do.
A terrific podcast episode–one of my very favorite out of hundreds–is Radiolab’s Help! I share this podcast with anyone I know who’s trying to create new habits or break old ones. Even though it was originally recorded in early 2011, the conversations in it are timeless, fascinating and inspiring. (I continue to use some of the commitment strategies discussed in the podcast, including–for particularly hard habits I’m trying to start or break–the “Ulysses Pact.”)
I mention the podcast episode here because there’s a segment in it called “You Vs. You” that is fascinating, and will resonate for anyone working to make a change. It highlights what a battle it can be for us when we’re trying to break a habit or create a new one.
During my reinvention, it was my best, most inspired Self that set the alarm for 4 a.m. The one who wanted to work out, and the one who wanted to be disciplined, set the alarm. But when morning came and the alarm went off, for a moment or so, my present self at that time would argue for sleep and for pushing the snooze button. I remember the voices in my head, the battle between my two minds: The voice of the waking version of myself would exclaim, “Whose idea was this? For crying out loud, it’s practically the middle of the night. Just work out later today.” The voice of my best Self, however, would argue: “This alarm clock didn’t set itself!? What would a disciplined person do?” And then I’d get out of bed, and go work out.
I’m a voracious reader, and I’ve read too many books to count about habits and goals, how to change, and how to create and live a meaningful life. There is only a handful of them that I would highly recommend. (Email me if you’d like me to share those with you.)
Clear, considered one of the world’s leading experts on habit formation,draws on previous research, but adds his own structure and provides us with a proven framework for creating tiny behaviors that result in good habits that last. In this post, I’m going to reference just a small sampling of the insights Clear shares in his book. But trust me, you will want to own this book. It’s not a quick read because its content is substantive and substantial. I’ve highlighted and dog-eared many of its pages, and I know I will be returning to it often.
Clear suggests that habits accumulate, and collectively, they cast “votes” for us. These votes have the power to reshape our identity, and as a result, help us to become the person we want to be.
“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity,” he explains.
In a podcast conversation with the inspiring Rich Roll, Clear explains: “Every morning that you make your bed, you embody the identity of an organized person, someone who’s clean. Every time you go to the gym, you embody the identity of someone who’s fit. Every time you sit down to write a sentence or a page, you embody the identity of someone who’s a writer.”
I love this language. In Clear I have found someone who can articulate a system similar to the one that has worked for me, and many of the people I have coached, or am coaching.
“The more pride you have in a particular aspect of your identity, the more motivated you will be to maintain the habits associated with it,” explains Clear.
From 2009-2010, I accomplished all of my weight loss and fitness goals, and it was in no small part because I wanted to be a disciplined person, which meant acting like (embodying) one. All of those times I resisted the snooze button and got up at 4 a.m. to work out was my casting votes for a disciplined person who valued her health. (I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve been a disciplined person ever since–proof that habits/”votes” can transform you into a different kind of person.)
“If you’re proud of how your hair looks, you’ll develop all sorts of habits to care for and maintain it,” says Clear. “If you’re proud of the size of your biceps, you’ll make sure you never skip an upper-body workout. If you’re proud of the scarves you knit, you’ll be more likely to spend hours knitting each week. Once your pride gets involved, you’ll fight tooth and nail to maintain your habits.”
I do a lot of things for work. One of my roles is life and leadership coach. During the last 7-8 years, I’ve worked with close to 200 individual people/leaders from throughout the U.S. An important aspect of my work as a coach is helping my clients imagine, and gain clarity about how they want to be as a person and a leader. In my experience, how we live is how we lead, and I think the most important question all of us ought to endeavor to answer for ourselves, even if takes our entire lifetime, is Who Am I?, and Who Do I Want To Be?
Do you know what the top regret is for those who are dying? Not having the courage to live a life that was “true” to them. According to Bronnie Ware, a nurse who spent years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the final 12 weeks of their lives: “This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.”
What a gift it is for us to have such valuable information. Because, if you’re like me (or human, for that matter) you have a sense for what regret feels like, and it doesn’t feel so good. In fact, I think it feels terrible.
And yet, I get it. It’s extremely hard to live the life that is true to us. In fact, I think it’s one of, if not the, hardest thing any of us can do. It requires tremendous courage to live our best life.
Fortunately, we can get the courage to live our best life by casting votes for the life that is true to us.
In addition to coaching, I lead Epic wilderness adventures, so perhaps it’s not the best marketing for me to admit that occasionally I get lost. But I’m being honest here. During a personal Epic hike just last year, I left before the sun was up and made a wrong turn at a junction I didn’t notice due to the darkness. Fortunately, I had a compass along, and after determining which direction was North, I was quickly able to correct my course. The peace of mind provided for me after clarifying where True North was cannot be overstated. Knowing who and how we want to be, and carrying that vision with us always, has the same effect in one’s life and/or leadership. It is our compass.
But it’s hard, even for the most imaginative and inspired, to picture who they want to be. In my experience, the best way to get at it is to focus on how we want to be.
One of the first things I do when coaching someone who wants to change their life is I ask them to brainstorm 5 ways they want to be. These may change from year to year depending on life circumstances and goals. Until Jan. 1 of this year, my 5 were nearly the same as they were 10 years ago: Disciplined, Competent, Humble, Generous and Fun. Using my 5 ways to illustrate the identity of the person I wanted to become, I might choose one actionable step/goal (what Clear calls a tiny step or behavior) for each of these traits that I want to embody.
To to be more disciplined, I might give up something I love but that isn’t good for me and start casting votes accordingly. (No donuts in January). To be more competent, the votes I cast might be working to reading one book per month that is about something I want to learn. To be more Humble, I might work to be more aware of my emotions and on the lookout for when it feels like I’m boasting, or perhaps feeling overconfident about something, or when I find myself feeling like an expert I will challenge myself to shift to a Beginner’s mindset. To be more Generous, I might offer more of my time to charity, or to provide an extra service for no charge. To be more Fun, I might choose to take my sons on a spontaneous adventure when they least expect it. Of course, the tiny step for each of these traits needs to be very specific so the change is measurable, but you get the drift.
One of the biggest challenges, which Clear’s book doesn’t solve, but helps us with, is grappling with the reality that it is hard for a future benefit to trump a present craving. And this is in fact why so many people fail at New Year’s resolutions, and all goals for that matter. It is what I consider to be the biggest crux when it comes to trying to create a new habit or trying to break an old one.
How does one stay motivated and committed to a habit in the present moment, in our hour-to-hour, day-to-day actions, and behaviors with the promise of a reward that won’t come for some time, sometimes a very long time? In other words, how do you resolve the instant, present craving when the reward for doing the right thing is so far in the future?
On this topic of craving–that moment when you’re looking for a particular reward–Clear offers some insights. He explains a “good” habit likely doesn’t include a short-term reward. Example: Instead of watching Netflix, I have to go to the gym and do hard stuff and sweat. In the short term, going to the gym doesn’t seem like a reward at all. But there will be a reward in the long-term–improved health and fitness, increased energy, improved self-image, and confidence, feeling good about our staying committed to our goal, etc. A “bad” habit, on the other hand, provides a short-term reward. Example: I get to be lazy and lay on the couch and finish binge-watching my favorite Netflix show tonight. But if we do this repeatedly, we’ll almost certainly not enjoy a reward in the long-run. Instead, it’s likely we’ll suffer a cost (weight gain, poor physical fitness, decreased energy and motivation, increased health risks, self-criticism for not sticking to the goal, etc.)
This also brings to mind something I learned from neuroscientist and author David Eagleman: Our brains favor the present over the future. So in this battle of now vs. later, now almost always wins.
In other words, we are handicapped from the get-go.
How, then, does one remain committed to the habit or goal given we are naturally wired to be more influenced by present rewards than long-term rewards?
Good question. It’s not enough to say: Be committed. We know that but it’s so much easier said than done. Most of us fail at commitment. Many of the women and men who hire me to be their coach have little trouble coming up with goals they want to achieve. What they are needing, and paying me for, among other things, is help in staying committed to their goals.
A few years after transforming my health, I read a book by Clayton Christensen called How Will You Measure Your Life? (Christensen is a professor at the Harvard School of Business, and is the author of other books, including the well-known The Innovator’s Dilemma.)
I gained a lot of inspiration from reading How Will You Measure Your Life, but one section was particularly impactful. Christensen wrote,“It’s easier to hold your principles 100 percent of the time than it is to hold them 98 percent of the time.”
In other words, 100% of the Time is Easier Than 98% of the Time. (Write that down somewhere where you see it and won’t forget it. Remembering this statement has been a difference-maker for me in honoring my various commitments to goals.)
Christensen explains: “Many of us have convinced ourselves that we are able to break our own personal rules ‘just this once.’ In our minds, we can justify these small choices. None of those things, when they first happen, feels like a life-changing decision. The marginal costs are almost always low. But each of those decisions can roll up into a much bigger picture, turning you into the kind of person you never wanted to be.”
As I write these words of Christensen’s here, I realize how well they support Clear’s message that the small positive actions we take, the “votes” we cast in the form of good habits, accumulate and shape us into the person we want to become.
As Clear so eloquently puts it: “The purpose of setting goals is to win the game. The purpose of building systems is to continue playing the game… Ultimately, it is your commitment to the process that will determine your progress.”
Basically, stay committed to tiny positive behaviors, and eventually, you’ll become the person want to be. But let yourself off the hook just this once and you’ll likely to do it again and again, which will mean you’re not committed, and therefore not much will change for you, and you run the risk of not becoming the person you want to be.
Personally, I know that I’ve said “just this once” hundreds of times in recent years while trying to make a hard change. I used to let myself off the hook plenty of times. Fortunately, I’m much better. In fact I may even go as far as to say I am good at staying committed to my habits and goals, but this is the result of a lot of hard effort. (Tip: Be on the lookout for when you find yourself whispering “just this once won’t hurt anything” or thinking it because if you can notice the thought, you’ll have an opportunity to resist the temptation and/craving and stay the course when it comes to your goal(s). But be hyper-aware of your thoughts and actions, because this opportunity to course-correct is fleeting. (This makes a strong case for developing a mindfulness practice if you don’t already have one. Learning how to observe your thoughts is the first step in being able to notice your thoughts before you’re consumed by them. Ping me if you’d like tips about how to get started or for recommendations for mindfulness apps.)
Thinking about how these small behaviors that can accumulate and result into something significant, if only we don’t let ourselves off the hook, reminds me of a 6-minute video I discovered last Fall. I shared it with my husband and our three sons before school one morning. I promise it’s worth your 6 minutes. It is a speech given by U. S. Naval Admiral William McRaven, and it’s called “Change the World by Making Your Bed.”
I hope you’ll watch the short video because it may inspire you, but if you don’t, here’s McRaven’s opening remark: “If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed. If you make your bed every morning, you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride, and it will encourage you to do another task, and another and another. By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed. Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that the little things in life matter. And if you can’t do the little things right, you’ll never be able to do the big things right.”
I want to get the big things right in my life. I bet you do, too.
Whether you’re resolving to make changes this year or to reinvent yourself and/or your life right now, I encourage you to start with imagining you who want to be. Once you have clarity about who you want to be, determine 5 words that describe how you want to be, and then figure out the small actions you can take to help you close the gap between who you are and who you want to be.
Begin doing what James Clear recommends: Start casting votes, embodying the identity of the kind of person you want to be, and start seeing evidence that you are becoming that person. (For the heck of it, I made a list of all the things I am that are a result of creating particular habits during recent years and sticking to them. To name a handful: I am a disciplined person, a meditator, a healthy and fit person, a voracious reader, someone who fasts once a week, etc.)
If you don’t already enjoy regular intervals of solitude, I challenge you to set some time aside for a solo walk, or some solo time sitting in nature, or somewhere out of your usual “habitat,” and let your mind wander. In order for us to have new inspirations and a-ha moments, our mind must be allowed to wander. But as a society, most of us have come to view boredom as a problem to be solved, and we are quick to “fill up” any free time for such pondering and dreaming with mindless distractions found on our iPhone. I discovered a great quote from Dov Seidman that I love: “When you push pause on a machine, it stops, but when you push pause on a human, they start up.”
This new year, give yourself the gift of some undistracted, device-free, solitary time to consider who and how you want to be. To start up. Then, come up with a goal. Start tiny. Clear’s Atomic Habits will be a great resource for you and will encourage you to start by investing as few as 2 minutes toward any given goal. For example, Clear suggests if your goal is to start flossing your teeth, start by flossing just one tooth. Or if your goal is to go to the gym to work out, start by just putting on your gym clothes and driving to the gym.
Like I said, tiny.
Just start.
Because you will regret your inactions more than your actions.
You risk your life when you don’t live it.
I have so much more I could share on the topic of changing your life, setting and achieving your goals, strategies of commitment, and more, but, to use James Clear’s language, I have other votes to cast today.
I wonder, what votes will you cast for yourself today?
Thank you for reading. This blog post is the first vote I’m casting in 2019 for the Writer that I want to be.
Finally, please feel free to leave me a comment, or write to me at coach@yourepiclife.com if you’d like to share about your own habit- or goal-related experiences with me, or if I can be a support to you in 2019.
I recently turned 50 years old. To celebrate the milestone, and the last day of being 49 years old, I went on a 25-mile epic hike with my husband. We started under a full moon, and then a couple of miles into the hike, we stopped at one of our favorite points to watch the sun rise. It was glorious. (Sunrise is my favorite time of day. One of my trail names is “Sunrise.”)
Since the start of 2018, I have been on a quest to memorize my favorite poems. The sunrise near the start of my birthday hike seemed liked the perfect opportunity to recite Why I Wake Early, by Mary Oliver.
To celebrate my last day of being 49 years old, I went on a 25-mile epic hike with my husband. We started under a full moon, and then a couple of miles into the hike, we stopped at this point, and watched the sun rise. (Sunrise is my favorite time of day!) I continue to memorize my favorite poems. I figured this was a good time to recite one of my favorite poems, Why I Wake Early, by Mary Oliver. It's my 10th poem to memorize this year. #maryoliver #whyiwakeearly #poetry #memorizingpoetry #sunrise
“It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.”– Muhammad Ali
Hi there!
As an adventurer and guide, the first instruction I offer my Epic Adventure clients is delivered at the trailhead, before we take any steps down the trail. We have our backpacks on, and my Epic Adventurers are chomping at the bit to get the party started. Everyone has done so much to get to this point, and the anticipation is palpable.
But first thing’s first.
I tell them: “As we start up the trail, if you get a pebble in your shoe, or a piece of sand or a pine needle in your boot – or if something doesn’t feel right, please speak up. Speak up, and we’ll stop and make adjustments.”
This is such critical advice because most of us won’t speak up. If it’s a little pebble or piece of sand in our shoe, we tell ourselves it’s a tiny thing, and we can manage it. We tell ourselves it’s just an annoyance, and if we ignore it we’ll soon forget it’s even there. We keep it to ourselves. We don’t want to speak up because we don’t want to cause the whole group to stop or to interrupt our progress.
But it’s such a big mistake to not speak up. To ignore the issue.
I should state that I am personally guilty of all of the examples I’m going to share. On many occasions, I have been the one who ignored the issue.
Before long, the person who didn’t speak up about the pebble in his/her shoe has a full-blown blister from where the pebble was grinding into his/her foot. Every single step is torture. The journey is now one of suffering rather than an adventure. It’s devastating for the person with the blister, and it’s hard for others to witness such suffering. That blister affects not only that person’s performance and experience, but that of the entire group. Not only is our pace, and that person’s level of enjoyment, impacted, but now we have to be wary of infection and take measures to prevent that or he/she may need to be evacuated, which is costly, and not something to shoot for.
I’ve been on adventures, both as customer and as a guide, where it starts to rain and someone doesn’t want to take the time to get his/her raincoat on. It’s a hassle, and besides, they aren’t cold. In fact, the rain feels good. So they think no harm is being done by their not putting their rain gear on. The threat, however, is real. Stages of hypothermia can set in when a person gets wet, and then cold. A person who gets hypothermic is not going to have a great experience, and not only will it affect his/her experience, but it threatens the experience and success of the expedition and the group, as well.
I remember one of my first high altitude backpacking adventures that involved big mileage days, a too-heavy backpack and an ambitious mountain climb, all at higher altitudes than I was accustomed to. I didn’t feel hungry, so I ate very little. (Being at altitude can decrease one’s appetite.) Boy did I pay the price for that. I climbed the mountain, but it was hell, and upon descent, I suffered from major dehydration that had me feeling faint, dizzy, weak, and throwing up. The person I was with, thankfully, was kind and generous and understanding, but certainly my suffering did not have a positive impact on his experience. And my actions (inactions – not eating enough) affected us both.
The examples are endless.
I use these as metaphors for self care. So many of us at times do not prioritize self care. It’s not because we don’t know it’s valuable and that we need it and that it will improve our life and performance. We know these things. Rather, our lives are full or too busy, and we tell ourselves we don’t have time. We tell ourselves we’ll start tomorrow. Many of the wonderful humans I work with, coach and know, are generous and compassionate and tend to put others, and others’ needs before theirs. Being generous is a wonderful attribute, but unfortunately it often comes at a personal cost. Self care can feel selfish for such selfless, giving people.
But self care is not selfish.
When we take care of ourselves, it not only positively impacts our own health and experience – and how we show up in our relationships, experiences, work, family and life – it also impacts those around us, and those who depend on us, and love us.
When we sold our first company in 2008, I suddenly had time on my hands. It was a real reckoning because I realized I wasn’t well. Despite all of the blessings I had in my life, I was overweight, sedentary and depressed. With the right people in my life, and a lot of effort, I spent over a year reinventing my health and my life. Once I was healthy, everything was better.
When we take care of ourselves, everything is better.
Throughout our life, we all will have a pebble in our shoe. It could be an illness, a resentment or grudge we carry with us, a heartbreak, a health concern, a conversation we’re needing to have that we’re not having, something we’re needing to do that we’re putting off. Fill in the blank. This pebble is making our journey – our life – more difficult. Imagine what it would be like without it…
Do you have a pebble in your shoe right now? What is it?
I urge you: Don’t ignore the pebble in your shoe. In my experience, it never resolves itself. More times than not, it is something that starts out seemingly small but then, over time, leads to suffering. We must tend to it.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” –Viktor Frankl
Howdy.
The date was July 6, 2014. We left Lander, WY, at 3:30am, under a dark sky full of stars, and hit the road that would lead us to the trailhead. We were amped up on caffeine, our anticipation for the adventure was palpable, and the truck’s stereo was turned way up. (For better or worse, I have a fantastic memory, and I can remember some of the songs that blared from the speakers on that drive in the wee hours of the morning, which included Red Solo Cup, Where is my Mind and Happy.)
I had hired my friend, Randy, to drive us. It would be a two-hour drive on gravel and dirt roads, and I didn’t want to burden myself with such a drive at the front end of what would be a challenging adventure that I was responsible for leading.
About a year earlier, Joel, a former colleague, client – and most importantly, a dear friend – asked if I’d be willing to organize and lead an epic backpacking program for he and his friend, Alan.
Over the years, Joel has done so much to help my businesses, and he was one of the first people to trust me to be his coach, making him special to me. So of course I said Yes.
We arrived to Big Sandy Opening Trailhead at 5:30am. I jumped out of the truck to start unloading our backpacks. I love to being on the trail before sunrise, so I can be out in the wilderness when the sun rises and shines its first light on the mountains. We were cutting it close, so I was hurrying and trying to get us out of the truck and onto the trail as quickly as possible.
But not so fast. Unfortunately, as soon as we got out of the truck, we were overwhelmed by mosquitoes. I do sometimes exaggerate, but this isn’t one of those times. We were under siege by millions of mosquitoes. They were all over us.
I know that July in Wyoming’s Wind River Range is often buggy. While I’ve had some of my best adventures in July, I knew there was a good chance that mosquitoes could be a part of our adventure.
As we all cursed the mosquitoes and tried to locate the mosquito head nets in our backpacks, I recalled a Skype call I had had with Joel and Alan six months earlier. During the call, we were trying to determine a date range that would work for all three of us. It would have to be July or September. I was sharing with Joel and Alan that in July, the weather would be great, but there would be a good chance of mosquitoes. I remember emphasizing, “The mosquitoes could be really, really bad,” to which Alan responded, with a chuckle, that he was from New Jersey where there are huge mosquitoes, adding,“I’m not afraid.” And so we decided on July.
As we swatted and cursed the mosquitoes, I wondered if Alan still felt that way. Thankfully we quickly located, and put on, our bug head nets. (This $5 item would prove to be the most valuable piece of gear for the adventure.)
As Randy drove off, I almost cried watching him leave us behind. The mosquitoes were so bad. I had never seen so many of them at once, and I thought, if this were Jerry and the boys and I, it would be a No Go. But this was a Go, regardless of the mosquitoes. Joel had come from Atlanta, and Alan from Malibu. Both are extremely busy leaders, and free time for them is rare. We had been planning this adventure for six months. There was no turning back.
Joel, me and Alan, in our epic head nets.
As we entered the forest, and started down the trail, I could hear Joel and Alan cursing the mosquitoes and slapping their various body parts in an attempt to kill, or swat the pesky insects away.
I was doing the same thing, although I kept my cursing to myself. I thought to myself, in anger: Are you kidding me? These mosquitoes are going to ruin this trip before it even starts. I had already been feeling a little nervous, what with wanting to make sure to provide an unforgettable, possibly even transformational, experience for these guys. The swarms of mosquitoes compounded my nervousness.
After a few minutes of walking, and hearing the guys’ cursing and swatting, I remembered, with great relief, the amount of whiskey they had packed. Thank God for the whiskey! I thought to myself. Back at the hotel, I had noticed the abundance of whiskey they were trying to fit into their backpacks, and wondered if it was excessive, and may have even questioned the wisdom of their bringing so much liquor along on what would be physically demanding adventure, not to mention one that would be at altitude. Now I didn’t have any doubt, and I was thankful for their wisdom.
More seriously, though, I realized that how I responded to these mosquitoes would likely influence how Joel and Alan would respond to the mosquitoes. I watched and listened as the swarms hovered in front of my face and all around me. Mosquitoes literally filled the air. (Their buzzing was so loud and constant that I could still hear them a week after our trip!). But then I noticed that the mosquitoes were not getting in. Our head nets were keeping them out. In addition to the head nets, we each wore pants, and long-sleeve shirts, and had sprayed some Off on ourselves before starting. I took stock of all this, and once again, confirmed that the mosquitoes were not getting into the head net, and they were not biting. We were protected.
It was then that I also remembered the words of the late Viktor Frankl. (What would I do without all of the books I’ve read, and the wisdom they have imparted on me?)
Frankl was an Austrian neurologist and psychologist, and a Nazi concentration camp survivor. He survived three years in camps. Every day in the camps, people all around Frankl died, yet he lived. After his experience, he wrote Man’s Search for Meaning, which is one of the most influential books I’ve ever read. I’ve read the book three times, and will likely read it several more times.
While starting up the trail, with my cursing and mosquito-swatting friends close behind, I thought of some of Frankl’s words: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” I recalled how Frankl was able to choose his existence, and how that made all the difference for him, despite his terrible, life-threatening circumstances.
I decided right then, just minutes into our backpacking adventure, and under siege by mosquitoes, to choose my mindset. Specifically, I decided, “I will not let these mosquitoes hijack this adventure.”
Right there and then, everything would change for the better. And doing that – changing my mindset – made all the difference.
The mosquitoes, though in great number and incredibly annoying, did not hijack our adventure. Despite the fact that almost all of our photos show us wearing our mosquito head nets, the mosquitoes seldom come up when we recall our experience in the wilderness that July. Despite the mosquitoes, ours was an unforgettable and inspiring adventure.
Yeehaw! Jumping on Jackass Pass, a rare moment that was breezy and therefore, at least for a moment, mosquito-free.
I share this story to illustrate that we all have the power to change our mindset. And yet, to tell the story honestly, it’s important to also share that I didn’t make that decision to change my mindset only that one time, at the start of our adventure. Rather, I made that decision, and chose that mindset, probably hundreds of times over the course of the five days.
And doing so made all the difference.
As I recall this story, I must share another realization. If the adventure were a few years earlier, I seriously doubt I would have had the maturity or the ability to have noticed my thoughts, and to have consciously decided to change my mindset. And I dread even thinking about how different the experience might have been as a result.
Let me explain. I promise there’s a nugget. 🙂
I have meditated off and on for almost 30 years. Add to that, I hike about 500 miles, alone, each year. In other words, I experience a great deal of “mindfulness.”
But it wasn’t until 2012, after seeing Andy Puddicombe’s wonderful Ted Talk and learning about the Headspace app, that I committed to practicing mindfulness on a regular basis. And Thank God I did.
By the time I was leading Joel and Alan on our Epic adventure, I had spent 10-20 minutes every single weekday morning for 18 months in my simple mindfulness practice.
Sitting alone with nothing but my thoughts on a regular basis has changed my life in a subtle but important way. For the record, and this will not be a surprise to people who know me well, I have an overactive mind. When I sit in mindfulness, my mind and thoughts wander away from me over and over again. So, in my mindfulness practice, I am constantly working to “fetch” and bring back my wandering attention, to return it to my breath. Let’s just say, I get a lot of practice at redirecting my attention. (I used to think this meant I was “bad” at mindfulness or meditation, when in fact, I’ve come to appreciate the fact that it just means I get a lot of practice at redirecting and focusing my attention.) In the process of all this mindfulness practice, I have learned how to be an “observer” of my thoughts.
Consider the quote I included at the very top of this story: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.”
Before I invested time in a mindfulness practice, I didn’t have that space. But now that I’m an experienced observer of my thoughts, I have this space – this fleeting opportunity that’s mine if only I’ll take it – that is between what is happening right now and what will be my response to it, during which I get to decide how I will respond. (By the way, sometimes I still may freak out, but it will be a choice, rather than a reaction, and let me tell you, that’s a big difference.)
Having the brief “space” allows me to thoughtfully respond, rather than to mindlessly or emotionally react, and it has made a positive difference in all areas of my life.
This is all to say that my mindfulness practice deserves much of the credit for my having the ability and mental wherewithal to notice my thoughts, and to change my mindset at the start of my adventure with Joel and Alan. It was the difference between allowing the mosquitoes to hijack our adventure or not.
I know that dealing with a bunch of mosquitoes on a wilderness trip is nothing compared to more serious circumstances, such receiving a cancer diagnosis, or getting fired or laid off from your job, or having your house burn down, or suffering the loss of a loved one.
But remember, Frankl was able to survive three years of suffering, and survived when so many others around him died, and/or surrendered to their circumstances. For Frankl, his ability to choose his mindset (what he called “the last of the human freedoms”), was the single thing that couldn’t be taken from him, and over which he had control.
In fact, our mindset is one thing over which we have control.
Frankl’s example is a tremendous inspiration for me, and has been for almost 30 years. When I was just 20 years old,I lost my Division I basketball scholarship, and one of the first blessings that resulted from that “failure” was discovering, and reading about Frankl’s story. I remember thinking, if Frankl could choose his existence while trying to survive a Nazi concentration camp, then surely a girl from Wyoming who lost her basketball scholarship could choose hers, too. Frankl’s story had a profound impact on me, and it changed the course of my life for the better.
Reading Man’s Search for Meaning, and remembering how Frankl was able to choose his existence by choosing how to respond to his circumstances continues to inform my life, particularly when I find myself in difficult circumstances.
Chances are, we all have at least some challenging circumstances in our lives right now. It’s hard to be positive and feel optimistic when our circumstances aren’t more favorable. Yet the mindset we have in those circumstances has a lot of influence over how we’ll live through those circumstances. Will we surrender to the circumstances or will we try to improve our situation?
I coach people from throughout the country, from all walks of life. Often, we work on mindset, and reframing and changing the way we view things. I work with leaders on being more responsive and less reactive.
Even the most positive among us struggle with negativity. Daniel Amen, a clinical neuroscientist, psychiatrist, brain imaging expert and author, says we have 60,000 thoughts a day. Can you imagine? That’s one thought per second. And, did you know that 45,000 of these daily thoughts we each have are negative? Amen calls these Automatic Negative Thoughts, or “ANTS.” So 75% of our thoughts are negative. Not to be negative, but this fact is a real downer!
We all have negative stories that appear, especially when we’re experiencing self doubt, or struggling through difficult circumstances.
Are you old enough to remember cassette tapes? Remember how, as long as the plastic tabs weren’t manually removed, you could record new music over the old? I try to notice the negative story when it appears, and I then I work to “record a new track” over that old, negative one. Our negative stories are limiting. They hold us back, and cause us grief. We must replace them with new stories that are more constructive. All of this takes practice, and it can be extremely difficult work.
I am thinking now of a time during myGannett Peak expedition last July when I was in a tent above tree line, surrounded by lakes and tall granite peaks. There was an epic storm going on that included lightning that lit up my tent in between raucous thunder that echoed off the nearby granite. For a few hours, I lay there, alone in my tent, at 10,500’ elevation and 15 miles from the nearest trailhead, terrified. Each time my tent was lit up by the lightning, and each time I heard the cracking and echoing thunder, I thought to myself, I’m going to be struck by lightning! and I’m going to die! And each time, trying to practice what I preach, I worked hard to replace these negative thoughts/stories with, What a spectacular storm! And, Our guides spend nights like this all the time and they are alive. I tried all night to change my mindset, and was not successful. But it wasn’t for a lack of effort!
Thankfully I survived, and among other things, I get to continue my efforts to change my mindset, and to hopefully inspire others to change theirs when it would serve them to do so. It’s important work that can change our lives. I shared only a couple of examples of how changing my mindset changed my experience. There are many more I could share, but you have your own, and I encourage you to reflect on some of them.
Think of a time you changed your mindset, and in doing so, it changed your reality.
A favorite quote of mine, by Anaïs Nin, is “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” When we change our mindset, we see things as we choose to see them.
Think of a negative situation you’re in, or a negative thought that is a part of your inner dialogue these days. What is a new, more positive thought you can replace it with? Start practicing replacing the negative thought with a positive one.
I love metaphors. So to wrap this up, I’ll return to where we started – mosquitoes and head nets.
What are the mosquitoes that are trying to interfere with you in your work, your life or a relationship? What is an action you can take – a “head net” you can wear – to keep their negativity from getting in, while also helping you shift your mind and attention to something more positive?
Thanks for stopping by, and for reading my writing. I thank you with all of my heart!
(I hope you’ll check back. Watch for upcoming posts related to mindset, including growth vs. fixed, the science of gratitude, work/job recrafting, and more.)
Yeehaw! For a minute there, I forgot I was/am 52. I could have sworn I was 10 years old again. (I highly recommend this for all grownups)
“We are breathless, but we love the days. They are promises. They are the only way to walk from one night to the other.”–Nina Riggs, The Bright Hour
(NOTE: Before you read this post, I want to offer my thoughts and love to any of you who have cancer, and/or an other life-threatening disease. For those of you who have beat cancer, I have great respect and admiration for you. While I have been, and am close to, people who have cancer, who struggle or suffer from various diseases, who are elderly, and/or who might otherwise be confronting their mortality, I don’t pretend to know what that’s like. I can only imagine. Please know I want to be sensitive and sensible here, and I hope I don’t say anything here that offends you. If I do, I am so sorry. And while I’m at it, I’m sorry for all of you who have lost loved ones. I do know something about that, and I am sorry for your loss.)
I don’t want to die. I love my family and friends and my life so much that if I live to be 95 it won’t be long enough. Still, I think about death, and my mortality, a lot–and on purpose.
But it hasn’t always been this way. Several things have caused me to keep the prospects of death nearby.
Lori was a wife, mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, and friend to many. She was my friend.
Sometime around the second week of October, in 2011, Lori stopped by my house unexpectedly. I was struggling over things related to someone’s death, and she knew this, and she cared so much she wanted to stop by. We had a meaningful conversation, which included her sharing about an epic biking adventure she had recently embarked upon in California.
After a time, Lori got up to leave, and I walked her out, and we stood for a moment next to her car in my driveway. Lori squared herself in front of me, held each of my shoulders in her hands, and looked at me in the eyes with her sparkly eyes, and said, “For whatever reason, that day was the day that man was to die. I believe we each have a time that we’re meant to die.”
Just days later, on Oct. 19, Lori died suddenly, from an aneurysm. She was only 52. Lori’s passing struck me hard not only because she was a family friend, and we loved and adored her, but also because of those impassioned words she shared with me just days earlier in my driveway. Her belief that we all have our time to die more or less “assigned,” even if we don’t know it, took on a new meaning.
When I went to Lori’s funeral, and as I reflected on her life, I wondered if Lori somehow knew her life would be short. Of course I’m not suggesting that she really did know, but I wonder about it because she lived every day so fully, as if she knew her days were numbered. She was exceptional that way. Other friends or acquaintances have died too early in recent years, and their lives were lived similarly. As I left each of their funerals, I was sad about their passing, but I was also inspired by their examples, and I resolved to live more purposefully, and with a new sense of urgency for my life.
I wrote recently in TheMagic Ingredients blog post that I owe much of my current great life to a “Manifesto” I created for myself some years ago. I promised I’d share about it. This post is my effort to do that. Thank you for returning.
I may not wake up tomorrow. These are the words I’ve been reading to myself every single morning since sometime in late 2009.
I’ve shared with a handful of people who are close to me that I have felt as if my life will be short. I really believe this, even though, as far as I know, I have no terminal cancer diagnosis or serious diseases. I’m 51 years old, and by all indications, I’m quite healthy. Exceptionally healthy, even.
So why do I believe my life will be short? Could it be because I’ve practiced believing it, every day, for almost 10 years?
I know, Life is short and Live each day as if it could be your last are not my ideas, and we’ve heard them over and over again by the late Steve Jobs, and other famous people who have made public cases for what I’m trying to do here in my little humble blog. But, at least in my experience, it’s one thing to endorse and buy into a slogan, and another to work to actually believe and embody it. Which is what I have been doing. And while I hope, every day, that it won’t be my last, I determined when writing my Manifesto that I wasn’t going to take any chances. And it has made all the difference.
The statement, “I may not wake up tomorrow,” is the last statement, of several, listed in a “Manifesto” I started writing in 2009 and finished in 2011. At the time, I had made it to the other side of a challenging reinvention of my physical and mental health, and was in the midst of my professional reinvention. I wanted to create a sort of “philosophy of life” document to guide me. I wanted to stay true to my wishes for how I wanted to be in the world, and the life I wanted to live, and to keep the momentum I had created going.
I purposefully took considerable time and reflection to create my Manifesto. It would be a declaration and a “call to action” for me and I wanted to get it right.
Writing, and living my Manifesto has been one of the most constructive and empowering things I’ve ever done. Every day as I read it, the Manifesto “primes” me to live the day fully. When I do the math, it turns out I’ve read my Manifesto about 3,000 times. That’s a lot of affirming.
During the last year, I have worked to be more daring and vulnerable in my writing and in my sharing. Sharing my Manifesto here is part of that. You see, my Manifesto will tell you a lot about me. It’s so personal that I have shared this with only my husband, Jerry, and a handful of people.
Please know that I am not sharing it to show off what is my Manifesto, but rather in hopes that it might inspire you to write your own. (By the way, my mission isn’t to try to inspire people to be like me or to have a life like mine. Rather, my mission is to inspire people about their own lives. Everyone’s Manifesto will look and feel differently, and only you know how you want to live, and what you will need to write.)
Following is my Manifesto. This is my current version of it. It still includes most of the original statements from late 2009, plus numerous additions I’ve made in recent years.
SHELLI’S MANIFESTO (2018)
Pay attention.
In everything I do, I think first of my family, and the most important people in my life.
Every day I have meaningful connections with each of my sons. I make efforts to have rich relationships with them, and they know and can feel, my love.
Every day we’ll connect in meaningful ways as a family.
I will be the best Mom I can be. I will work to grasp less.
I show Jerry my love, and our boys see our love for one another.
And don’t forget our Buddy and Chewy. (updated)
I make time to spend with my parents.
I keep in touch with my sisters and brother.
I value my friends and friendships.
I am a great listener.
I know myself, but I’m always changing. I promise to keep learning about myself.
I pray and reflect–and am grateful–every day.
I am kind. To everyone.
I will be of service to others.
I love my whole life–the wondrous and ordinary parts AND the challenging and sad parts.
Obstacles teach me.
I create fun. I turn drudgery into an adventure.
Every day I play at least a little, and I yell “Yeehaw!” often.
I am at choice. I’m not a victim. I get to choose at any moment what my existence will be. (Viktor Frankl did!)
I will respond, not react.
I am curious. I’ll always ask questions.
I will work to be more patient.
I love Solitude.
I want to be someone who dares to fail. I will be afraid of failing, but I will still dare to fail.
Sometimes I will fail.
I am humble.
Frequently, I will go without, and even fast. I will also enjoy a lot of bacon, ice cream, cake, donuts, coffee and wine.
Read. Every day.
I will wake early, often, and see the sun rise. I will also see some sunsets.
I want to be the person who gets up off the couch to see a rainbow, or who sets her alarm to see a meteor show.
Once in a while, I’ll sleep in.
Write. I am a writer. Act like one.
I want to be the person who takes a plunge in a frigid mountain lake in the wilderness, not the person watching from the shore, being so reasonable.
I practice. Everything.
I don’t want to be so hard on myself. I promise to be more compassionate toward myself.
Most often, good enough is good enough. Seriously!
I will do what’s right.
I inspire others to climb mountains they’re not certain they can climb (real mountains and the mountains in their life.)
Talk less, but say more.
I am as healthy and as fit as I can be so that I can entertain any adventures that come my way.
I am serious, and I’m a goofball. I take life very seriously, and I also don’t take life very seriously.
I am generous.
I champion others.
I am on time–or early.
Every moment counts. (Remember Seneca’s words, “Life is long enough if you know how to use it.”)
Don’t view anything as a waste of time, and it won’t be.
I may not wake up tomorrow.
That is it. My Manifesto may be a little more specific than necessary. For example, I wanted to name items like sunrises and books and drudgery. In doing so, my Manifesto reminds me of the kind of essence I want to embody. But, also, by being specific, the Manifesto can serve as a sort of “To Do” list, instructing me with specific things I can do to help me be who and how I want to be.
I have definitely seen more sunrises and sunsets as a result of this Manifesto. I’ve seen more rainbows and constellation events. I’ve slept in more! I’ve played hard and been more of a “participant” in my family. I’ve viewed drudgery differently, and have worked to be more generous, something that unfortunately doesn’t come naturally for me. I’ve kept my fitness at a high level, and practiced everything more.
I am reading more books than ever before, and I have made strides in not being so self-critical. I have been more loving with Jerry and our sons, and had more meaningful connections with them. I have tried to be a better friend. I’ve dared to fail often and failed often, which means I’ve learned. I am writing more often, and this is a direct result of adding the writing statement to the Manifesto 12 months ago.
And, most importantly, I have done mostly a good job of living each day as if it really could be my last.
One thing I ask myself often, and people I work with, is, Let’s say you have only one week left to live. Now, look at your calendar. Would you change anything? (If Yes, make the changes.) I always think of writer Annie Dillard’s words, How we spend our days is of course how we spend our lives.
Those who know me or work with me know that I have a fascination with books and stories from people who are approaching the end of their life. I’m a voracious reader, and my favorite books are books written by the dying, or about the dying. As hard as I try to view each day as a gift and to live each as if it might be last, no one can do these things better than someone who is dying, and/or approaching the end of their life. I am deeply inspired by the wisdom and generosity offered by people who know they’re near the end of their life.
In addition, I’m a fan of the ancient philosophy of Stoicism. For about seven years, I’ve read many books about Stoicism, and by Stoics like Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and others. I’ve followed with great enthusiasm all that Tim Ferriss has shared about Stoicism. I bring up Stoicism for two reasons that are relevant to this blog post.
The first is the concept of negative visualization, which I’ve made a part of my life since first reading about it. Negative visualization is essentially the practice/act of imagining you’ve lost someone you love, or your job, or your home–or better yet, all of it. It’s imagining that your worst fears come true. By imagining losing what we love and value, we’re likely to cherish more what we have and work to not take these things for granted. A book that has been very influential for me is A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy, by William B. Irvine. The book has helped me to be an “observer” of my life, while reminding me to never take the people in my life–or my life, for that matter–for granted.
The second is the Stoics had a meditation practice at the end of their day. Many of us do this already, without realizing it. We lie in bed at night and play back in our minds the movie that was our day. Most of us tend to judge the day. I prefer to use the word, evaluate. It feels more constructive, especially if you tend to be hard on yourself like I am. Every night I reflect on my day, often holding it up against the calls to action in my Manifesto, and I ask myself things like “Could I have handled that conversation with more patience?” “Darn. When Fin was asking me about Friday night, was I looking at my phone, or at him, when I was responding?” For me, this taking stock–this evaluating my day–helps to keep me honest while providing real clues as to how I can be my best self. This process is a natural next step after writing a Manifesto.
Thanks so much for reading. Please feel free to offer a comment below, or to share with me directly any thoughts you have, or questions I might be able to answer that may help or inspire you to create your own Manifesto – your own daily guide for living.
As a gift, I’m including a beautiful poem by Mary Oliver, called The Fourth Sign of the Zodiac, which is about cancer, mortality, the life lived, and the desire for more. I love it.
The Fourth Sign of the Zodiac
By Mary Oliver
1. Why should I have been surprised?
Hunters walk the forest
without a sound.
The hunter, strapped to his rifle,
the fox on his feet of silk,
the serpent on his empire of muscles—
all move in a stillness,
hungry, careful, intent.
Just as the cancer
entered the forest of my body,
without a sound.
2. The question is,
what will it be like
after the last day?
Will I float
into the sky
or will I fray
within the earth or a river—
remembering nothing?
How desperate I would be
if I couldn’t remember
the sun rising, if I couldn’t
remember trees, rivers; if I couldn’t
even remember, beloved,
your beloved name.
3. I know, you never intended to be in this world.
But you’re in it all the same.
so why not get started immediately.
I mean, belonging to it.
There is so much to admire, to weep over.
And to write music or poems about.
Bless the feet that take you to and fro.
Bless the eyes and the listening ears.
Bless the tongue, the marvel of taste.
Bless touching.
You could live a hundred years, it’s happened.
Or not.
I am speaking from the fortunate platform
of many years,
none of which, I think, I ever wasted.
Do you need a prod?
Do you need a little darkness to get you going?
Let me be urgent as a knife, then,
and remind you of Keats,
so single of purpose and thinking, for a while,
he had a lifetime.
4. Late yesterday afternoon, in the heat,
all the fragile blue flowers in bloom
in the shrubs in the yard next door had
tumbled from the shrubs and lay
wrinkled and fading in the grass. But
this morning the shrubs were full of
the blue flowers again. There wasn’t
a single one on the grass. How, I
wondered, did they roll back up to
the branches, that fiercely wanting,
as we all do, just a little more of
life?
Blog Posts I’ve written that are related to many of the things included in my Manifesto:
I love poetry, and I often try to memorize poems that inspire me. Here’s an effort to recite one of my favorite poems by my favorite poet, Mary Oliver, on a recent hike in the “backyard.” Thankfully, my dog, Buddy, was there for support – and to steal the show. 🙂 Thanks for watching. (Full text of poem is included below.)
What is your favorite poem? I’ll be sharing more poetry here throughout this year, and I’d love to hear from you on your favorites.
The Summer Day by Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
In the last 6 years, I’ve worked with hundreds of people. I’ve coached them, presented to them, helped them facilitate leadership development, or guided them on an Epic Adventure. I have learned so much, and have been so inspired by these wonderful human beings – and by all of the wonderful people I am blessed to have in my life. This short video is about the most important thing I’ve learned in this work I do. I hope you’ll watch it, and if you do, I thank you so much for your time.
If you, or someone you know, could use some loving support, encouragement and daring, I’d love a chance to be your/their champion. Email me and we can schedule a call to see if I might be what you’re looking for.
Thank you so much for stopping by. And speaking of thanks, I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving!
I hope you’ll read this blog post. The sharing I do in it took some daring. You’ll have to read past the next few paragraphs to see what I mean by that. (I still can’t believe I’ve written a blog post that includes head banging and Elvis!)
For a few years now, I’ve been selecting three words to guide me during each new year. These are words I think a lot about, and carefully select because I mean for them to act as reminders for me to be certain ways during the year.
The three words idea is not my idea. My friend, Chris Brogan gets the credit. Every year I would read about his three words, and I was inspired, so I started doing it for myself a few years ago.
I chose ONE because I want to get better at single-tasking. I have a very active mind, and it’s difficult for me to focus on one thing at a time. I know how important deep focus is for doing meaningful work. The year’s not over, but I must report that out of all three of my words, there is one that I’m not doing so well at. Can you guess which one?
I chose PRACTICE because I believe that to get good at anything, or to create a new habit or to learn a new skill, practice is required. And I like rituals. I was already good at practicing when I chose this word, but I chose it because there are more things I want to practice. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m doing pretty well with Practice.
The last word, HELL YEAH, is – I know – two words, but hey, these are my words and my rules. I chose Hell Yeah because for some years now, I’ve been wanting to be more impulsive, spontaneous, daring, and fun. To be sure, I have a lot of fun in my life. I play at least as hard as I work, which is pretty hard. But I’m a planner, and so much of my fun is planned. I chose “Hell Yeah” as one of my words and intentions for this year because I wanted to “let loose” more. I wanted to find myself saying “Hell Yeah” when I would normally go into my head and overthink it before holding back and saying No, or Hell No. I want to have more Hell Yeah in me and my life.
I’m excited to report that I’ve said Hell Yeah a lot. And the result is I’ve had some exhilarating experiences that I wouldn’t have otherwise had. And while Hell Yeah has been a conscious effort mostly this year, my desire to let loose was inspired earlier.
In 2013, I read, and have since been influenced by a 2009 article, written by Derek Sivers, called No “Yes.” Either “HELL YEAH!” or “No.” I have become great at saying No, and better at not saying Yes. I like that Hell Yeah means a Yes better be something to be emphatic about.
I also was inspired to have more Hell Yeah in my life when I led my first Epic Women Wind River expedition in August of 2013. After we climbed a tall mountain on Day 2, the Epic Women, who had traveled from Rhode Island, Chicago, California, Alaska, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and Laramie, WY, for the adventure, took a plunge in the ice-cold alpine lake near our camp. I watched in awe, and thought the ladies were crazy. Then the ladies turned the tables and “coached” me into taking the plunge. It was freezing – and exhilarating.
After that icy plunge, I determined that I didn’t want to sit on the sidelines and be reasonable during such occasions. I decided then that I wanted to be a person who lives more, and who “goes for it” more often. I think it was in those moments after I had dared to take the icy plunge that the initial “I-want-to-say-hell-yeah-more-often” seed was planted. But it took time to grow, and to sprout.
In 2015, I slid down a waterfall with my three sons that I hadn’t slid down since I was 18 years old, some 30 years earlier. As I did it, I screamed and was scared, but also excited, and for a moment felt like a teenager again.
In early 2016, we decided to take a 30-day Europe trip in the summer that we weren’t sure we could afford, but realizing it won’t be long before our boys are off to college, we said, Hell Yeah.
I have been playing some great basketball games with Jerry and the boys in the hotel pools when we travel – something I never used to do. I’ve been going on scarier rides and bigger rollercoasters at amusement parks. And the list goes on…
All of these Hell Yeah experiences make me feel young, and more alive. Who doesn’t want that? And I believe these experiences, because of their novelty, and because they make you feel so alive, help to create unforgettable – truly lasting – memories. In the end of our life, we won’t remember everything. It’s not possible. Having more unforgettable experiences has been part of my personal mission for years now, and saying Hell Yeah helps to keep me on mission.
It wasn’t until this year, though, that I really cranked it up. I hesitated on sharing this because I was concerned that people might judge me, possibly unfairly, but after careful consideration, and some feedback from people I trust, I have decided to share. After all, I didn’t break any laws, and I had the time of my life!
So here it goes…I went to a Rave. I should say we, and I should say two. Jerry, my husband of 25 years, is a real trooper, and I am lucky. He’s adventurous, and he’s game for just about anything I suggest.
Jerry and I have three sons: Wolf, a junior in high school, Hayden, a sophomore in high school, and Fin, a fifth grader. Last April, for our spring break, we took a road trip that included camping and exploring a bunch of state and national parks, sledding down giant sand dunes, exploring the hoodoos of Goblin Valley, and – and the end, a fancy hotel, fancy dinner, and tickets to a Utah Jazz basketball game.
About halfway through the trip, in Colorado Springs, we spent the day hiking 14 miles worth of trails in the Garden of the Gods. By evening, the boys were tired, and we were all sweaty and stinky and covered in dirt, so we got a hotel for the night. As we were taking turns getting cleaned up, the boys hinted they felt like they had earned some “Privs.” (Privs means privileges, which, for our boys, mean video games/”screen time.”) We had had a very active spring break so far, so theirs was not an unreasonable request. Plus, Jerry and I saw the opportunity: We could have a date! (Can I get a Hell Yeah?!)
For the last several months, I had been listening to a lot of Electronic Dance Music on Spotify, and Jerry liked it, too. (Polish Ambassador, The Chainsmokers, DJ Snake, David Guetta, etc.) Jerry and I love to dance, but other than the occasional wedding we attend, or a Lander Live event, we don’t get many chances to dance. So while Jerry was in the shower, I quickly Google-searched EDM in Colorado Springs. To my delight, there was a well-known DJ performing at a club called Rawkus, which was described as a “sizable, rollicking nightspot with a bar & neon lighting, plus a lineup of DJs & live music.”
When Jerry got out of the shower, I proposed my idea – that we go to Rawkus, an EDM club. After looking at me long enough to confirm I was serious, he said, “Sure. That sounds like fun.”
Jerry put on a polo shirt, and I put on my only shirt that wasn’t a t-shirt – a blouse – and I used my Uber app to request a ride. We told the boys we were going to an EDM club, and the older sons – the ones who know what EDM is – laughed, rolled their eyes, but then offered, “That’s cool.” We told them, “We may be out super late, dancing” – to which they responded, “Awesome. Take your time!”
The adventure started when the Uber driver showed up. A kind and outgoing “soccer mom” showed up in a maroon mini van. She quickly moved the two baby car seats – and no kidding a soccer ball, out of the back seat to make room for us. On her dashboard was a bobblehead Jesus, and there were wallet-sized photos of two young, adorable children, a girl and a boy, clipped to the visor above the front passenger seat.
“Where would you like to go?” she asked. “The Rawkus,” I said. She responded with, “Ohhh, Rawkus, huh? Feeling raucous tonight, are we?!” Jerry and I laughed, and together exclaimed, “Yes!” And I think – I’m pretty sure – she added, “Wow, Rawkus, I didn’t see that coming…” as she smiled at us in the center rear view mirror.
As our driver pulled out of our hotel parking lot, she asked us what kind of music we’d like to listen to. I could tell Jerry was impressed. I travel a fair amount, and have used Uber a lot, but this was Jerry’s first Uber experience, and he was surprised by the customer service. I whispered to him that the Uber drivers are rated by their passengers so drivers aim to provide a great experience. Her asking us for our musical preference was part of that.
We told her any kind of music would be just fine. “You pick,” I offered.
Our driver said, “I love Hip Hop, so if it’s okay, I’ll play some of that?”
“Sure” we said. Our boys listen to a fair amount of Hip Hop. We don’t dislike it.
Next thing we knew, a very explicit Hip Hop song came on. The title itself is explicit or I’d tell you what the song was. The music was so loud that we could feel the bass thumping underneath our seats and up against our backs and heads. I think the van’s windows were rattling. I was shouting as I tried talking to Jerry. We maneuvered through Friday night traffic as the Jesus on her dashboard bobbled, and Jerry and I looked at each other and grinned. By all indications, this was going to be a memorable date.
Our driver pulled up to the Rawkus building, and opened the van’s sliding door for us. With our ears ringing, we hopped out, and she yelled after to us, “Have fun – and dance like you don’t know anyone!” Excited, we yelled back, “Okay! Thanks!”
We found our way to the front entrance of Rawkus. The club wasn’t open yet, but the sign on the door indicated it would open in 15 minutes. So we started a line, and waited.
Soon, others started to show up. They didn’t get in line with us, but sat or stood near the entrance. I noticed none of them had polo shirts on, or blouses. They were many years younger than us. It’s not that we’re old, but Jerry’s 54 and I’m 49, and well, especially on a Friday night, it’s not hard to be younger.
At first I was feeling a little self conscious. It seemed like everyone who showed up looked at us. They seemed curious. Maybe it’s because we had on collared shirts. Or maybe it was because we were older.
As we were waiting, I spied a huge “Bingo” sign on a building in the same parking lot. I laughed, and whispered to Jerry that all of these other people were probably thinking we were at the wrong place; that we obviously meant to be in line at the Bingo Hall. It was funny. It is funny, even as I recall it now.
My self consciousness was short-lived because they were all so friendly. We all had in common our excitement for the night as we waited for the doors to open.
The doors did finally open, and we entered, paid the cover charge, and we were in the club.
We were the first to stand on the dance floor, and we snapped a photo.
Jerry and I at our first Rave. Collared shirts and all! (hahaha)
I was full of anticipation for what I hoped would be a night of energetic music and a lot of hard dancing. Jerry got a beer, and I had a glass of wine as we stood on the dance floor waiting for the first of many DJs to arrive and start the beats. There were people lining up at the front of the dance floor, near the DJ. The backs of their shirts said things like “Headbanger” and “Peace” and “Harmony” and a some words and phrases I won’t include here.
A man and a woman came over to us, and introduced themselves. Their gesture was kind, but also awkward. It felt sort of like when you’re at a banquet, and people come up to introduce themselves. After some polite small talk, the man asked, “Is this your first Rave?” [Gasp.] I felt a quick panic rush over me, as I thought to myself, A Rave? Are we at a Rave? I hadn’t considered that we were attending a Rave, and my mind flashed to what I thought of as a Rave –a big festival of people high on drugs, where there might be orgies. Like I said, [Gasp.]
But quickly I returned to the present, and this didn’t look anything like that. Thank God. What seemed like a little too much later, Jerry responded to the man, “No. We’ve never been to a Rave before.” The couple welcomed us, and told us to enjoy ourselves, and then they walked off to a different area of the dance floor.
Soon, the first DJ arrived, and it went dark, except for an amazing neon light show and some strobe lights. The music started.
Before we knew it, we were dancing our guts out—headbanging and all! The music was electrifying, and during a brief break during which we consumed large bottles of water, Jerry tried to explain to me how the bass was so strong and powerful that it made him feel more energized and alive. “I can feel it reverberating through my whole body. It’s awesome!” he exclaimed. I agreed. Even though we had hiked 14 miles just a few hours earlier, I suddenly had all kinds of energy, and for reasons I can’t explain, I felt youthful.
During the course of the night, people of various races, genders and ages, came up to Jerry and me, and high-fived us or offered hugs to us. A few of them remarked, “It’s so great to see you guys here.” Another person came up to me, hugged me, and remarked, “So you really like this music?” And I said “Yes, I love it!” All I can figure is we must have really stood out. We must have looked like we had gotten off at the wrong station. LOL. We were, comparatively speaking, old, and remember, we had on collared shirts. (We made a note to ourselves that we would need to get different attire for future Raves.)
We had an absolute blast! By the time we called it a night, my FitBit reported 64,000 steps – 30,000 of them (12 miles worth) from dancing, the others from the hiking we did earlier.
Jerry and I were dripping in sweat, and it was getting late, so I requested an Uber.
Our Uber driver was Elvis. Seriously. Our driver was the perfect impersonation of Elvis. He even (duh!) played Elvis’ music. When we got into the car, the volume was low, but we could hear Jailhouse Rock.
As soon as Jerry and I were buckled into the back seat, our driver asked us if we liked Elvis. “Of course,” we assured him. How could we respond differently? As if to make sure our driver had our respect, Jerry repeated how awesome Elvis’ music is, and in response, the driver changed songs to Love Me Tender, and starting singing loudly. Love me tender / Love me sweet / Never let me go / You have made my life complete / And I love you so…
That’s when I realized that there’s a difference between singing out loud to a song and performing. Our driver was performing. And his performance was stupendous! And, I don’t use that word lightly. In fact, that might be the first time I’ve ever used that word in my life. It was so stupendous that I seriously wondered if we were in a dream. Was Elvis Presley really our personal driver, and were we really being treated to a personal concert by The King? After Love Me Tender, came My Way, which I think is originally a Sinatra song, but one that Elvis sang and sang so well that it’s my favorite Elvis song.
As I listened, I thought immediately of my Aunt Carol, and her late husband, my Uncle Bob, whose favorite song was Elvis’ My Way. Then my mind wandered to the song, and our driver’s spectacular singing.
And now, the end is near; And so I face the final curtain. My friend, I’ll say it clear, I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain.
I’ve lived a life that’s full. I’ve traveled each and every highway; But more, much more than this, I did it my way.
Regrets, I’ve had a few; But then again, too few to mention. I did what I had to do. And saw it through without exemption.
I planned each charted course; Each careful step along the byway, But more, much more than this, I did it my way.
The driver approached our hotel, and I remarked, “Oh I love this song so much. And you’re a great singer.” To which he responded, “If you like, I can drive around a few extra blocks so you can hear it to the end.” I started to say, Yes, but then caught myself, and changed my response to, “Hell Yeah!”
Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew; When I bit off more than I could chew. But through it all, when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out. I faced it all and I stood tall; And did it my way…
The song ended, and so did our ride, and our unforgettable date. We gave our personal Elvis a very generous tip and made our way back to the hotel room and our sons. Jerry and I were still buzzing from the Epic night. What an exciting experience. We wondered to each other, out loud, if we’d ever go to another Rave. Um, Hell Yeah to that. (And, in fact, two months later, during a family trip to Las Vegas to attend a Bastille concert, Jerry and I read about a Bear Grillz performance scheduled at the Hard Rock Cafe. We love Bear Grylls, the British survivor who has a show about Epic adventure and survival, which I realize has absolutely nothing to do with going to a Rave with a DJ named Bear Grillz Oops. Another digression. 🙂
I dared to share this story and experience in hopes that it might inspire you to say Hell Yeah to things that could bring you more aliveness, and create more unforgettable moments.
So far, for me at least, saying Hell Yeah more often is proving to be a great strategy for living more.
I’m including 2 video clips below from the Raves to provide proof that we really did this, and also, to provide flavor, in case your curiosity has been piqued and you’re considering going to a Rave or EDM dance club. 🙂
This one is from our second rave, but shows – very early in the video clip and it’s fleeting so watch closely – Jerry, and I, dancing hard:
This second video is from our first Rave, at Rawkus, in Colorado Springs. The DJ, Martial Law, plays a remixed version of Paris, by The Chainsmokers:
Time. None of us knows how much of it we’ll have. I don’t know about you, but I’m working hard not to squander mine.
I don’t squander time mostly due to a mantra I started using several years ago. The mantra is: Nothing is a waste of time. I have used and lived by this mantra for the last several years, and it has made all the difference in my life. I wanted to share it, but I was too lazy to write a blog post about it, so I made a short video blog:
“Your sacred space is where you can find yourself over and over again.” (Joseph Campbell)
My “sacred space” – where I can find myself again and again – is in Solitude, my time alone. Preferably spent hiking up a trail, or walking in very large circles. I’m a lover of Solitude. I yearn for it. (I think Solitude is the medium for self realization. Time alone is one of the most important things we can give ourselves if we want to know who we are, what’s missing, what we’re needing, who and what are most important to us, and what is possible for our life.)
As you probably know by now, I’m a hiker. More generally, I’m a walker.
I have this particular place in my town that I go to almost every day. I walk circles there. Large circles. Sometimes I do this over and over again, alone in my thoughts. Listening to my thoughts. It’s a form of meditation for me. Call me weird, but walking in large circles is something I look forward to. It helps me. I sometimes (read: often) have problems focusing. I’ve got a lot on my mind, and I have enough self awareness to know I tend to be a “future oriented” thinker. (In 2009, I confirmed this after reading The Time Paradox, by Philip Zimbardo and Dr. John Boyd. Did you know our attitudes toward time have a profound impact on our life and world? Yet we seldom recognize it.) So anyhow, these walks help me. They help me to sort out the many thoughts that are in my head.
When I walk, I pay attention to the sounds around me, and the goings-on. I pay attention to how my body feels. I pay attention to how it feels when my feet strike the ground during each single step. (I try to be gentle with my steps because especially as a hiker, I know this helps with recovery after long, hard hikes. Plus, I would prefer be a quiet stepper rather than a loud clomper.) I pay attention to my cadence. I notice my posture, and try to stand and walk tall.
When I walk in circles at my particular place, I listen for birds, and to the the breeze or wind. I hear an occasional airplane taking off or landing. Sometimes a car drives by, but not often. I see other people, but not many. Usually it’s a city worker, or a person unloading his/her horse or horses from their trailer. I often look at the foothills of my beloved Wind River Mountains. I can see the Roaring Fork, and Mt. Arter, and up Sinks Canyon. After a recent storm, I can see where the rain was rain and where the rain was snow – evidenced by a perfect line that usually crosses along the bottom of our foothills at an elevation of about 7,800′. I can see the road that leads to one of my favorite places, our cabin.
I often find heart rocks in the trail, or in the parking lot, and I sometimes spy other shapes. I’ve written before about how I love to look for or find, unexpectedly, heart shapes while on my adventures. No kidding, I’ve even spotted manure that is shaped like a heart. (Please excuse my language, but the hashtag/caption for that image was, #lovableshit) I’ve seen some amazing sunrises and sunsets here, and I’ve video recorded our oldest son as he recites a slam poem he loves or creates.
A sunset with a heart shape that I spied while walking circles in my special place.
Most of the time, during these walking meditations, I let my mind wander and be free. I get many inspirations this way. Other times I try to focus my attention on a very particular thing – a problem, perhaps, or a conundrum, or an idea I want to develop, or a decision I’m wanting or needing to make. Sometimes I’ll use my walking in circles to try and memorize a favorite poem or quote. Sometimes I’ll try to empty my mind. That never works! I always smile when someone refers to an “idle mind” as being a non-active mind. (#envy)
Dov Seidman, CEO of LRN, says it best: When you press the pause button on a machine, it stops, but when you press the pause button on human beings, they start. Indeed! When we’re still, our minds are often at their most active. I am a huge promoter of, and practicer of a mindfulness practice. I’ve had a practice every single weekday morning for years now, and it’s been a game changer. Because I have such an active and wandering mind, I get extensive practice at redirecting my attention, which is one the main things we’re going for when we practice mindfulness – the ability to consciously direct our attention. Such practice helps us learn how, especially during times of stress and overwhelm, to pause, and respond rather than react.
My mind is so active that I – it – craves focus. Last August, I climbed Gannett Peak, Wyoming’s tallest mountain. On summit day, according to my FitBit, we trekked 20,547 steps. Every single one of those steps were “high consequence” steps. It was a quiet, intense effort. Not many words were spoken during the 12-hour adventure, except for the short time on the summit, and when instruction was offered to us from our guide. Otherwise, I was completely focused on every single step. Until then, I had never engaged in such a sustained, high consequence experience. My mind is always thinking, and so active. I found the single-minded, single-tasking a welcome reprieve from my busy mind. Traveling on snow and up and down steep terrain, roped to one another, forced me to focus on only the next step, and then the next step, and then next step, for hours at a stretch. It was hard, but also unusual for me – and fantastic. The simplicity and intense, sustained focus on a single thing was blissful.
But back to my walking in circles. Always, they help me. May Sarton wrote, “Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help.” I always return inspired, better, and with newfound clarity.
I also go to this place and walk circles during most of my coaching, or other calls. I work with people from all over the U.S, and typically I will have 1-2 calls a month with each of them. I am a better listener when I’m in an “open” posture, and walking, rather than sitting in front of my computer or indoors. I’m easily distracted, so one of the best ways for me to be a good listener is to free myself from distractions. And one of the best ways to be free from distractions is to get outdoors, in the open, under our usually-clear skies. I can be most present with someone by listening to them, and I just know by now that I’m a better listener and a more creative coach when I’m walking and outside, completely “tuned in”, listening and paying close attention.
Focusing on listening helps me be more present on my calls, which also helps me remember important and meaningful moments, and conversations. (This is so true that I can remember, vividly, some of the specific moments or conversations I’ve had with various clients, or friends, by retracing steps, and the path I was on, during a particular call I had with them.)
A moon through the chain link fence that surrounds the place where I like to walk in large circles.
I’m more creative and energized when walking. There are numerous studies that support this – that walking is energizing, and that time outdoors does our bodies, and our minds, good. That we’re more creative thinkers as a result. Plus, walking is healthy.
I don’t believe there’s a single study that says sitting is inspiring, or that sitting is energizing. If anything, only the opposite. And sitting is bad for other, more serious reasons, too. Sitting, in fact, is often referred to as the new smoking. We sit, on average, 9.3 hours a day. All this time sitting is robbing quality, and time from our life. The more we sit, the more likely we are to suffer from depression, disease and cancer. Sitting shortens our life, which, in my humble opinion, is already too short.
I started using a FitBit in December 2013. I did this because even though I train hard and regularly, and hike long distances, most of the day I was sedentary, at my laptop. As fit as I was when I got my FitBit, I was only walking about 6,000 steps a day on the days I wasn’t hiking. I wanted to change that. I needed to change that. Today, I average about 20,000 steps a day. I’ve walked almost 25 million steps (11,000 miles). Many of these steps and miles have been logged during my walking calls in this particular place where I go to walk my circles.
Speaking of walking and health, I’m a huge fan of the Blue Zones way of living, and the work of Dan Buettner. (I highly recommend the book, The Blue Zones: Lessons for Living Longer From the People Who’ve Lived the Longest.) “Blue Zones” is an anthropological concept that describes the characteristic lifestyles and the environments of the world’s longest-lived people. It turns out the people who live the longest, most fulfilling lives don’t lift weight or run marathons. They simply are more active throughout the day. Among other things, they walk a lot. They walk to the store, or to church. (I will save all I have to say about this for another blog post, though.)
A heart shaped by dirt in a parking lot where I walk circles, after a little rain.
During the last few months, I’ve had to find a different place to have my walking calls. You see, there is a lot of heavy construction going on near my usual location. Not to be self-absorbed, but I hope the project is completed before too much longer. It’s not the quiet place I’ve come to really appreciate. There is a bunch of heavy equipment driving by all of the time, and you can hear their beeps and big engines and scooping and grading sounds in the background. As a result, it’s currently not the quiet experience I’ve grown accustomed to, and therefore it’s hard to hear the person on the other end of my call, and hard for them to hear me. So at least for now, I’ve found an alternative for my walking calls.
But I still often head up there for my walking meditations – for 30-90 minutes of sauntering to clear my mind or figure something out, or just to walk. To move my body and to free my mind. (Whenever I try to talk myself out of going for a walk or a hike, I remember a quote from one of my favorite writers, Rebecca Solnit: “Every walker is a guard on patrol to protect the ineffable.” I always return from a walk as more than I was before it, and I am always surprised by something during the walk.)
Yesterday, as I did this, I worked hard to silence, or at least quiet, the background sounds of the construction. I couldn’t do it. It was during this struggle that I realized what was going on around me is exactly what’s going on in my mind right now. What’s in my head is very much “under construction.” I’ve got all kinds of projects on tap, ideas that are percolating, dreams and goals. So you see, there is a lot of heavy equipment maneuvering around, trying to create something new, or better. There is a lot of digging dirt and moving of Earth going on, and supplies being hauled and things being surveyed. My mind feels full of clutter, and often, as if a collision of heavy equipment could occur at any moment. This reminds me I better take great care, and be mindful. At times I hear a loud, constant beeping of a tractor or backhoe, and there is a constant humming of moving trucks and equipment. Around me as I walk, and also in my head…
One of the reasons I love this particular place for my walking is because at times I get to watch a small airplane taking off. Sometimes it’s a beginner pilot taking a lesson. He or she is literally learning how to fly, and I am a witness. I love that metaphor of a person learning to fly. Depending on what I’m working on or trying to create in my life, I often feel like I’m learning to fly, and that I’m a small, humble airplane working to take flight. Other times I get to see an airplane land. That’s also a big deal, watching how a small airplane comes in fast and connects with ground. How it must at some point return to Earth, to once again be grounded.
Every once in awhile, while walking in my particular spot, I’ll see a woman barrel racing. She’s riding her horse very fast and maneuvering around a barrel at top speed. I am envious. I don’t know her, and there are different women who show up to do this at various times throughout the year. But whomever the woman is, usually she’s riding at top speed on this beautiful and powerful animal that she somehow has under her control. Her hair, under her cowboy hat, is highlighted by the sun, and blowing in the breeze. Total Badassery. I love this as a metaphor, too. I often feel like I’m a fast horse, only I’m not skilled like the woman I watch. I don’t know how to steer it, let alone stay on it. I envy the barrel racer, and am inspired when I watch her do such a daring thing.
And although the heavy construction that’s going on near my particular walking place for the time being is cramping my style, it too, is a fitting metaphor. I’m right now under construction in a lot of areas, and I know that to get it right – to create something great, or to improve something I’ve already created, or am already doing – will take time and work.
What’s that saying I’m thinking about right now?
Hint: Now my mind wanders to Rome, a city that my family and I fell in love with on our 30-day Europe trip two summers ago. That’s it, after a search of my mind, I found it: “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
After my circles-walking ended yesterday I emailed my Dad to ask him what the construction project was since I could only make assumptions. He told me the runway at our airport is being relocated and re-built to increase safety. The FAA was concerned about the runway being too close to the taxiway. There was a risk that a small plane taking off or landing might clip the wing of a plane that was on a taxiway.
I’m so glad I asked! As a metaphor lover, this news is brilliant, and helps me to circle back (pun intended) to my main point of this blog post. Right now, my mind is so full of projects that are under construction that it sometimes feels like a collision is inevitable. Walking in large circles helps me by providing more space for the goings on in my mind and avoids any of my idea’s wings from being clipped.
Postscript: As you can see in the photo below that my son captured of me at 10:48 on this Saturday, Oct. 14, I walk my circles even when the weather is unfavorable. To my delight, I found my place to be quiet once again. (We awoke to a major blizzard, which has shut down construction, at least temporarily.) I’ll take that as a cue and try to do the same with myself, and my overactive mind this Saturday.
Walking in circles in a blizzard today, Oct. 14, 2017.
Thank you so much for stopping by and reading. I really appreciate it!
Do you want to change your life? I can’t change your life, but I can help you change it. In fact, I’d be honored to help you do that. Email me!
